Old Spice

Zachary always wears a plain white t-shirt to bed, just like his dad did. He also wears the same deodorant Kevin wore. I'm not sure why, because there a few teen deodorants that I would assume he would prefer over what is viewed as an older man's deodorant. I always remember my father wearing the cologne. It holds memories of my childhood and my life as Mrs. Kevin Karn.

I was standing in the cold basement at the washing machine sorting through dirty white socks, shirts and under garments. As I tossed one of Zack's t-shirts into the old machine I caught a whiff of Old Spice. I caught a whiff of Kevin. I caught a flood of emotion that ran through my body in a split second.

After Kevin died, I took the white t-shirt he had worn to bed that night and smelled it over and over again until the smell was gone. I even kept it sealed in a zip loc bag in an effort to retain that Old Spice scent. Each night before bed I would open it up and breathe him in. I wanted to fill my entire body with him. His scent did not stay longer than two or three months. One day I opened the bag and smelled the shirt for the last time. I was heartbroken to find it had lost all trace of Kevin. That t-shirt is still entombed in the zip loc bag just minus the Old Spice, minus Kevin.

I recently blogged about my very bad memory. Since Old Spice has traveled with me through life I will never forget its trademark scent. It reminds me of my father. It reminds me of Kevin. And, now it reminds me of Zack.

1996

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

I only cry on days that end in 'y'

I stopped at the cemetery this morning before work. I cried.

I heard a song on the radio. It made me cry.

I looked out the window at lunch and thought of you. Cried again.

Everytime I looked at one of your pictures today it made me cry.

I had a bad day at work. I cried on my way home.

I'm tired, I have shin splints, and I have that achy feeling in my heart. My eyes cry big, wet tears.

I tried real hard not to cry in a meeting today.

Brad's birthday is next week. He'll be 14. He was only 12 when you left. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

You're the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. In other words, I go to bed crying and I wake up crying.

I bought a hand carved, wood statue. I placed it on my desk at work today. It's a man holding a woman. It's called "Promise." I saw it in the store Sunday evening and a feeling came over me. It reminds me of us. I had to have it. Looking at it makes me cry.

The good news is, I only cry on days that end in 'y.'

Promise

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Two? Or, one?

Before you get married, you are an individual. You are distinct. You are you. You are one. After you get married you become part of someone else. You are one of two. When you have a relationship like Kevin and I had, it's sometimes hard to distinguish between the two. Not literally, of course, but you become very much alike. You become one.

As I was driving Scarlet home from the veterinarian's office today I couldn't help but think about how much Kevin would've loved this little girl. We both loved our Golden's. It was then that I began to wonder who loved Goldens first? Was it me and he grew to love them, or the other way around? I don't know.

As the day grew older, I got lost in these thoughts. While I swam my laps I thought about the millions of ways we were alike. I thought about all of our same interests. Who loved soccer and introduced it to the other? Which one of us talked the other one into going on road trips, especially to Amish Country? Was it him who took me on my first camping trip, or the other way around?

You don't lose who you are. Rather, you become a better person. You become someone else. Someone whose life has been enhanced by the other person. You gain new experiences which make you who you are today. But then, you suddenly don't know who you are anymore. He's gone. He's no longer there. It's just what you like and what you want and who you are. The word one takes on a whole new meaning. You're walking through life...like a robot.

Scarlet 9 weeks old

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Memories

I have a really bad memory. I only remember a handful of specific events from my childhood and everything else is lost. It's floating around somewhere in my head, somewhere where I can't locate it. Believe it or not, I don't remember much about my kids when they were babies and toddlers. I can't remember what I had for dinner yesterday or what I said in conversation with my friends last week.

Sometimes pictures help spark a recollection, sometimes they don't. I know people who have very sharp, vivid memories. I've always envied them. The first time I saw the 6th Harry Potter movie where Dubledore extracted his memories from his head with his wand and placed them into the Pensieve I was lost with possibility. If only I had a Pensieve I would never have to worry about forgetting.

I would never worry about forgetting his smile, his eyes, his laugh, his touch. I could immerse my face into that bowl of water and see him how he once was...alive, well, happy, flashing that smile of his that melts my heart.

I have this picture of us on my desktop on my pc at work. Every morning I turn it on and I look deep into his eyes. There are those beautiful hazel eyes looking back at me. My eyes trace every detail as I try to burn it into my brain forever, hoping it will never get lost in that place with the rest of my life. Then I open up my emails and begin my day. Today, however, is Friday and I've spent way too much time studying the details of his eyes, lips, and cheeks. If I took this picture off of my desktop I may be able to concentrate a bit more each day. But, I'm afraid I'll forget.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Time

Thursdays are busy meeting days for me at work. I typically have back-to-back meetings starting at 8:45am. As I was drinking my morning coffee and eating my daily whole wheat peanut butter toast, I opened my notebook to write the date at the top of the page when it suddenly occurred to me. I sat at that long oval conference table with ten coworkers and realized March 24th came and went and not once did I think about the 19 month anniversary of Kevin’s death.

Immediately, I began to rationalize my forgetfulness…I’m swamped at work…I’ve had a stress headache for three days…I haven’t had time to work out all week which helps keep me balanced…I’m pretty tired…I didn’t get home from work until almost 8pm last night.

This is what widows do. We count. We feel guilty. We do everything we can to hang onto our past life. Time is our enemy. The more time that passes the more separated we become from the happy life we once had to the new life we didn’t ask for.

Nineteen months is a long time. I don’t like hitting ‘milestones’ in this unwanted journey. One year. Eighteen months. Two years. Five years.

I have traumatically associated with the number 24. Every 24th of the month unnerves me. If I see the combo of 8.24 it sets me off (particularly on a digital clock). I actually have a phobia of getting bib number 824 in a race someday. He died two days before my birthday, so I hate my birthday now. He died on a Sunday, so Sundays bother me. The wake was on a Thursday. He was buried on a Friday. It goes on and on…just like time.

Time
Time goes fast
Time goes slow
Time sees people die
Time sees the grass grow
Time does not forget
Time does not forgive
Time crushes and kills
Time takes all you have to give
Time rushes past
Time ticks and tocks
Time is shown by the sun
Time is on the kitchen clock
Time is going slowly
Time tells you what must be done
Time is running out
Time waits for you to have fun
Time is impatient
Time is kind
Time is cruel
Time doesn't mind
Time is a second
Time is forever
Time is right this minute
Time is now or never
~ Amy Darnbrook

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Back to reality

All last week I blogged cheerfully...or, at least I didn't whine. Today, I need to whine.

These are thoughts I jotted down in my journal throughout my sad Monday:

My day didn't start well. I had two bad dreams. The first, which seemed to melt into the second, I dreamt that a very good friend died. Even though the dream bothered me when I awoke, in the dream itself I was emotionless. Sort of like I didn't care. The second was a bit weird. I was at a college visiting my daughter. As I walked through the busy halls, I overheard a girl talking to her dad on the phone begging him to come visit her. I could tell from the conversation that he wasn't going to come. Somehow I found out who he was and got him to come to campus to see her. When he got there, I chastised him for taking for granted his ability to be with his daughter. I stood in the hallway outside her dorm room and yelled at him like he was a child. I woke up and proceeded to cry. Cry hard tears. Cry for the millionth time.

Yesterday, Kristie, Brad, and I went to a skating party for Brad's school. Two things bothered me. They bothered me so much, that I thought about it at work today: 1. Most of the parents that brought their kids left their spouses at home. It drives me nuts that I know so many married people and they are rarely seen with their other halves. Kevin would've gone with me, no doubt! 2. At one point, as I skated by, all the dads from our group of friends were sitting at one of the tables chatting and laughing. How unfair. Kevin wasn't there. He was supposed to be sitting at that table, too.

When I got to work, I went in the mailroom to check my mailbox (something I can't remember to do regularly these days). A coworker was sitting at the scanner and I participated in the usual Monday banter, "Good morning S, how are you today?" In a very chipper tone, she replied, "I'm great! How about you?" I lied and said, "I'm good, thanks." As I walked back down the hall to my office I thought, "Of course you're great. Your husband will be at home waiting for you at the end of the day." Why do people ask widows how they're doing? I hate that GD question and hate even more that I have to reply with a bold faced lie. I really want to say, "I'm having my 570th shitty day. Thanks for asking."

I had a rough day. I couldn't concentrate. My usual Monday. I don't know why. My heart hurt today. I felt the need to talk to him. To see him. I felt the need to know why.

I've been having second thoughts about doing the biathlon today. I knew this would happen. Dave knew this would happen. It's exactly 5 months from today. Which also means five months from today Kevin will have been gone two whole years. TWO YEARS! I'm going to play it by ear. Whatever happens, happens. If I go then I go. If I don't, then I don't. That's the best I can do.

I thought about my swim on Saturday. I was repulsed by a man in the pool who wouldn't stop looking at me while I swam. I don't know why he kept looking, but I wanted to choke him for it. Maybe I wear my pain on my sleeve. I often wonder if people who don't know me can see the pain in my face, in my eyes. Is it obvious? Can people read me like a book?

Kevin, each day is supposed to get easier, but I miss you more with each passing moment.

I don't know how many times I've looked at this photo of him.

It's from many years ago. I just noticed he has his wedding ring on.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Sunday's Song

Sorry, I had no inspiration to write yesterday. Just wan't feeling it.

Sunday's Song is mine and Kevin's wedding song. Does anyone else find this ironic?

Click here to hear the song

Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers

Oh my love my darling
I've hungered for your touch
A long lonely time
And time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love to me

Lonely rivers flow to the sea to the sea
To the open arms of the sea
Lonely rivers sigh wait for me wait for me
I'll be coming home wait for me

Oh my love my darling
I've hungered hungered for your touch
A long lonely time
And time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love to me

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Final Friday

I've changed today's theme to Final Friday. I want to share with you the last Friday I had with Kevin.

Kevin died on a Sunday morning. That whole week, I was in San Francisco on a business trip. I usually love to travel for both business and pleasure, but I was very uneasy about that trip. I couldn't figure out why. I left the Sunday before and was scheduled to return on Thursday evening. My meetings ended at 4pm on Wednesday, so I went to my hotel room, booked the red eye back to Cleveland that evening and checked out of the hotel. I landed at Hopkins Airport at 6am Thursday. My wonderful husband was there waiting for me. He gave me a kiss and drove me home. We got home in time for him to go to work and for me to take the kids to school. I spent the rest of the day catching up on things. That evening was a typical weekday evening.

The next day, Friday, Kevin and I both went to work and the kids went to school. The weather was warm that evening. Friends stopped by and we sat in the backyard chatting. Kevin played with Anthony, our friend's youngest. He jumped on the trampoline with him. We decided to go to Malley's Chocolates in Lakewood for some refreshing ice cream. The 6 of us and the 7 of them piled into our vans and headed to Malley's to cool off.

We had a blast. The four adults sat at one table, the girls were at their own table and the boys were at another. I'll never forget when Dominic texted Zachary pretending to be a girl interested in him. Zack responded with some rather foul language. When Dominic read Zack's text his eyes got huge and his mouth got wide. Kevin and I read the text, too, and we both cracked up laughing. Kevin couldn't contain himself. He was trying so hard to not let Zack see us. We played along for a few minutes and when I finally broke the news to Zack that it was Dominic texting him he had a look like, "Oh man, I'm in trouble."

We spent our last Friday together with our kids and great friends. We ate delicious ice cream and laughed the whole time. I'll never forget that night. I can't help but wonder if we would've done anything different had we known it was our last Friday together. Something tells me it was exactly the way it was supposed to be.

Looking back, I wished I hadn't gone on that trip. But, I suppose we can't live our lives trying to change what aleady is.

"It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Thankful Thursday

I've been waiting all week for today's post! I blog my pain on this site, I Tweet my sufferings, and I post my sorrows on Facebook. I do so not for attention, but because I just need to get it out. Many people comment on my writing and it feels nice to know people actually read it and care. So, this is just a small way I can recognize all the people who have been there to listen to me cry, ramble like a selfish brat, and rant like a raving lunatic. This is a list of people who continued to support me and the kids on a regular basis after the initial shock, the funeral, and after the first several weeks when it was still fresh in everyone's minds. These are the people who, in some very small or very big way, have made life over the past 19 months possible. They are listed in no particular order. I sure hope I didn't miss anyone.

1. My mom - Donna G. - for giving so much unconditionally, even your tears
2. Megan G - because I know you care and love us even though you think you don't let us know
3. Sue D. - for listening to me endlessly and providing many needed hugs
4. Tiffany S. - for giving me advice, sharing your private thoughts, and encouraging me to go on
5. Laura S. - for sharing your wine (and other unmentionables:)
6. Jeff G. - for not being afraid to tell me how much you care
7. All my kids teachers and coaches, esp. Fred K and Kyle K - for being so kind and patient
8. Dave and Ana M - two truly wonderful people who let me be me and don't judge me for it
9. Chris N - for those emails letting me know you may be a busy bee but not too busy to forget about me
10. Dominic S - for being there for Kristie and Brad
11. Jimmy K - for not forgetting about the boys and for graciously answering the phone every time I call for your help
12. Tammy S - for caring, understanding, listening, and loving
13. Glenn G - for fixing things for me
14. Kathy W - for giving my kids so many chances - you wouldn't believe how much it helped ME
15. Kim B - you are a gift and a truly magnificent woman. thank you for being my friend
16. Mary K - for sharing your tears so eloquently
17. Stephanie T - for the little things you say
18. Debbie G - even in your own strife you manage to think of me

"One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind."
~ Malayan Proverb

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Wonderful Wednesday

ABCs of the wonderful things about Kevin...

A - adorable, attractive, awesome
B - beautiful, benevolent
C - charming
D - delightful, delicious
E - earnest, enchanting
F - friendly, fantastic, faithful, flawless
G - gentleman,
H - handsome, humble
I - interesting, important
J - jovial, joyous

K - kind, kissable

L - loving, loyal

M - magnificent, missed
N - nice
O - one of a kind
P - patient, priceless
Q - quiet, quaint
R - reliable, religious, responsible, respectful, remarkable
S - smart, singular, sincere, sweet
T - terrific, talented,
U - unselfish

V - virtuous, valuable

W - witty, wonderful

X - x-tra loved, missed, wonderful

Y - young
Z - zealous







Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Tuesday's Tale

In June I met Kevin.
In August I turned 15.
We dated until September when my parents found out.
We broke up for a little more than a year.
We were reunited in Januaray when I was 16.
He proposed Christmas day. I was 17. My mother cried.
I graduated from high school in June.
We had our first child, Kristin, in July.
I turned 18 in August.
We were married in September. It was a beautiful wedding!

Along came Kellie in December. I was 19.
We were young.
We were in love.
We were broke.

Zachary, our first son, was born in February.
I was 21.
He was the only one we planned :)
But, the other three were just as precious.

I wanted another boy. I got lucky.
We had Brad in April.
I was 22. Wow! Four kids by 22.
Kevin was 28.
What were we thinking?
We weren't thinking Kevin wouldn't be around to see them become adults.

My mother and father loved him as if he were their own.
My brothers couldn't find a bad thing to say about him.
My friends were jealous of my wonderful husband.
I was lucky. Lucky doesn't even describe it.

On our fifth wedding anniversary, we took a nice trip to Niagara Falls for a couple days.
We took a helicopter ride over the falls.
We tried to renew our vows, but all the chapels were closed on Sundays.

After seven years of marriage we were struggling.
We separated for five weeks.
He tried very hard to make it work.
He was very forgiving.
I didn't deserve him.

In February, we took a nine day trip to Hawaii.
It was the honeymoon we never had.
We had a blast.
We found eachother again.

In 2000, after nine years of marriage and four kids I decided to go to college.
He supported me every step of the way.
He cooked, cleaned, bathed the kids, took them to practices.
He made it very easy for me to graduate with honors.
Kevin and the kids went to my graduation in 2004.
I cried.

He was completely unselfish.
He never asked for anything.
He gave everything.
He loved unconditionally.
He treated me like a queen.
He was a wonderful husband.
He was an amazing father.

In August of 2008 he competed in a biathlon.
He never made it across the finish line.
He died with one mile left.
Some say he died doing what he loved...being a father.

I can't help but feel I've been cheated.
But, I also can't help but feel I'm the luckiest person in the world.
I had something for 20 years that many people never have in a lifetime.
The last ten years of our marriage was wonderful.
We had our moments like any married couple, but we had way more good ones than bad.

I'm not sure how he put up with me.
He must've been a saint.
He grounded me.
He was my buffer.
He made me who I am today.
Even though it ended this way, I wouldn't of had it any other way.
Skipping the pain in the end meant I would've had to skip all the love and happiness I had for 20 years.

I'll take this pain, misery, single-parenthood, and widowed status any day over not ever having him.
I hope I'm wrong and there is a heaven.
I hope some day I'll see him again.
I hope he'll look me in the eyes and tell me he wouldn't have changed a thing, either.

"If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee."
- Anne Bradstreet

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Days of this week

In an effort to have a full week of pleasant posts I've tagged each day of this week with a positive theme. I am going to stick to these themes for this week and blog something happy/funny/witty/endearing/positive, etc. each day. I'm hoping that even if I have a bad day or I'm feeling blue, blogging pleasantries will lift my spirits (and yours). We'll see :)

Mindful Monday
Tuesday's Tale
Wonderful Wednesday
Thankful Thursday
Fulfilled Friday
Silly Saturday
Sunday's Song

Let's begin...

Mindful Monday

I am aware of all those who love me.
I love everyone I've been blessed to have in my life.
My dogs bring joy to my days.
I know things could be worse.
Even though work is really, really stressful right now I'm very aware that I could be jobless without health insurance.
I've pushed many people away and someday when I'm ready for relationships again I hope they can forgive me.
There are many nice people in this world who do really nice things selflessly for others.
Not every moment that I think of Kevin makes me sad.
Even though my mother and I have our moments, I would be lost without her.
I don't care how fattening icecream is because I can't live without it.
A good friend always listens to me ramble and she gives me a hug every time I cry. Not once does she look put out.
I love to help others and share knowledge with them.
Kind, caring, and patient teachers have helped my kids through a very rough 18 months.
Many people have provided great advice.
There are certain people who ask me how I'm doing and they ask it in a way that says, "I'm thinking of you today."
Loss shines light on what's important in life.
I know Kevin loved me.
I know that Kevin knew that I loved him. I know he knew because I told him every day.

"All that is gold does not glitter
not all those who wander are lost
the old that is strong does not wither
deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken
a light from the shadows shall spring
renewed shall be blade that was broken
the crown less again shall be king."
- J.R.R. Tolkien

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

This Weekend

Friday

• Took the day off work.
• Needed a mental health day.
• Needed some alone time.
• Took Brad to breakfast.
• Took Brad to the doctor's for a physical for track season which starts Monday.
• Got in a swim and weight lifting.
• Spent the evening with great friends eating, drinking, talking & crying.
• Brad hurt his foot playing basketball at our friend's house.

Saturday

• Ran the first race of the season with my husband's lifetime bestfriend.
• I almost cried at the start line.
• This was his first race.
• He wants to do the biathlon in August in memory of Kevin and he wants Brad to be his partner.
• I want to do the biathlon, too.
• We're going to make shirts.
• We're hoping for lots of friends and family to come and wear the shirts.
• Afterwards, we went to breakfast and then the cemetery.
• I've missed them.
• I took Kellie to get her first tattoo.
• I took Brad to the ER and found out he broke his foot.

Sunday

• Ran 7.7 miles with Jackson and a friend.
• Took Jackson to the dog wash and tried to get rid of the last of the skunk smell. It's didn't really work.
• Got a haircut.
• Went grocery shopping.
• Cleaned the house and did laundry.
• Took the kids out to eat for dinner.
• I don't want to go to work tomorrow. This is not like me.
• I thought about Kevin all day.
• I'm tired and my heart aches today.
• I took a picture of my new Golden Retriever puppy, Scarlet.
• Kevin would've loved her.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Recent thoughts

Some days are good.
Some days are bad.
Some days are just days.

Each day is hard.
Each day is new.
Each day is the same.

At times I smile.
At times I laugh.
At times I forget my sadness.

There are moments when I'm mad.
There are moments when I'm sad.
There are moments when I scream.

I am positive.
I am thankful.
I am productive.

I'm allowed to be pessimistic.
I'm allowed to be angry.
I'm allowed to be me.

I look up at the sky at night and stare at the stars.
I love the stars.
They make me wonder.
They make me smile.
They make me cry.
They make me miss you.
I don't know why.

I want to live and laugh and love.
I want to die and be saved from my agony.
I want answers.
I want my husband back.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Selfish Relief

• Seven months after Kevin died a coworker found her fiancé dead on their couch on a Monday morning.
• Three months after Kevin died a coworker's husband succumbed to cancer.
• A year after Kevin died a male coworker died suddenly at the airport and left his wife to raise four young children, two of which are autistic.
• Somewhere in all of this, another young female employee died suddenly just a few months after giving birth to her precious baby girl. That girl will never know her mother.
• Today, I found out that another employee's husband died. She woke up in the morning and couldn't get her husband awake. He died in the bed next to her while they were sleeping.

Every time I hear about someone losing a spouse my heart instantly aches and I feel a bond, a strange closeness to them, even if I've never met them. I may even shed a tear or two depending on the kind of day I'm having and how strongly the story tugs at my heartstrings. But, I also feel an incredible relief. I selfishly say, "I'm so glad it's not me." Yes, almost 19 months ago it was me. But, it's not me today. I just couldn't imagine starting over and being back at the beginning with this profound grief. Even though it's still extremely difficult to get through each day, every day before today was harder than today...and harder than tomorrow will be. When I find out about loss of this magnitude in someone else's life I know exactly what the ones left behind are going through and I can't help but be thankful that it's not me...not today.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

New Blog Look

For those of you who read my blog through Google Reader, I've changed the look of my blog. I'm still trying to figure out a few things with it. Let me know if you like it or find it harder to read/navigate. Thanks.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

I...

I think of him…constantly

I stare at his pictures

I remember his hugs

I think about his laugh

I imagine him here

I wonder how things would be different

                  Different if he were still here

                  Different if it had been me

I think about quitting my job

I dream of moving away

I want to lie in bed all day

I wish I had an easy, no-responsibility job

I hate the people who let him die

I hate others that I can’t mention

I resent my kids for being the reason I have to stay

I want to go on vacation, but find it too overwhelming to plan the damn trip

I want to be left alone

I need people to understand my pain

I feel empty

I want a certain someone to give me a fucking break

I am tired of faking smiles at work

I want to have a dream about him

I miss him

I still love him and always will

I long for the warm, dry summer days so I can lie on his grave under an umbrella for hours

I have guilt in ways you wouldn’t expect

I never let a day go by that I didn’t tell him I loved him

I need my tears to dry up

I would like for my heart to stop hurting

I am waiting for my Oscar

I need a break

I want to know why

I have commitment issues

I don’t like how some people make me feel

I wish there were second chances

I have lost faith, hope, and love

I want to close my eyes forever and never have to worry about all of the above

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Hope

Over the past few weeks I’ve been experiencing urges and feelings that I haven’t had since Kevin first passed away. Within the first few weeks I would have split moments of a reality lapse. I would think in my head, “Oh, I have to call Kevin and tell him…” and within a millisecond I realize what I’ve done. It all comes back to me that I can’t call him. He won’t be sitting in his chair in the living room when I get home from work. My buffer is gone.
Recently, I’ve had a few moments like this. It’s weird because over time I’ve stopped ‘forgetting’ he died. But, suddenly, I’m having these moments again and it must be a sort of relapse. Just this morning I had an overwhelming desire to call him and talk about a problem I’ve been having with Kellie. I’m overwhelmed with issues with the kids and I really need him here to help me.

My family is falling apart and nothing is going as it was supposed to. I don’t see an end to this mess for years to come and I don’t have the energy or desire to see it through. For the first time in my life I don’t care about things. I’ve always been anal about everything. I’ve always been a planner. Now, I could care less. The kids clearly have no desire either. They’ve given up on school and any hopes of going to college and doing something with themselves. I’ve found my new goals are to just see them through until they’ve reached 18 and have graduated high school. My standards have been lowered considerably.

Today I went to dictionary.com and looked up the word HOPE. I couldn’t remember what it meant. I’ve lost focus. And, this is clearly why…

     hope – noun; the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Fish

Even on not-so-bad days I want it to all be over. The sun can shine, the birds can chirp, the bills can be paid, and the kids can be giving me a break and I still want to be placed 6 feet under. Or, another way to describe this feeling is that I'm not adamant on living. It's more like not caring. Not wanting to have to work so damn hard at everything. I don't want to make all the decisions, listen to the venting, take all the crap, and be the only one being the bad guy.


I'm finding it hard to go to work this week.
I'm finding it hard to be motivated to do anything this week.
I'm finding it hard to concentrate at work this week.


Death isn't the worst thing that can happen. Living in misery is much worse. I often think about what I wouldn't have to do, take care of, and worry about if I were to just die. Everyone would get along just fine without me. People lose their parents all the time and survive. No preparation. No drama. Just death.


Zack's been bugging me for weeks to buy a green spotted puffer fish for him to give his Theology teacher. He's become particularly fond of this teacher. That's unusual because Zack doesn't normally open up or get close to adults. This man is very nice and understanding. I think he's taken a likeness to Zack and has sort of taken him under his wing. On the way home from the pet store with the fish, we were talking about the aggressive characteristic of these types of fish. Zack wanted to get two, but the store clerk suggested only one because they fight. I said to Zack, "Fish get stressed out and that causes them to die." I felt my eyes get big. I've been under a tremendous amount of stress for over 1 1/2 years, why haven't I died? I wish I had been a fish. Then, when the going gets too tough I would croak and be released from my suffering. To make it even better, there would be no fussing...just a toilet flush.

I mentioned this photo to Zack.

He doesn't remember Kevin pretending to dunk him in our fish tank.

He was young.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

It's been a...

rough weekend.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Jimmy

I've been going back and forth about my hot water tank. It's been acting up and I knew I had to get it looked at or replaced. I was having a hard time deciding if I should go to Home Depot, buy a new one, and pay them to install it or ask Kevin's brother to help. Jimmy never complains and is always willling to help, but I hate bothering people and I hate that I have to bother people.

I finally broke down and called Jimmy. He graciously came by this morning and assessed the situation. We took a trip to Home Depot to get a new valve for the tank and pick up a few other items I've been needing to make minor repairs around the house. Needless to say, I choked back tears several times. At one point, I noticed, in the visor of his truck, a laminated photo of Kevin. It made me feel good that he was keeping Kevin close to him, but it also hurt.

Out of 11 brothers and sisters, Jim is the one that really makes me cry. He looks a lot like Kevin...his hands are exactly the same. I almost cried when I took a close look at Jim's hands today. When the kids were toddlers they would sometimes mistake Jimmy as their father. (We joked about this:) Kevin loved all 11 of his brothers and sisters, but Jim was always special to Kevin. It's hard to ask for help and it's even harder to receive it from Jim. He makes my heart ache and I don't know how to stop it.

After he fixed the screen door, installed a bathroom doorstop, and replaced the part on the hot water tank we met his wife and sisters-in-law for lunch. I had been holding back the tears all morning and, unfortunately, I let them out in the restaurant. Once again, I felt like an idiot and I know I made everyone uncomfortable. This really sucks.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Bad Wife - Good Wife

Shortly after Kevin died I contacted his partner at work to recover some of his personal belongings. I was particularly interested in getting his tools, hardhat, and a construction radio I had bought him not too long before. These items were of no cash value, but I was, and still am, very protective of anything that was his. Dave, Kevin's partner, informed me the radio had been stolen from the job site several weeks prior when someone vandalized and pilfered the job site. I remembered Kevin telling me all about the incident, but he failed to mention the radio. It was as if Dave had jammed a knife right through my heart. I was so hurt that Kevin hadn't shared that with me. Then Dave twisted the knife in further as he went on to say that Kevin didn't want to tell me because I'd get mad. To think, my own husband of almost 20 years felt he couldn’t share something so trivial with me.

Yes, I probably would've gotten upset. The radio was not cheap by any means and I bought it for his birthday. However, it was just a radio and it wasn't Kevin's fault...I say in retrospect. So, it got me to think about me. I didn't have a revelation because I was perfectly well aware of who I was (note past tense). It's just that it was too late to do anything about it. Kevin was gone and I couldn't show him how wonderful I really could be as his wife. I didn't have a chance to really make him happy. I would never be able to be a good wife to him. It was too late.

So, I sit in a pool of guilt at the possibility that I will someday meet someone else, allow myself to fall in love again, and just maybe, get remarried. But, this time I'll be a great wife, not the wife I was for Kevin. In other words, my loss and Kevin's loss could quite possibly be someone else's gain. This awful experience could ultimately be to some other man’s benefit. Does that sound awful?

This week hasn't been too bad. Barely any tears have been shed, I’ve been singing in the car, sleep has been mostly uninterrupted, work has kept me super busy and I've been exercising like a fiend. Then, as I sit here spilling my heart across the keys of a laptop for friends, family and strangers to read, my eyes betray me for the uncountable time since 8:20am on August 24, 2008 and I cry. These tears come with incredible pain that rises up not from my belly, but from my heart with force that almost makes it impossible to breathe. Then I wonder if he thought of me as he took his last breath and went away forever.

Our engagement photo.

I was 17.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Things I love

fluffy puppies
when my kids play the guitar and drums
chocolate cake batter
running just after a fresh snowfall that covers everything
funny movies
great books that you just can't put down
family dinners
New York City
purses
country music
swimming in warm water and forgetting everything for a while
Kristie for her big eyes and warm smiles
new running shoes
technology
my job
adventures
hope
winter
Kellie for her crazy comments and amazing sense of humor
friends that understand and know just what to say
friends that care but don't know what to say
Zachary for being just like his dad
Saint Joseph Academy for giving me a future
taking pictures and having them turn out just the way I wanted
Bradley for being so sweet and smiling with his perfect teeth
pictures, so that I'll never forget
my mother and all that she does for us
happy memories
surprises
my dogs
love
happy endings
Kevin

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

Empty boots

Kevin's work boots sit empty next to our bed. As I get dressed each day, I lean over and touch them.

As I ran on the treadmill at the Y, I watched Wheel of Fortune. The male contestant was named Kevin.

When I got home from working out, for some reason I thought about how long we have lived in this house. I thought in my head, "Kevin and I have been here almost 20 years." ooops.

I was sitting at my computer desk reading a few emails about CYO Track this spring. As I called for Brad to come let me know if he wanted to run, I almost called, "Kevin, come here."

Sometimes I listen to music on my iPhone as I walk into work in the mornings so that no one will talk to me. Usually, I'm fighting back the tears because I think about Kevin a lot in the mornings.

Tanner has been gone a year now. I've been calling Jackson Tanner lately. Tanner was Kevin's dog.

I write notes to Kevin on little stickies and then put them on a picture frame on my desk. The frame holds one of my favorite pictures of the two of us. Today's sticky says, "I thought about you 100 times today."

Every night when I lay down in bed, set the alarm, and turn off the light, I tell him out loud that I love him and miss him. He doesn't hear me.

I secretly hope that I'll run into a complete stranger that looks exactly like him.

I saw a father with his children at the ski slopes Sunday. I watched from a distance as he rode the lift with them to the top of the hill. It made me sad.

I can't wear my wedding ring because it falls off my finger now. I also can't wear it because I feel like I'm a fake.

Kevin died on August 24, 2008, left his boots empty and took my heart with him. No one will ever be able to fill his boots. Ever.

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

The In Between

Yesterday, I wrote briefly about how I can't bear to be around Kevin's family. It's not because of them, it's because of what they remind me of. They remind me that he's gone. They remind me how guilty I am for being with them instead of him being with them. They remind me of him. When Kevin died, my family and friends were there (the first few weeks, anyway) and only a very small number of people provided support for the long term. All of these people were from my first life. My life as Mrs. Kevin Karn. Mother of Kevin's four children. My youthful and happy life.

Now, I'm in my second life. The in between. I'm older. I'm different. I'm Kevin's widow. No longer Mrs. Karn, but now Ms. Karn. I always said I would never move far from Cleveland because our life was here. I always enjoyed spending time with family and friends. But, that has all changed. I want badly to move to a new state, buy a new house, find a new job. I want to go where nothing reminds me of my first life. I want to reinvent myself. I want to go where the people don't see a widow when they look me in the eyes, but instead see a vibrant, intelligent, independent woman. Basically, I want to run away. I know running away will not take away my pain, but at least I would have the opportunity to start my third life.

I feel guilty for avoiding everyone. I feel as though I owe every single one of them something and I will never be able to pay my debt to them.

Then, I really think about them. I don't hear from them by phone or even internet. No one ever stops by and I don't seem to get invited to many (not all) of the events. Maybe they're avoiding me just as much as I'm avoiding them? Maybe I cause them pain, too. Maybe I remind them of Kevin. Or, maybe I mark the end of a life for them. Maybe they never really liked me and now they have no obligation to put up with me (which is true for more than one, I'm sure:). Maybe they wouldn't give a rat's fat ass if I moved away.

I'm not liking the in between. I prefer the first life, but I'll settle for the third. I just wish it'd hurry up and get here.

How many lives does a woman get?

Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn