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I caught myself thinking about God. I've been wondering if there's anything after this misery we call life. Can this possibly be it? Why are we all here? What could be the reason we all exist?
I've even been tempted to get a psychic reading. This is what grief does to a person. It challenges one's faith and beliefs and makes a person grasp at straws.
Some might say I don't have beliefs, but that's not true. I believe there is no God. I don't believe in the fairytale we call heaven. I don't believe in psychics, ghosts, angels or demons. I can't bring myself to justify a higher being. I truly believe it's all a bunch of tall tales.Tales that were established many years ago as a form of guilt, power and values and morals for a peaceful society.
Someone died this weekend. Someone Kevin and I knew. I hoped for one brief moment that if there really is a God and even a heaven that she might be with him. But, as hard as I try, I find it to be impossible.
If this wonderful, peaceful heaven exists, why do we have to live life in pain here first then die before we can go there? What sense does that really make? Why do young children die and people commit suicide and wonderful people suffer from cancer if there is an ever-loving God "watching over" us?
I don't know the answers and I could be dead wrong (no pun intended). But, I guess I'll never know. Or, maybe once I do know it won't matter anymore. What I know now is that my husband died and I'm stuck on this stinkin' planet to suffer. I'm sad. I cry. I think all too much about that peaceful resting place six feet below with my name on it.
Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn
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8 comments:
with you on this one. I can't take comfort in those simple images - I try, but it's just not true for me. I do actually believe in some kind of presence, though, whatever it is, just not one particularly involved in anything I understand, and perhaps entirely indifferent. I guess I'm more agnostic in that I know I have no idea about anything. Whatever presence there may or may not be makes no sense to me at all when beautiful, awesome, amazing kind loving people suddenly die and bunches of jerks rage on through their 90s. The best I've got now is that love sits next to us, somehow. Doesn't change it, doesn't help, doesn't make anything better. And, so much of the time - the indifference of everything does make that "peaceful resting place" sound pretty darn good to me. A long life sentence of this just sucks.
While the 'human' wants to believe that there's no God. Somehow the 'soul' within me has something else to say
Im so sad for you. My heart goes out to you.
I don't think anyone has all the answers about God, but one thing I do know. I can't believe in anything else but Him.
Everyday I look outside and see the trees, the intricacy of everything in this world is amazing. Science will never explain to me why we have personalities and why we have feelings and thoughts, but God does.
When I pray to God, I feel such peace.
Did you know that because of God's love for us, He sent down his son to die for us. Can you imagine sending your son anywhere to die for this world? And because he did that, we all have a place to go after we die... but only if love God for loving us. It's a relationship, a beautiful relationship. God will never leave us or forsake us.
Now don't get me wrong! I don't know why bad things happen! I don't know why God created this world or us, but I do know the bad? The bad always brings good. In the storms in my life, I choose to trust in God to pull me out. Knowing that He pulls me out of the storms, gives me hope and fills me with such love. I don't know why God takes people away from us when He does, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but I am praying for you, that you find peace in the days to come and that you will make it through this horrible storm you are in.
I am a practicing Catholic and always believed that there is a heaven and that I would see my loved ones again and that, if enough people prayed for a miracle, it would happen.
I now believe that our destiny is set. No matter what you pray for, it will only happen if it is pre-destined to happen.
You have no idea how much it pains me to believe this now. It frightens me to death but
I can't help it. My healthy handsome tennis playing husband died suddenly of a rare disease that no one knows how to cure. It makes your heart mush and, without a heart transplant you die in 2 weeks. He was in such good shape, he WAS put on the transplant list but after great care by the intensive care unit at NY Presby. he was put into "step down" where people who are doing well go to await their surgery. Nurse Grant (male) and Dr Downey (male) ignored his piercing headache for a whole day and the heparin he had to have to help keep him alive, bled into his brain and killed him.
All our prayers, and there were hundreds, brought no miracle. It pains me to know he is not "there" for me that I can't talk to him or that I will never see him again. It is almost two years. I finally dreamt of him once. Our
family has been destroyed by this loss. I truely wish there is something but there isn't.
I too have lost my husband suddenly and tragically just on April 9th. I just happened upon this site while at work and was hoping all of you can tell me that with time, the sickness in my stomach and the sadness will lighten up. I have 2 children, 13 and 9, and they have been so strong up that it almosts concerns me. I loved my husband so much... he was the love of my life as well and just so fun and cute. I thought this was to be forever also. Such a shock. My heart is so broken and not just for me but the kids and our family who all loved him so much.
I'm trying to work this week and my mind is just not with me.
Plus, there is just so much to deal with I feel just so overwhelmed. How do we do this??
I am a good person and I know I am a good Mom but we were suppose to do this together. It was hard with the 2 of us. Now, I'm crying again..
The picture you posted is one of my favorites. The joy in the eyes of Jesus is one of the things that gives me hope over the trials of this life. I have lived through losing my Dad to cancer when he was 49, my Mom to cancer when she was 69, a heartbreaking divorce,abandonment by my daughter's father before she was born, cancer at the age of 37 (while single with a baby) and again at 46, a heart attack at 51 (damage from cancer treatments),and many "bad" things in life.
My faith in God is what gets me through. I can't imagine living a life without the knowledge that there is a God who created me, who loves me unconditionally, and who will never go away. He has promised to always be by our side through the trials. I have several very close, dear friends who have lost their husbands and although I have not experienced that overwhelming grief personally, I have walked through their journeys with them. I have seen the intense pain, fielded the midnight phone calls, hopped on the plane at a moments notice to hold them, and listened to the same anquish over and over again.
While no one can answer the question - why do bad things happen and why is there pain in our lives, I recognize that there are many, many questions in life that are far beyond my comprehension and I have to just accept them on "faith".
When our children are small, there are many things they want answers to that we, as adults understand, but recognize that they are not mature enough to comprehend, so we expect them to trust us. God is the same with us.
Will enough prayer produce miracles, yes, bu sometimes, an event is a small piece of some much larger picture that it must happen for other things to follow. Your child asks you for something and the answer might be "no", and they don't understand. It could be a safety issue, or that it will interfere with a later event, like a meal. Sometimes the answer is "wait", when it's something they are not mature enough for.
I think of God as my parent. I recognize that He can not explain everything to me, as I do not have his mental maturity. When I ask for things, sometimes the answer is "no" and sometimes it is "wait". I need to accept whatever the answer is, on faith that in the "big picture", He DOES know best and I can trust Him because He is my hope and my future, just like parents are to their own children.
I am NOT saying that the pain you and others are experiencing is anything trivial or easy. What I hope you can take from this is an understanding of why I believe there certainly IS a God, and that He loves me far beyond the way the most loving human parent ever could, and that when I hurt, He hurts. Just like we would like to save our children from certain pain in their life, but know they must go through it for themselves but we will be by their side and support them all the way, He does the same for me.
He CAN and WILL do the same for you. I have seen 2 friends come to faith in God BECAUSE of losing their spouses and being able to experience the peace and comfort that only God can provide to come through their journey. Will you ever "get over it"? No. Will you eventually be able to live a life with joy again? Most certainly YES. The journey is hard, sometimes excruciating, but there will be more and more moments as time goes by that you can find joy in little things.
I know I have a life after this one on earth and it is for eternity with my creator in Heaven. I pray that you will someday invite Him into your heart and that one day I will rejoice with you in that place by his side.
In the meantime, I pray for comfort and healing for you and your children.
It's ironic how if you tell someone you don't believe in God they get so busy trying to convince you otherwise & "save you". If you believe in God & an afterlife, well I think that's great. It's great that you have a source a strength & such conviction to draw from. But -it is just a belief -yours.. & I have mine.
I would never do anything to convince someone they're adimately wrong for what they believe.
The below statement reminds me why I don't wholeheartedly believe:
"we all have a place to go after we die... but only if we love God for loving us."
In my mind, if God really does exist I think he would love us all unconditionally.
In my mind, God would be a little more forgiving. In my mind, a merciful God would say I have your back -no matter what you believe or how cloudy your judgment becomes, I have it. Just like you love your children when they screw up. You don't say "oh well, sorry you blew it. No joyous future for you"
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