I've flown twice already this week and its only Tuesday. On both flights, I sat next to a couple. Both husbands did the same thing on each flight. After settling into our seats, taking off and soaring at 10,000 feet, without a word being said, he reached over and clasped his wife's hand in his. He sat there holding her hand in silence. He didn't say a word and neither did she. As a matter of fact, neither woman opened her eyes or even flinched. It was so natural for their husband's to reach over and hold their hands just to comfort them and remind them they love them.
And these tiny acts of love have haunted my thoughts for the past two days.
If you're lucky enough to be with the love of your life this holiday season, quietly reach out and hold their hand. There's nothing that can compare to knowing you are loved without having to say a word. Unspoken love.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Time
Kevin died four years ago this past Friday.
I turned 39 yesterday.
Family and friends participated in the biathlon, either as a supporter or a competitor, early yesterday morning.
Tim and I have been dating over a year and living together for months.
Even with the passage of time, new love, and learning a lot about what's truly important in life, I still hurt. I still cry. I still miss him. I still love him.
I had strong hope that the bad moments/days/feelings would eventually go away, but I don't think I'll be able to completely escape them. A widow friend posted on Facebook this week that she requested off work the 20th anniversary of her husband's death. She said some years are harder than others...still. Bam! What a realization! Time makes it easier on a daily basis. But, time does not take it all away.
I feel like this past weekend was harder to handle than last year. Although, it's hard to remember or accurately gauge now. My heavy heart over-powers my brain in these times. I become quite emotional and struggle to overcome it. I feel tons of pressure to put on a happy face.
Then the weekend of milestones ends, I fall asleep, and like magic I wake up renewed ready to start a new day with a smile on my face. No, I'm not bipolar - I'm a widow.
Time has aged me...but not him.
Time has made the hole in my heart smaller...and bigger.
Time has allowed me to watch my children grow...without their father.
Time has made me stronger...while wearing me down.
And, time has given me another day, another love, another reason to live a healthy and happy life.
It's amazing how time can be so mean and so kind.
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
I turned 39 yesterday.
Family and friends participated in the biathlon, either as a supporter or a competitor, early yesterday morning.
Tim and I have been dating over a year and living together for months.
Even with the passage of time, new love, and learning a lot about what's truly important in life, I still hurt. I still cry. I still miss him. I still love him.
I had strong hope that the bad moments/days/feelings would eventually go away, but I don't think I'll be able to completely escape them. A widow friend posted on Facebook this week that she requested off work the 20th anniversary of her husband's death. She said some years are harder than others...still. Bam! What a realization! Time makes it easier on a daily basis. But, time does not take it all away.
I feel like this past weekend was harder to handle than last year. Although, it's hard to remember or accurately gauge now. My heavy heart over-powers my brain in these times. I become quite emotional and struggle to overcome it. I feel tons of pressure to put on a happy face.
Then the weekend of milestones ends, I fall asleep, and like magic I wake up renewed ready to start a new day with a smile on my face. No, I'm not bipolar - I'm a widow.
Time has aged me...but not him.
Time has made the hole in my heart smaller...and bigger.
Time has allowed me to watch my children grow...without their father.
Time has made me stronger...while wearing me down.
And, time has given me another day, another love, another reason to live a healthy and happy life.
It's amazing how time can be so mean and so kind.
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Power
For the past two days, I've had that very uneasy feeling in my belly. The one where it takes my entire mental power to overcome my body's intense need to cry. I try to hide it because it's been a busy weekend being around family and friends. I don't want to spoil the festivities, especially when there's a guest of honor being celebrated. I can't help but harbor some paranoia that other's judge me for my grief. Some find it as a means for attention. Others think it's been long enough. And then there's the people who think because I'm living with a man that I shouldn't still be grieving. Judgement is very powerful.
It's not too often that pit rises inside me. I lived with it for a very, very long time. But, it slowly started to disappear to the point of almost nonexistance. So, when it reappears, I try to be aware of what the trigger might be.
My guess is the milestone we had this week in our family. My oldest, Kristie, turned 21. In the beginning of the week, I was so excited for her to have this big birthday. But, once the day arrived my heart ached. Yet another important life event Kevin has missed. Grief is very powerful.
Then there was the Aurora, CO shooting that killed twelve innocent people, wounded dozens others and forever saddened the hearts of their family and friends. Events like these affect me so much more now that I've experienced loss. Why? Because I know the horrible, never-ending pain their loved ones will have to struggle with for the rest of their lives. My heart aches for them. No one should have to live such tragedy. Tragedy is very powerful.
And then there's haters. People, who for no obvious reason, choose to hate. I feel sorry for those people. They let negative, unnecessary, unproductive thoughts and feelings into their lives. I'm not referring to the Aurora shooter. My guess is he suffers from a serious mental illness to do what he did. Im referring to those who aren't sophisticated or mature enough to just let it go. May peace be with you. I will not allow you to inhibit my peace. I've searched for it for too long to let a hater bring me down. Hatred is very powerful, but PEACE is more powerful.
Love. Laugh. Live.
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
It's not too often that pit rises inside me. I lived with it for a very, very long time. But, it slowly started to disappear to the point of almost nonexistance. So, when it reappears, I try to be aware of what the trigger might be.
My guess is the milestone we had this week in our family. My oldest, Kristie, turned 21. In the beginning of the week, I was so excited for her to have this big birthday. But, once the day arrived my heart ached. Yet another important life event Kevin has missed. Grief is very powerful.
Then there was the Aurora, CO shooting that killed twelve innocent people, wounded dozens others and forever saddened the hearts of their family and friends. Events like these affect me so much more now that I've experienced loss. Why? Because I know the horrible, never-ending pain their loved ones will have to struggle with for the rest of their lives. My heart aches for them. No one should have to live such tragedy. Tragedy is very powerful.
And then there's haters. People, who for no obvious reason, choose to hate. I feel sorry for those people. They let negative, unnecessary, unproductive thoughts and feelings into their lives. I'm not referring to the Aurora shooter. My guess is he suffers from a serious mental illness to do what he did. Im referring to those who aren't sophisticated or mature enough to just let it go. May peace be with you. I will not allow you to inhibit my peace. I've searched for it for too long to let a hater bring me down. Hatred is very powerful, but PEACE is more powerful.
Love. Laugh. Live.
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
Saturday, July 14, 2012
What's weighing on my mind
I'm sitting in a hotel room at 4:30am and I cannot sleep. I just spent a half hour writing a blog post. It was full of fluff and bullshit and it didn't express how I really feel. So, I deleted it and here's some of what's really weighing on my mind...
I still cry.
I miss Kevin with every breath I take.
I feel like no one will ever love me the way he did.
I fear that my truth will hurt people.
I miss my old life.
I still do not believe in God.
I am the only parent my kids have.
I frequently wonder how life would be different had he not died.
I want all the pain to go away, but I know it never will.
I'm angry that life didn't happen the way we thought it was going to.
I have moments of sadness everyday.
I have moments of happiness everyday, too.
I hate that the most normal, everyday things can upset me.
I have more good than bad days...progress.
It will be four years next month. Shortly after Kevin died, I remember thinking, "How can I survive a year without him?" A year felt so long. And now it's been four. Often, I think about the 20 years I had with Kevin. And then I think about the next 20 that I won't have with him. I wonder where I'll be? What my life will be like? What the kids' lives will be like? I wonder?
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
I still cry.
I miss Kevin with every breath I take.
I feel like no one will ever love me the way he did.
I fear that my truth will hurt people.
I miss my old life.
I still do not believe in God.
I am the only parent my kids have.
I frequently wonder how life would be different had he not died.
I want all the pain to go away, but I know it never will.
I'm angry that life didn't happen the way we thought it was going to.
I have moments of sadness everyday.
I have moments of happiness everyday, too.
I hate that the most normal, everyday things can upset me.
I have more good than bad days...progress.
It will be four years next month. Shortly after Kevin died, I remember thinking, "How can I survive a year without him?" A year felt so long. And now it's been four. Often, I think about the 20 years I had with Kevin. And then I think about the next 20 that I won't have with him. I wonder where I'll be? What my life will be like? What the kids' lives will be like? I wonder?
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Guess What's Been Going On?
There's been a lot going on in our house.
Last Saturday, Bradley passed his written driving test and got his temps. Holy Cow!!! All four of my children are driving now. How did that happen? A few weeks ago, he stole the ball in his basketball game and dunked it.
Also last weekend, Zachary shot his first turkey while hunting with his uncle Jimmy, Kevin's brother. The event was bitter-sweet without Kevin being there to celebrate with us. When I saw the below photos, I cried because I was awestruck by how much Zack reminded me of his dad.
Kellie is struggling to find full time employment. She really wants to be able to move out on her own. I have to give her credit for all the maturing she's done these past few months. She has devoted a lot of time looking for a new job without much luck and she hasn't given up. She's stopped certain activities that aren't good for her, realized the importance of having a good driving record, learned who her real friends are and has goals for the future.
Kristie moved out a few weeks ago with her boyfriend. She, too, is desperately trying to land a full time job without any luck. But, she keeps trying. Our relationship has been so much better lately and that makes me very happy.
As for me, I'm still dating Tim.
I still have sad days (I cried last weekend after Brad and Zack's milestone events) and miss Kevin terribly. Life is rough without him to help me with taking care of the kids, finances, making decisions, playing taxi driver to give me a break and to listen when I'm having a bad day or dealing with a stressful issue. I miss his smile, his laugh, his hugs and having him with me to watch the kids grow. I will always love him.
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
Last Saturday, Bradley passed his written driving test and got his temps. Holy Cow!!! All four of my children are driving now. How did that happen? A few weeks ago, he stole the ball in his basketball game and dunked it.
Also last weekend, Zachary shot his first turkey while hunting with his uncle Jimmy, Kevin's brother. The event was bitter-sweet without Kevin being there to celebrate with us. When I saw the below photos, I cried because I was awestruck by how much Zack reminded me of his dad.
Kellie is struggling to find full time employment. She really wants to be able to move out on her own. I have to give her credit for all the maturing she's done these past few months. She has devoted a lot of time looking for a new job without much luck and she hasn't given up. She's stopped certain activities that aren't good for her, realized the importance of having a good driving record, learned who her real friends are and has goals for the future.
Kristie moved out a few weeks ago with her boyfriend. She, too, is desperately trying to land a full time job without any luck. But, she keeps trying. Our relationship has been so much better lately and that makes me very happy.
As for me, I'm still dating Tim.
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Grouchy
It started about a week ago. Last Saturday, I went to the dentist to have an impression made of my tooth for a cap. He did some prep work also. A few hours later, the novocain wore off and I had pain. I popped a few Motrin thinking it was normal. A week later, I'm still popping Motrin every six hours...even in the middle of the night because the pain is waking me up. I can't get back to the dentist until Monday evening. Hopefully the Motrin doesn't put a hole in my stomach by then.
On Monday, I about cut the tip of my finger off. It hurt like hell and bled for a half hour. All week I've been bumping it. It's going to take forever and a day to heal.
Last week I finally decided to purchase the Toyota Camry I've been wanting forever. I made the deal and put a deposit down. They had to find the one I wanted and get it delivered. I got a call Tuesday saying it was in. Excitedly, I went to pick it up today only to find out the interior was the wrong color. They won't be able to get me the right car until the end of the month. I walked out.
As I drove around town running a million errands in preparation for the holiday tomorrow, I almost got hit by careless drivers five times today.
After I finally got home today, I retreated to my bed like I do when I'm overwhelmed. I checked Facebook on my iPhone and then I took a nap. When I woke up, my phone wouldn't work and so I had to drive to the Apple store to get it fixed.
I have a million things to do and can't get any of them done.
I'm tired.
I'm aggravated.
I'm sad that Kevin will miss Brad's 16th birthday tomorrow.
I'm grouchy.
I hate holidays.
I hate being an only parent.
I hate being a widow.
I hate that I'm grouchy.
It's one of those days where I can't wait for it to be Monday.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
On Monday, I about cut the tip of my finger off. It hurt like hell and bled for a half hour. All week I've been bumping it. It's going to take forever and a day to heal.
Last week I finally decided to purchase the Toyota Camry I've been wanting forever. I made the deal and put a deposit down. They had to find the one I wanted and get it delivered. I got a call Tuesday saying it was in. Excitedly, I went to pick it up today only to find out the interior was the wrong color. They won't be able to get me the right car until the end of the month. I walked out.
As I drove around town running a million errands in preparation for the holiday tomorrow, I almost got hit by careless drivers five times today.
After I finally got home today, I retreated to my bed like I do when I'm overwhelmed. I checked Facebook on my iPhone and then I took a nap. When I woke up, my phone wouldn't work and so I had to drive to the Apple store to get it fixed.
I have a million things to do and can't get any of them done.
I'm tired.
I'm aggravated.
I'm sad that Kevin will miss Brad's 16th birthday tomorrow.
I'm grouchy.
I hate holidays.
I hate being an only parent.
I hate being a widow.
I hate that I'm grouchy.
It's one of those days where I can't wait for it to be Monday.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, March 3, 2012
What a difference a year makes
Yesterday, I checked my blog stats. I found that there were a lot of hits on a post I wrote a little over a year ago titled, Oh The Places You'll Go. My assumption is that since it was Dr. Seuss' birthday yesterday, people were doing internet searches for his poems and stumbled across my post. I decided to click on that post and re-read it. I was startled to find what a difference a year makes.
When I wrote that post in January 2011, I was not thinking positively. I dwelled on the undertones of the negativity, bad luck, hardship and misfortune. My perception and interpretation of the famous Dr. Seuss poem was not at all what is was when I re-read it last night.
Instead, this time I felt like the poem was telling me that I can overcome hardship, choose to be well and happy and come out of this ok. Maybe I was just having a good moment. Or, maybe a year really did make a difference.
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
When I wrote that post in January 2011, I was not thinking positively. I dwelled on the undertones of the negativity, bad luck, hardship and misfortune. My perception and interpretation of the famous Dr. Seuss poem was not at all what is was when I re-read it last night.
Instead, this time I felt like the poem was telling me that I can overcome hardship, choose to be well and happy and come out of this ok. Maybe I was just having a good moment. Or, maybe a year really did make a difference.
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
Friday, March 2, 2012
Counting Time
I don't know exactly why, but I've been thinking a lot lately about the fourth anniversary of Kevin's death this coming August. It's six months away, but it keeps popping up in my head. I clearly remember when he first died how I'd counted the hours, days, weeks then months I had spent without him. I couldn't comprehend being without him for a year, let alone years. I'm in awe of everything that has happened since...
I haven't counted in a while. I stopped thinking all the time about how many days had exactly passed since my life changed forever. But, for some reason, I've been counting again and four years is weighing on my mind and my heart.
It's been:
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
- Kristin: cross country, prom, graduation, college, new job, 3 birthdays
- Kellie: graduation, moved out, moved back home, tattoos, 4 birthdays
- Zachary: confirmation, ring mass (both 8th grade and high school), eighth grade graduation, acceptance to Holy Name High School, girlfriends, 3 birthdays
- Bradley: confirmation, ring mass (8th grade), acceptance to Holy Name High School, cross country MVP, basketball, 3 birthdays
- Family vacations, babies born, weddings, friendships lost, friendships gained, friendships renewed, his father's 80th birthday, deaths, clam bakes, holidays, milestones, our 20th wedding anniversary...
I haven't counted in a while. I stopped thinking all the time about how many days had exactly passed since my life changed forever. But, for some reason, I've been counting again and four years is weighing on my mind and my heart.
It's been:
- 1287 days
- 3 years, 6 months, 8 days
- 111,196,800 seconds
- 1,853,280 minutes
- 30,888 hours
- 183 weeks
~John Thornton
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
Friday, February 24, 2012
Phone call
After three and a half years, I feel a strong desire to pick up the phone and call Kevin this morning.
I haven't felt that urge in a long time. My heart still aches.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I haven't felt that urge in a long time. My heart still aches.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, February 20, 2012
Updates to my blog
I have exciting news! My blog has been nominated for Top 25 Circle of Moms blog. On the right hand side of my blog homepage, you'll see a new symbol that you can click on to vote for my blog. Everyone can vote daily until March 7th. Please take a moment now to click on the pink "Circle of Moms Top 25 Vote for Me." Or, click on this link Life After Death - vote now.
Also, you'll notice that I've added three new features to my homepage:
1. You can now sign up to follow me by email. This way, you'll be sure to stay up to date with all my latest blog posts.
2. I've added a counter to my homepage that shows how many times my blog has been viewed since I created it. Share my blog with your friends, family and other widows/widowers and watch the ticker climb.
3. You can now see, along the right hand side, a list of my top ten most popular blog posts ever written. By far, number one remains to lead all other posts by thousands of hits.
I hope you enjoy the changes. Please feel free to provide your comments and feedback. I want to make sure you enjoy reading my blog posts in order to help you heal, stay apprised of where I am in this process or just to better understand what it's like to lose a spouse and have to start life all over again.
Thank you for your support.
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
Also, you'll notice that I've added three new features to my homepage:
1. You can now sign up to follow me by email. This way, you'll be sure to stay up to date with all my latest blog posts.
2. I've added a counter to my homepage that shows how many times my blog has been viewed since I created it. Share my blog with your friends, family and other widows/widowers and watch the ticker climb.
3. You can now see, along the right hand side, a list of my top ten most popular blog posts ever written. By far, number one remains to lead all other posts by thousands of hits.
I hope you enjoy the changes. Please feel free to provide your comments and feedback. I want to make sure you enjoy reading my blog posts in order to help you heal, stay apprised of where I am in this process or just to better understand what it's like to lose a spouse and have to start life all over again.
Thank you for your support.
© 2012 by Jennifer M. Karn
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