Guess What's Been Going On?

There's been a lot going on in our house.

Last Saturday, Bradley passed his written driving test and got his temps. Holy Cow!!! All four of my children are driving now. How did that happen? A few weeks ago, he stole the ball in his basketball game and dunked it.

Also last weekend, Zachary shot his first turkey while hunting with his uncle Jimmy, Kevin's brother. The event was bitter-sweet without Kevin being there to celebrate with us. When I saw the below photos, I cried because I was awestruck by how much Zack reminded me of his dad.

  
Kellie is struggling to find full time employment. She really wants to be able to move out on her own. I have to give her credit for all the maturing she's done these past few months. She has devoted a lot of time looking for a new job without much luck and she hasn't given up. She's stopped certain activities that aren't good for her, realized the importance of having a good driving record, learned who her real friends are and has goals for the future.

Kristie moved out a few weeks ago with her boyfriend. She, too, is desperately trying to land a full time job without any luck. But, she keeps trying. Our relationship has been so much better lately and that makes me very happy.

As for me, I'm still dating Tim.

I still have sad days (I cried last weekend after Brad and Zack's milestone events) and miss Kevin terribly. Life is rough without him to help me with taking care of the kids, finances, making decisions, playing taxi driver to give me a break and to listen when I'm having a bad day or dealing with a stressful issue. I miss his smile, his laugh, his hugs and having him with me to watch the kids grow. I will always love him.


© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn

Grouchy

It started about a week ago. Last Saturday, I went to the dentist to have an impression made of my tooth for a cap. He did some prep work also. A few hours later, the novocain wore off and I had pain. I popped a few Motrin thinking it was normal. A week later, I'm still popping Motrin every six hours...even in the middle of the night because the pain is waking me up. I can't get back to the dentist until Monday evening. Hopefully the Motrin doesn't put a hole in my stomach by then.

On Monday, I about cut the tip of my finger off. It hurt like hell and bled for a half hour. All week I've been bumping it. It's going to take forever and a day to heal.

Last week I finally decided to purchase the Toyota Camry I've been wanting forever. I made the deal and put a deposit down. They had to find the one I wanted and get it delivered. I got a call Tuesday saying it was in. Excitedly, I went to pick it up today only to find out the interior was the wrong color. They won't be able to get me the right car until the end of the month. I walked out.

As I drove around town running a million errands in preparation for the holiday tomorrow, I almost got hit by careless drivers five times today.

After I finally got home today, I retreated to my bed like I do when I'm overwhelmed. I checked Facebook on my iPhone and then I took a nap. When I woke up, my phone wouldn't work and so I had to drive to the Apple store to get it fixed.

I have a million things to do and can't get any of them done.

I'm tired.
I'm aggravated.
I'm sad that Kevin will miss Brad's 16th birthday tomorrow.
I'm grouchy.

I hate holidays.
I hate being an only parent.
I hate being a widow.
I hate that I'm grouchy.

It's one of those days where I can't wait for it to be Monday.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

What a difference a year makes

Yesterday, I checked my blog stats. I found that there were a lot of hits on a post I wrote a little over a year ago titled, Oh The Places You'll Go. My assumption is that since it was Dr. Seuss' birthday yesterday, people were doing internet searches for his poems and stumbled across my post. I decided to click on that post and re-read it. I was startled to find what a difference a year makes.

When I wrote that post in January 2011, I was not thinking positively. I dwelled on the undertones of the negativity, bad luck, hardship and misfortune. My perception and interpretation of the famous Dr. Seuss poem was not at all what is was when I re-read it last night.

Instead, this time I felt like the poem was telling me that I can overcome hardship, choose to be well and happy and come out of this ok. Maybe I was just having a good moment. Or, maybe a year really did make a difference.

© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn

Counting Time

I don't know exactly why, but I've been thinking a lot lately about the fourth anniversary of Kevin's death this coming August. It's six months away, but it keeps popping up in my head. I clearly remember when he first died how I'd counted the hours, days, weeks then months I had spent without him. I couldn't comprehend being without him for a year, let alone years. I'm in awe of everything that has happened since...

1. Kristin: cross country, prom, graduation, college, new job, 3 birthdays
2. Kellie: graduation, moved out, moved back home, tattoos, 4 birthdays
3. Zachary: confirmation, ring mass (both 8th grade and high school), eighth grade graduation, acceptance to Holy Name High School, girlfriends, 3 birthdays
4. Bradley: confirmation, ring mass (8th grade), acceptance to Holy Name High School, cross country MVP, basketball, 3 birthdays
5. Family vacations, babies born, weddings, friendships lost, friendships gained, friendships renewed, his father's 80th birthday, deaths, clam bakes, holidays, milestones, our 20th wedding anniversary...

all without him. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. He only lived to be 40. We were supposed to retire and travel. Grow old together. Watch our children grow, graduate, move on, get married and have children of their own. He left us unexpectedly. It threw a huge curve ball into our lives and left us with an empty, sad feeling that will never go away.

I haven't counted in a while. I stopped thinking all the time about how many days had exactly passed since my life changed forever. But, for some reason, I've been counting again and four years is weighing on my mind and my heart.

It's been:

• 1287 days
• 3 years, 6 months, 8 days
• 111,196,800 seconds
• 1,853,280 minutes
• 30,888 hours
• 183 weeks

“Men have contrived instruments to measure the motion of time, but they have no scales to weigh, no figures to compute, no words to describe its value.”

~John Thornton

© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn

Phone call

After three and a half years, I feel a strong desire to pick up the phone and call Kevin this morning.

I haven't felt that urge in a long time. My heart still aches.


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Updates to my blog

I have exciting news! My blog has been nominated for Top 25 Circle of Moms blog. On the right hand side of my blog homepage, you'll see a new symbol that you can click on to vote for my blog. Everyone can vote daily until March 7th. Please take a moment now to click on the pink "Circle of Moms Top 25 Vote for Me." Or, click on this link Life After Death - vote now.

Also, you'll notice that I've added three new features to my homepage:

1. You can now sign up to follow me by email. This way, you'll be sure to stay up to date with all my latest blog posts.
2. I've added a counter to my homepage that shows how many times my blog has been viewed since I created it. Share my blog with your friends, family and other widows/widowers and watch the ticker climb.
3. You can now see, along the right hand side, a list of my top ten most popular blog posts ever written. By far, number one remains to lead all other posts by thousands of hits.

I hope you enjoy the changes. Please feel free to provide your comments and feedback. I want to make sure you enjoy reading my blog posts in order to help you heal, stay apprised of where I am in this process or just to better understand what it's like to lose a spouse and have to start life all over again.

Thank you for your support.  

© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn

Someone Else

I had just left work on a Wednesday evening when I'd received a text message from my sister-in-law asking if I was interested in joining her and a few others for happy hour. I rarely go out on a work night, but the sun was shinning and I had been feeling better. So, I replied that I would meet her as soon as I ran home to freshen up and make sure the kids were set for the evening.

I met five of Kevin's family members at a local bar/restaurant and had a few drinks and lots of laughs. I was sitting at the bar when a rather handsome guy came in with two friends and sat down at the opposite end next to one of my sisters-in-law, Kathy. Even though I hadn't been interested in meeting anyone, he caught my eye. I had been checking him out for a little while when I decided to text Kathy who was sitting only four seats away from me.

"Does the guy sitting by you have a wedding ring on?" She couldn't tell, so she stood up and looked.

"No," she texted back.

"Is there an empty seat next to you?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Ok, I'm coming down," I replied. I looked up to see her smiling as I nonchalantly made my way down the bar to the empty seat between Kathy and the really cute guy without a wedding ring. Within just a few minutes, he and I were talking. We carried on some small talk for a while before we exchanged numbers.

Two days later, on a Friday, we went on our first date.

Today, seven months later, we're still dating. He's sweet, kind, patient and an all around wonderful person. He helps me in lots of ways and I feel at peace when I'm with him. He keeps my heart from aching and brings smiles to my face every day.

When Kevin died, I couldn't imagine dating someone else, much less loving another man. For a long time after, I didn't even want to live. It was a very rough 3 years before I met Tim. I still have bad days, especially when I get stressed or things are tough with the kids. But, Tim grounds me and provides a calmness that gets me through my tears. He understands that the kids and I have experienced a tremendous loss and we are still healing.

I would've never thought, in a million years, that Kevin would die at the age of 40.

I would've never thought, in a million years, that I would meet someone else.

© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn

Are all of them yours?

My four children and I were standing in line waiting to board the cruise ship. Each person had to present their boarding pass and passport. Being the mother hen that I am, I made sure all four kids went through ok before I did. As she checked the fourth kid's documents, she looked up at me and asked, "Are all of them yours?" I smiled and said, "Yes."

She then looked past me at the man in line behind and asked, "Is he with you too?" My smile immediately faded as I replied, "No."

"Oh," she said, "I was expecting one more."

So was I.

On the brighter side of this horribleness, there is one more. He's waiting for me at home.

Live. Laugh. Love.


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Holidays

I know just how horrible you can feel during the holidays when you've lost that special person in your life. No matter how hard you try to be positive, happy and in the holiday spirit it still sucks. It's especially difficult the first year. There's a hole no one can fill with gifts. There's a sad feeling no one can make better.

Know that you're not alone. Know that I'm with you this holiday season.
Know that it hurts and it's ok to be sad.
Know that it will never be the same, but it does eventually get better.

I'm sending each of you love, health, happiness and peace this holiday season. You are strong enough to get through the hardest time of the year...even with a broken heart.


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Struggling

I'm struggling with so many things in just about every aspect of my life right now. It's tiring. And frustrating. I get sick of dealing with it and I get mad at myself for how I deal with it, or how I don't. I thought the holidays were going to be ok this year, but they're not.

I have no one I can talk to about the things that are tearing away at me. I can't even blog about it. As a result I've been holding them in and it's affecting me in a bad way. It's moments like these past couple weeks that I want to tell Kevin I hate him for dying and leaving me alone with so many responsibilities.

I want to run away for a while. But, I can't. So, I guess I'll drag my ass out of my car and into the office to deal with the day when I really just want to say fuck it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone