August 22 - 28, 2010

It's been a very emotionally draining week.

Sunday was the infamous biathlon (post to come about this).
Monday was Brad's first day of high school.
Tuesday was the second 'anniversary' of Kevin's death. And, for the second year it was also Zack's first day of school.
Thursday was my 37th birthday. Which was as tough as Tuesday - and not because of my age.
Today is Brad's first high school cross country meet and I'm devastated that Kevin is missing it.

Every moment of this week has been sad.
My belly has been uneasy and I can't rest.
I'm terribly stressed.
I've had little sleep since I keep waking up in the night.
I have no interest to hang out with friends.
Late today is a family birthday party. How fun that will be! I can't wait to be the only one there without her husband!
I need to get back into my exercise routine.
My best friend forgot my birthday.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Doing the dirty deed

I woke up early this morning and had to do the dirty deed. I don't like having to do it. I preferred when Kevin did it for me. But, being a single girl leaves me no choice. Just a few years ago, Kevin took care of it for me. He never complained about it. I asked and he did it and I was left with nothing but a smile. It was that easy.

But, since he is gone, I was left with no choice. I had to drop Scarlet off at the vet's office this morning to get spayed. She looked up at me with her gorgeous seven month old puppy dog eyes as I handed the pink leash over to the doctor. "Be sure to pick her up by 5:30pm" the tiny framed veterinarian said as I turned to leave.

Selfish as I am, I used to make Kevin take all the pets to get fixed. I didn't want them to associate their bad experience with me. It was important to me that they never remembered me driving them to their doom. Sounds silly, I know, but really what it means is that Kevin was kind, caring and he compromised...for ME. He went to work late and dropped the beloved family pets off just so that I wouldn't have to.

So, today I had my millionth moment where I thought "this would've been so different if he were still here with me" and then I cried my millionth tear.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Going back there again

If I go to the biathlon Sunday, I'll have two choices. I can join everyone else and compete. Or, I can stand at the finish line and 'cheer' everyone on. If I take the first option, I know that at some point during the race I will cross the spot where he died. I never went there. I wanted to, but I haven't been able to do it, yet. I have visions in my head of the scene. Kevin lying in the street. Nothing but a stranger to the police, race workers, and the supporters on the sidelines. His face as he slipped away into nothingness forever. His warm skin turning cold. His lungs screaming for air - air that was denied him.

If I stay back at the finish line, I'll be standing there reminded that he never crossed it. Undoubtedly, I will wait there for everyone to finish and it will fill me with sadness and anger. Tears will rise up because I'll think about two years ago. I'll think about how he fell from his bike and died without me. Each tear that will fall from my face represents something that's been stolen from me...years of happiness, a kiss, laughter, joy.


My heart has been so heavy.

I don't think I can do it.


Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

82 words

It's 11:24pm on Sunday night and I have to work in the morning. I'm sitting in my bed (where else would I be?) and I'm wide awake thinking about what a week from today will bring. I know exactly what the fourth Sunday in August brought two years ago...a biathlon that was never finished, broken hearts, tears, shattered dreams - death. Two years of sheer agony. Two years of birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and milestones alone. Enough tears to fill Lake Erie...twice!

Exactly one hour later, and only 82 words later, I'm signing off for the night in order to get some sleep so that I can wake to another day of sadness.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Camp Widow August 2010

Ok, so I've been battling this post all week.
I went to Camp Widow in San Diego last weekend.
I went with a friend and her husband who lost his first wife almost three years ago.
It took me a while to commit to going.
I struggle with being a widow and I can't stomach the thought of being identified as one.
All I want is to move through my grief and be done.
It's difficult for me to look into the future three or four years from now and be known as a widow.
Don't confuse this with being remarried.
For clarity, I don't want widowhood to define me.
When I walk into a room full of people I know, I don't want them to look at me and see a widow.
It simply cannot be who and what I am now or in the future.
I didn't want this, ask for this, nor can I accept this. Not yet. Maybe never.
Maybe I'm delusional? In denial?
Whatever it may be that I am, I don't want to be a widow!
Some people despise certain words. They cringe when they hear them. Words like moist or clitoris.
For me, it's the word widow.

Michele Neff Hernandez , founder of Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, is an amazing woman who has given so much to the widowed community. I can't begin to imagine all the hard work, time and dedication she has committed to this wonderful non-profit organization. I had the opportunity to meet her, and many other widows and widowers who have made a difference in the lives of the grieving. I envy them. They stand proudly in front of many and claim the badge they've been given, whether they wanted it or not. I, on the other hand, am trying to run as fast as I can from it. I simply have nothing to give.

I went into, and walked away from, Camp Widow with very mixed emotions.
It was wonderful to meet so many great people I only knew through the world wide web:

• Andrea - beautiful inside and out
• Matt - surprisingly down-to-earth and refreshingly funny
• Sarah - a smile that lights up a room
• Robin - an amazing woman who has a spring in her step despite her loss
• Carol - highlight of my weekend was meeting her. How incredible to have lost, suffer and still manage to put smiles on faces!
• Abigail - a tender-hearted woman that naturally makes you feel welcome
• Hyla - spunk, optimism, glowing beauty, and contagious positivity

I had fun, cried, grieved, experienced, smiled, reminisced, fell apart, made connections, and reached another milestone. I won't lie...it hurt to be there, but at least there was somewhere for me to go.

Chris (widower), Tiffany (friend), Me

A widow's gotta have some fun ;)

This wonderful woman came back into my life after almost
20 years for a reason. I'm so grateful for that!

Trying a smile on for size

Andrea and I by the Tribute Tile Wall

Chris' first wife and my Kevin

Carol, me, Hyla

Kevin's Tribute Tile and the SSLF mug I won in the
Widow Dash race

Hyla took this picture of me right after the Widow Dash race.
I'm not sure I recognize the woman in this photo.
Funny thing, everyone else does.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Wedding Invitation

Kevin's brother is getting married.
In Virginia.
In September.
The wedding invitation came in the mail today.
It was addressed to Jennifer Karn.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Slump

Man, I have really fallen into a slump! These have been bad days. I can't seem to shake it. I haven't gone to the grocery store for two weeks and there's not much food in the house. I've either ordered out for dinner since I've gotten back from vacation or we've gone to a restaurant. The grass needs cut and the bathroom needs cleaned and I really don't care. I'm not working out every day and my diet has gone to shit. I'm actually getting a lot done at work, but I feel very panicked about everything that still needs to be done. It's overwhelming me.

I feel like my shoulders are hunched over and I'm sort of just falling into myself. I can feel the pain in my eyes. Without looking in the mirror I know it's evident on my face. I can hear it in my voice. When I talk to my mother on the phone she keeps asking me what's wrong and I simply say I'm tired. I don't want to worry her although I know she's smarter than that.

Tears keep creeping into my eyes along with that well known tightness in my throat. I struggled not to cry in the waiting room at Brad's guitar lessons tonight. Then I tried not to cry in the drive thru at McDonald's as I bought my kids another unhealthy dinner, reminded of my lousy parenting skills lately.

My bed has become my new best friend...especially since I've either lost all my close friends or the relationships are terribly strained. To make matters worse, sports, school, and busy schedules start up again in the next week, or so. I outta be great at juggling it all.

For the first time in a while I've been thinking about how I don't want to continue on. Death would be so much easier...for me.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

'Family' Vacation Minus the Dad

I took the kids on vacation to Myrtle Beach, SC for eight days at the end of July...

View from our balcony

We hit the beach the minute we got there

The hotel had 23 water attractions.
We swam, went down the slides, and relaxed in the lazy river for hours.

Zack, Kellie, Kristie, Brad

We shopped a little at those touristy stores

Kristie, Brad, Zack, Jaws
(Kellie stayed at the hotel because she was having a bad day)

Visited Ripley's Believe it or Not aquarium and actually
got to pet huge sting rays

Kristie

Kevin's nephew drove up from Charleston and met us
for dinner at Broadway at the Beach

Zack, Kellie, Andrew, Kristie, Brad

Pimps

Goofballs

Had fun at Ripley's Believe it or Not movie theater,
haunted house, mirror maze, and museum

Took in the sights along the boardwalk

Zack, Kristie, Me, Kellie, Brad

Me and the sister I never had ;)

Took a 2 hour horseback riding tour through
the woods and along a private beach

Brad loves to pop up behind right when I
snap the picture hehe

Kristie, Brad and I really had fun on the horses.
Kellie and Zack...not so much.

Kellie trying to smile

Zachary

Private island

We took a banana boat out to a parasail boat and then
sailed almost 400 feet in the air

Kellie getting ready for take off

Zachary enjoying the ride

Kristie, Kellie

Zack, Brad, Me

Zachary, Bradley, Kristie, Me, Kellie

Kristie wore the wrong short to
Myrtle Beach

Brad, Kellie, Kristie, Zack
Usually I center better, but those throw away cameras...

We drove to Charleston for a day and visited a plantation,
took a horse drawn buggy ride through historic downtown,
and ate dinner at an excellent Irish Pub. Visiting with Andrew
was awesome.

Driveway leading to the plantation house

Charleston, SC is BEAUTIFUL!!!

Battery Park
Charleston, SC

Kellie shared her corned beef with Andy

Kayaking :) :) :) :) :)

We celebrated Kristie's 19th birthday while on vacation
It was her second birthday without her dad

We also went to the movies, shot hand guns
at a shooting range, played mini golf, ate
like pigs, read on the beach (well, I did) and
laughed. We had a really good time.

I was a bit sad to go on the trip without Kevin.
I cried my first day there because Zack wanted
to fish and I didn't know how to help him. I thought
he was down at the pier fishing when I discovered
he had given up and went back to the hotel room.
Kevin would've taken the boys fishing.

I've been very sad since we've gotten back. I'm
not sleeping too well, I can't concentrate at work
and I feel like I've taken a few steps back compared
to the beginning of summer. My heart aches a lot and
I am not at ease. Tears are coming more frequently,
I'm inconsistent with working out, I've lost interest in
running, and I just want to stay in my room a lot. I'm
tired and worn out. I keep feeling for the wedding
ring that is no longer there.

August marks the anniversary of his death.
September would've been our 19th wedding anniversary.

I wish winter would hurry up and get here.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Misery

My left thumb has been searching lately.
It did this at first, but then stopped.
After a while, it knew not to reach, rub, feel.
Maybe it's a yearning feeling.
It's uncontrollable.
Unexplainable, maybe.
Maybe not.
I think it's lonely.
Thumb's friend is gone.
The one that kept her company.
It happens without premeditation.
Without control, it happens on its own.
There is no predicting when or where.
Running.
Shopping.
Waiting in line.
Driving in the car.
Thumb's friend had to be removed for safe keeping.
Weight loss did her in.
She doesn't fit anymore.
She was shiny, plain, very simple and white gold.
Yes, my thumb has been searching for my wedding ring.
And, every time my thumb involuntarily reaches over to the base of my left ring finger in hopes to feel the smooth, cold metal and finds nothing, I am reminded of my misery.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Trying to get back in the game

My belly is very upset. I feel like I need to throw up.
Today is August 1st. I hate August.
I have several blog posts I've been wanting to write, but can't seem to get them on paper.
I've been having a rough time. Crying a lot again. Sad.
I keep having moments where I can't grab hold of reality.
My heart hurts.
In 23 days it will have been two years.
I keep getting farther and farther away from him.
I wish I would fall asleep and...
Excuse me while I go vomit in the toilet.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn