Going back there again

If I go to the biathlon Sunday, I'll have two choices. I can join everyone else and compete. Or, I can stand at the finish line and 'cheer' everyone on. If I take the first option, I know that at some point during the race I will cross the spot where he died. I never went there. I wanted to, but I haven't been able to do it, yet. I have visions in my head of the scene. Kevin lying in the street. Nothing but a stranger to the police, race workers, and the supporters on the sidelines. His face as he slipped away into nothingness forever. His warm skin turning cold. His lungs screaming for air - air that was denied him.

If I stay back at the finish line, I'll be standing there reminded that he never crossed it. Undoubtedly, I will wait there for everyone to finish and it will fill me with sadness and anger. Tears will rise up because I'll think about two years ago. I'll think about how he fell from his bike and died without me. Each tear that will fall from my face represents something that's been stolen from me...years of happiness, a kiss, laughter, joy.


My heart has been so heavy.

I don't think I can do it.


Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn