Is There Something Wrong With ME?

Fortunately (or unfortunately, however you want to look at it), I've come to 'know' many widows and widowers over the past 2 years and 10 months. Mostly online and a few in my daily life. Facebook, Twitter and SSLF have put the people in my life that have helped me cope, understand, feel, and grieve. I read their daily status updates, their blog posts, their books, and follow them on Twitter.

Many have been fortunate enough (or unfortunate, however you want to look at it ;) to move onto the next phase of their life and date, get engaged, or actually remarry. Some have blended families and seem to be happy and successful at it (even if it is difficult at times). And, one that I know has even managed to keep her great sense of humor! What about those who are not widowed and end up with us?

So, why am I still stuck? What is it that is preventing me from having the desire to date? How is it that some men and women can date within a year or two and others take so much longer? I know we all process grief differently, so my questions are rhetorical really. But seriously, is there an answer? I can't imagine myself dating, let alone engaged, living with, or marrying another man. How weird the feeling is to just think about it. How in the hell could I introduce a new man into my children's lives? Let's be real.

It's hard to overcome that feeling of never being able to be happy again or actually foreseeing a future for yourself. I just live day-to-day. I can't even plan a vacation because it's difficult to envision the future.

I sit here and ask myself, "why am I worried about it if I don't want to date?" and "if I'm not ready, who cares?" or "why does it bother me when people tell me I need to start dating?" and "what's the big deal. is happiness defined by the man in our life?" Well, that last one is a bit tricky, now isn't it?

© 2011 by Jennifer M. Karn

 Not to be morbid, but why do we bury dead people in the ground? Won't we eventually run out of places to put them? What is the purpose of this and how did this tradition start?

What's going to happen 50 or 100 years from now when I'm gone and my kids are gone? Who's going to tend to Kevin's and my grave? Who will keep it clean, trimmed and place fresh flowers on it every Sunday?

Do you realize how much money and resources are spent annually in this country alone for burials, cemeteries, caskets, lawn maintenance, etc.? What are we doing to our environment by placing cement vaults, wooden caskets, and rotting corpses in the ground? Is cremation worse for the environment?

Do you ever wonder if eventually, maybe hundreds of years from now, that humanity will be forced to dig up all the buried dead in order to utilize the land? Or, more simply, just remove all the headstones and leave the graves put. Could you even imagine? Does it even matter?

I wonder how many people are actually buried in the ground on the entire planet? Third world countries just dig a hole and place people in it. They can't go to the trouble of all the fancy entombment.

Personally, I don't think it matters what happens to the body after death...meaning, cremation is just fine. No need to bury.

Do non-widows/widowers think this way? Is it only the grieving that develop the capacity to analyze such taboo things in a nonchalant way?

Just cremate me and spread my ashes over Central Park and Paris.


See these links for reasons behind burial:

Wikipedia
Islamic burial laws
Nigerian Folktale
New Orleans - Cities of the Dead
Various burial customs
Christian customs - past and present

© 2011 by Jennifer M. Karn

I hate the cemetery!

I absolutely despise the cemetery I had Kevin buried at. I have regretted daily that I chose that one. After all the repeated unpleasant experiences I've had, I just wish I had him cremated. Damn Catholic cemeteries.

After spending 2 1/2 hours weeding, tilling, mulching and planting flowers around the tree next to his grave last weekend those fucking workers came along and weed whacked everything. It looks horrible now. There was no reason at all to do that. Money, time and effort went straight down the drain. They make me sick. Every attempt I make to find some solace in this horribleness ends with someone or something fucking it up.

FUCK IT!!!!!

http://www.clevelandcatholiccemeteries.org/index.php?option=com_flexicontent&view=items&cid=34:cemetery-locations&id=6:holy-cross-cemetery&Itemid=52

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Picture Perfect Happiness

I've been quiet lately, mainly because I'm in a different 'phase' of sadness. It's a little difficult to describe. I'm not deeply depressed, I just feel this constant and even level of sadness in my heart. A constant nagging in my head of when and how will I be truly peaceful and happy again.

At work, I feel unhappy, dissatisfied, lost. It's like I'm not doing in life what I should be doing. It's not what makes me happy. But, then, I stop and realize, I'm damn lucky to have such a great job! I live four miles from the office, my benefits package is out of this world, I make enough money to take care of the kids and pay all my bills while having some left over for extracurricular activities. I've had three promotions in the 4 1/2 years I've been there and I've finally obtained the manager position I want. So, what's my problem? What is it that will make me happy? What is it that I should be doing in life?

At home, I feel unhappy, dissatisfied, lost. He's on my mind constantly. Lately, I haven't been sleeping well. Kellie is graduating from high school today. Kevin will miss another milestone. Kristie was very ill last week which required two ER visits and several days of worrying. Zack was in the hospital for four days in April. It's hard to be a single parent. Wait! I'm not a 'single' parent, I'm the only parent.

Americans tend to create a picture in their mind pretty early on in life of what success and happiness is. Unfortunately, too often that picture is painted in green. Fame, success, big homes, cars, electronics, travels and the like all require large amounts of the green stuff. When that picture doesn't become reality, our worlds fall apart and we waste our lives away dwelling on what didn't become reality instead of painting a new picture and making it happen.

So, how does one feel happiness when they've lost the glue that held them together for 20 years? That person can't be replaced and the hole they've left in so many lives will never be closed. Is it simply a matter of moving through the grief process and when it ends everything will be alright? Does the grief ever end? I'm not an artist. How do I paint a new picture now that my reality isn't what I thought it would be?

When I Googled this image after I wrote my post above, I came across this blog post. Very interesting. Check it out. http://www.theminimalists.com/scientific/

You can now view my blog from your smartphone

© 2011 by Jennifer M. Karn

25 Positive Thoughts

I haven't posted since May 7th. That's almost a month! I go through periods of needing to blog a lot to get it out of my system and periods of not wanting to let it out at all. Sometimes when I go a while without posting it's because I'm doing ok and sometimes it's because I'm doing so badly. 

I've been under a great deal of stress lately. I'm struggling with the kids' health, car troubles, a very long list of To Do's and simply put, grief. During these troubling times, it can be difficult to remain positive and upbeat. I felt that I needed a pick-me-up, so I pulled out my list of 112 positive quotes and thought I'd share 25 with you that seem to fit this world we are now living in. I hope, if even in a small way, these words help you, too.

1. Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.
2. I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.
3. Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts.  It's what you do with what you have left.  
4. Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.
5. There are exactly as many special occasions in life as we choose to celebrate.
6. If you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it.  
7. To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have.
8. To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.
9. When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you've growled all day long.
10. Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  
11. I think, what has this day brought me, and what have I given it?
12. No life is so hard that you can't make it easier by the way you take it.  
13. The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.  
14. The excursion is the same when you go looking for your sorrow as when you go looking for your joy.
15. Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out.
16. So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key.
17. I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.  
18. Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different.
19. A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. 
20. For every day that there is sunshine, there will be days of rain,
    it's how we dance within them both that shows our love and pain.
21. Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.
22. Some days there won't be a song in your heart.  Sing anyway. 
23. I have found that if you love life, life will love you back. 
24. Those who wish to sing, always find a song.
25. We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

 © 2011 by Jennifer M. Karn