I haven’t written since August 31st for several reasons. I’ve been happier, relaxed, and feeling much better. I have a great outlook on life and try to focus on the positive. I’m outgoing, social and spending time with great people. Summer was loaded with lots of activities. People invite me to events and I’ve actually been going - and enjoying myself! My bad weeks turned into bad days which turned into bad moments. It’s an incredible relief to feel some peace again. Thus, I haven’t felt as much desire to blog.
Because I reached a point in my grief where I started to heal, I allowed myself to feel happiness. In turn, I started to live again. As a result, I met someone and we’ve been dating. Things are going great. He puts a smile on my face even when I’m having a Kevin moment. Like yesterday…
I took him to meet Kevin’s lifelong friend, Dave. Tears surfaced for the first time in a while. It was difficult to suppress my emotions. I couldn’t hold them back. It was the first time I cried or showed my sadness about Kevin in front of him. I felt an array of emotions:
· Guilt – for being happy again
· Sadness – because I miss Kevin terribly
· Bad – for crying in front of him and probably making him feel uncomfortable
· Grief – I’m still grieving
· Weird – because I have a ‘boyfriend’
· Incredibly grateful – because he asked me if I was ok and he was very caring and thoughtful
Last night, I had a vivid dream about Kevin. It’s the first dream I’ve had about him in many months. My guess is that I dreamt about him because of all the feelings I had during the day. I was a bit choked up driving to work today.
I would imagine that I’ll have many more moments like this over the rest of my life, although, those moments will get further and further apart. What makes these moments easier is having people in your life that support you and care.
© 2011 by Jennifer M. Karn