Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

~William Shakespeare

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My Husband Died

Have I told you my husband died?
I must have.
I tell everyone.
I tell them not for attention or the cordial "I'm sorry" that usually follows.
I say it to get it out of the way.
To avoid it coming up awkwardly later.
I also say it so people don't think I'm a 36 year old single mother of four teenages.
I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.
And, by the way, I guess I am a 36 year old single mother of four teenagers.
I usually don't give a rat's fat ass what people think about me, except for that.
He died and left them fatherless.
He died and left me husbandless.
He's gone.
Never coming back.
Me, two girls, two boys.
We were six.
Now we're five.
I don't like odd numbers.
I didn't think it was possible to think about someone as many times a day as I think of him.
Where do we go from here?
How do we start over?
Star over???
It's creeping up on the whopper two year mark.
Two years.
I've been with him since a month before my 18th birthday.
I've been without him for almost 21 months.
Damn him for leaving us.
I had a moment over the weekend where I wanted to text him.
That only lasted a split second then my belly sank.
I almost cried in front of my boss today.
She asked me something about him.
I think I hid it well.
I think.
He is engrained in my inner being.
Not my 'soul'...I don't believe in souls.
He is a part of me.
He is a part of us.
Without him, there would've never been an 'us.'
It's like his blood flows through me.
It's like he breathes into my lungs.
No one would breathe into his lungs.
I haven't had a dream about him in a long time.
I keep saying 'my husband.'
I don't have a husband.
Should I say, 'My late husband'?
Have I told you my husband died?

Five, not six.


Copyright 2010 by Jennifer M. Karn

466 comments:

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paxton4evr said...

You should say whatever you want. xoxo

Jennifer M Karn said...

This comment was left on this post, but I accidentally deleted it and could not retrieve it. Thank you, Paula, for sharing too.

Jennifer
In March 2010 my husband died very suddenly. I'm 58 he was 64. We've been together since I was 16. We were married 40 years last fall. Thank you for writing what you did because it's exactly how I feel. I'm greatful for the years we had together but most days it's not comforting. At this age I didn't think I'd have to rebuild my life. How do you go on. Don't know yet but I don't think there's any set time. I hear people say it takes 2 years but I don't believe that. Take the time you need for as long as you need and say whatever you want I don't give a "Rat's Fat Ass either" xo Paula

Anonymous said...

When I read this, I thought I could have written it. My 57 year old husband passed away May 24th very suddenly. We were together since we were 16. We also have four children. This happened on a Monday morning--our youngest was graduating from college on Saturday and was in the midst of final exams. It was like a dream-I still don't believe it and also think of things that I am going to tell him when I get home from work, think I have to call him etc. After being married for 38 years, I am having extreme difficulty not being part of that couple. I always thought that I was pretty independent, but I long for that feeling of being part of someone so much. Finishing each other's sentences, knowing each other's thoughts without even having to speak. I was truly blessed for the wonderful years we had together, but I am heartbroken that it had to end too soon.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I were together since high school. We were married for 31 years. He passed away suddenly in July 2008. I was Thailand for my job and my job called me to tell me the news. I will never forget that phone call! I was very depressed for months then I had a dream with my husband. It was like we really were together - which I believe we were. After that, I decided to start 2009 fresh. I did meet someone and have been dating ever since. Some may say that was too soon but he has helped me move forward. I feel God bless me with him. I have so much love to share and being as a couple feels right. Unfortunately, my adult children had other ideas for me.... so they were not very enthusiastic about my relationship. And that is OK. They lost their dad and we all grieve in different ways. Every day I say the serenity prayer. It helps keep me in check. I keep a log of my feelings...it helps as well. I think about my husband all the time. At times I am angry because it seems that the whole family has fallen apart without him. I feel helpless and afraid to say anything in fear that the relationship I have with my children will drift further apart. So I say nothing and then I say the serenity prayer.:-) I wish I could see what things would be like in 5 years from now. I hope and pray that things settle down. Another saying that I reflect on is "You can not live life through the rear view mirror".

Anonymous said...

My Husband died suddenly, we were married 35 years, it is killing me, I want so badly to be with him, I can't stop crying, the sadness, is overwhelming......I don't know what to do!, I hate this, I miss him so much!
I am so alone!

Anonymous said...

My husband died too. He died 2 months ago. We were Dan and Debie. Now I'm just plain old Debie.
We're 4 instead of 5.

Anonymous said...

My husband died Nov. 13th, 2009. Over a year has passed and it is not any easier. Some days I can cope, others are torture. No rhyme or reason. I don't apologize for how I feel. No one can fully understand because everyone's situation is different. We were only married 6 years. I'm a widow now at 49...he was only 62. There are no answers. You will go through periods of doubt, what if?, and so many more emotions. Skip the medications anyone tries to push on you. They mask the pain and it comes back. After a few months, I got another dog. She keeps me going. Now I don't fear death because I will be reunited with the love of my life. You have to believe.

Anonymous said...

My husband died on the 20th November.... I lost the love of my life and I don't really know how to cope... I am 42 and he was 65 and we had plans and dreams. He had a prostate cancer, but he was fighting and I kept praying for him to recover and I believed that God will hear my prayers. Never happened. Does He ever hear our prayers? Does He exist? I am not sure.... We were together for 10 years and if miracle happens than he was my miracle. I miss him so much. I don't know what to do with my life.

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel...the days pass and time does not heal such a deep wound that is reopened every waking moment. I posted the 12/11 comment and you are in a similar place. Married an older man- he always joked about it and now it is not so funny. i used to lie in bed at night and cry because i thought we would "only" have 20 more years to be together. Little did i know...go day to day and somedays you will wonder why. do what you feel like doing because you don't have to explain to anyone how you feel. last year thanksgiving and christmas were a blur. i don't even remeber them. nothing makes it better. i hope you have someone who you can talk to that understands.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your comment and support, thank you for understanding what and how I feel...I only want for this Christmas and the New Year to disappear. I want to close my eyes and wake up not feeling this endless pain.

Anonymous said...

I feel as the rest of you do. My husband has been gone nearly 5 months. We were together almost 17 years since I was 19. I can barely get up in the morning, I don't want to go anywhere or be with anyone. I wonder if someday we will be reunited. I look for scripture to help me through but then I get angry at what I find. If we aren't reunited as husband and wife in heaven then what in the heck is it all for here. I wonder if I will ever feel happiness again. We have one child at home and the rest of his children are grown. Even the recent birth of a grandchild didn't bring me the the joy that it should have. I honestly fake caring about anything. I want to set a better example for my daughter but sometimes I get angry at her for just going on like it is nothing. I am 36 and I wonder every day "how much longer?" How much longer do I have to live without him? My husband allegedly committed suicide though I have my doubts and feel in my heart that it was an accident. Either way I blame myself. I wish I would have been a better wife and friend and I can't let go of the what if's. I pray every day but have yet to feel the power. I get tired of people who have no idea what I am going through telling me how to feel or giving me timelines and on and on. I can't bring myself to let his things go and everything is still the same as he left them. I am glad to holidays are over. They will never be the same. I wish this heartache would go away.

Anonymous said...

MY HUSBAND DIED SEPT. 7 OF 2010. IT'S STILL KILLING ME. I CRY ABOUT 30 OR MORE TIMES DURING THE DAY AND MOST NIGHTS ALL NIGHT LONG. I DONT SLEEP MUCH. I HATE BEING AWAKE AND I HATE BEING ASLEEP. I BEG FOR HIM TO COME BACK. HE WOULD ALWAYS COME TO ME WHENEVER I NEEDED HIM. EVEN IF WE WERE FUSSING AND HE WOULD GO TO HIS MOM'S FOR A FEW NIGHTS, IF I WANTED HIM TO COME HOME AT ANY TIME DURING THAT, HE WOULD RUN BACK...NO MATTER WHAT. NO MATTER WHAT HE WAS EVER DOING...WORKING, ETC. IF I CALLED AND TOLD HIM I NEEDED HIM, HE WOULD DROP IT ALL AND COME TO ME. I CANT UNDERSTAND NOW OR ACCEPT THAT HE WONT ANSWER ME AND HE HASNT COME TO ME. I CRY AND BEG AND SCREAM TO HIM THAT I NEED HIM. I EXPECT HIM TO SHOW UP BUT THERE'S NOTHING. DOES HE NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE? DOES HE NOT CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE? I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS. MY LITTLE BOY AND I FOUND HIM IN BED THE MORNING IT HAPPENED WHEN HIS JOB CALLED TO SEE WHY HE WAS LATE. IT WAS TOO LATE WHEN WE FOUND HIM. MY LITTLE 11 YEAR OLD TRIED TO GIVE HIM MOUTH TO MOUTH AS I PUMPED HIS CHEST. MY LIFE ENDED THAT MOMENT. I TRY FAKING STUFF FOR MY SON TOO BUT HOW LONG CAN THAT GO ON? I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO EXPLODE. I TRIED TO SLIT MY WRIST (UNFORTUNATELY I DIDNT DO IT DEEP ENOUGH BEFORE MY FAMILY GOT THE KNIFE AWAY FROM ME) I WANTED TO DIE. I STILL DO. NOTHING MAKES ME HAPPY. NOTHING EXCITES ME. IM LIVING IN A DARK HOLE. ITS HORRIBLE. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS! I WANT HIM BACK! I WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE OR WANT ANYONE ELSE SO I WILL BE ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I'M 43. HE WAS 38. NEVER SICK, NO HEALTH PROBLEMS, NOTHING. HE AND MY SON HAD GONE TO MY IN-LAWS FOR A HOLIDAY COOKOUT THE PREVIOUS NIGHT (MEMORIAL DAY, I THINK) AND I MADE THEM GET HOME BEFORE DARK SO I KNEW THEY WERE SAFE. HE MADE SURE THEY GOT HOME EARLY. THEN HE WENT TO BED AND NEVER WOKE UP AGAIN. I THOUGHT EVERYONE WAS HOME AND SAFE. I WAS AT PEACE AND THEN HE UST DISAPPEARED DURING THE NIGHT. I FEEL LIKE GOD PLAYED AN EVIL TRICK ON ME. HE JUST STOLE HIM! I FELL ASLEEP ON THE SOFA AND GOD JUST SNUCK INTO OUR BEDROOM AND STOLE HIM. I CANT GO TO CHURCH ANYMORE, I CANT PRAY ANYMORE. I'M SO MAD AT GOD, I'LL NEVER GET OVER IT OR FORGIVE HIM. I WAS FORCED TO GO TO CHURCH LAST SUNDAY. IT HAPPENED TO BE COMMUNION SUNDAY AND I REFUSED TO PARTICIPATE. I DIDNT WANT TO BE A HYPOCRIT. I WANT TO SAY I HATE GOD BUT I CANT. IT SOUNDS SO EVIL. SO I JUST STAY LOST WHERE I AM IN THIS NOTHINGNESS. I HAVE CURSED HIM. I'VE TURNED MY BACK ON HIM. WHAT IS LIFE NOW? THERE'S NOTHING. PEOPLE SAY THAT I BETTER WATCH WHAT I SAY OR THINK LIKE GOD WILL TAKE SOMEONE ELSE I LOVE. WHAT KIND OF GOD KILLS YOUR FAMILY TO PUNISH YOU? WHAT KIND OF WORLD OR ETERNITY OR ANYTHING ELSE IS THIS?...

Anonymous said...

I JUST WROTE BUT MY POST WAS TOO LONG. HERE IS THE REST.... THE DAY MY HUSBAND DIED, AS THE CORONER WAS ROLLING HIM OUT TO THE HEARST, I WAS HIDING IN OUR WASH ROOM (ITS AN APT. COMPLEX) BECAUSE I COULDNT WATCH THAT NO MATTER WHAT. I HAD MY EYES COVERED W/ MY FACE AGAINST THE WALL, SCREAMING AND CRYING TO MY HUSBAND TO PLEASE TALK TO ME AND LET ME KNOW HE'S OK. THE STRANGEST THING IN THE WORLD HAPPENED. (WE LIKED GHOST HUNTING AND STUFF AND SO WE BELIEVED IN ALL THAT). ANYWAY, MY MOM AND BROTHER RAN INTO THE WASH ROOM HOLDING UP MY HUSBAND'S CELL PHONE. IT WAS RINGING AND RINGING. THE CALLER I.D. ON IT SAID "TAYLOR'S I-PHONE CALLING"!....TAYLOR IS MY SON. IT WAS HIS I-PHONE. I HAD BEEN USING IT TO TAKE PICS FOR EBAY FOR MONTHS BUT I HAD LOST IT ABOUT 3 WEEKS PRIOR TO THIS. THIS WAS A SUPER HUGE THING BETWEEN ME AND MY HUSBAND...I'M TALKING SUPER HUGE. I HAD SEARCHED FOR IT EVERYDAY, HE HAD HELPED ME FOR A FEW DAYS RIGHT BEFORE HE DIED. I TALKED ABOUT IT AND WORRIED ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. I WAS GOING TO LOSE MY EBAY ACCOUNT WITHOUT IT. ANOTHER IMPORTANT FACT IS THAT I ONLY USED IT FOR PICTURES....IT HAD NO PHONE SERVICE AT ALL. IT HADN'T HAD ANY FOR ABOUT 8 OR 9 MONTHS. THE FIRST BILL HAD BEEN TOO HIGH SO WE LET THE SERVICE GO SO I JUST USED IT FOR PICS. I WISH I COULD TELL U WHAT A BIG DEAL LOSING IT HAD BEEN IN OUR HOUSEHOLD. ANYWAY, BACK TO THE PHONE CALL....IT WAS RINGING LIKE CRAZY. WHEN I SAW WHAT THE CALLER I.D. SAID, I WENT NUTS. SCREAMING AND STUFF, "HE'S ALIVE". (SEE, IT WAS MY SON'S DISCONNECTED LOST I-PHONE CALLING MY HUSBAND'S CELL PHONE WHICH I USED WITH HIM TO MAKE AND RECEIVE CALLS) I ANSWERED IT AND NO ONE WAS THERE. IT WAS JUST A BUNCH OF STATIC. I HUNG UP AND IT CALLED BACK. WHEN I ANSWERED IT WAS THE SAME THING AGAIN. (THE POLICE PROBABLY THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY CAUSE I RAN OUT OF THE WASH ROOM HOLDING THE PHONE UP IN THE AIR WITH THE CALLER I.D. STILL SAYING "TAYLOR'S I-PHONE CALLING" AND PRACTICALLY ATTACKED ONE OF THEM. I WAS SCREAMING, LAUGHING, CRYING ALL AT THE SAME TIME, SAYING "HE'S ALIVE! HE'S ALIVE!"....THE COP I GRABBED GOT ALL EXCITED SHOUTING, "OK OK WHERE IS HE?" WHEN I TOLD HIM WHAT WAS GOING ON, HE MUST HAVE THOUGHT I HAD LOST IT. ANYWAY, THE CALLS KEPT COMING PERIODICALLY UP UNTIL ABOUT 8:00 THAT EVENING WITH THE SAME RESULT WHENEVER ANYONE WOULD ANSWER THEM. I WAS SURE THIS WAS MY HUSBAND TRYING TO TELL ME THAT HE WAS OK. I THINK I STILL BELIEVE THAT. LATER ON, MY SISTER INVESTIGATED TO SEE IF ANYONE HAD RECEIVED OUR OLD PHONE NUMBER TO THAT I-PHONE FROM THE PHONE CO. SINCE WE HAD LET IT GO. MAYBE FOR SOME EXPLANATION. IT TURNS OUT THAT A REALLY OLD LADY HAD GOTTEN ASSIGNED THAT OLD NUMBER BUT SHE LIVED ALONE AND SAID SHE HAD BEEN SO SO SICK LATELY (extremely sick on the day my husband died) AND HAD NEVER EVEN USED HER PHONE. NO ONE ELSE EVER TOUCHED IT OR USED IT EITHER. NOT EVEN SINCE SHE GOT HER PHONE. SO, THERE'S REALLY NO OTHER EXPLANATION BUT THAT MAYBE IT WAS "RICK" (WRITING HIS NAME EVEN MAKES ME CRY NOW) TRYING TO LET ME KNOW HE WASN'T REALLY DEAD....HIS SPIRIT OR SOUL ANYWAY. I HOPE THAT'S TRUE. IT MAKES ME HAPPY THAT HE WENT THRU SO MUCH TROUBLE JUST TO TRY AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I MEAN, THAT MUST BE A HARD THING TO DO. HOWEVER, IT ALSO HURTS ME SOOOOO BAD TO THINK HE WENT THRU ALL OF THAT FOR ME AND I'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN. I CAN NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN. I CANT TALK TO HIM. WHY CANT I HEAR HIM OR SEE HIM NOW? WHERE IS HE? I WANT TO DIE TOO. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. I NEED HELP. PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME. I SWEAR I'M GOING TO DIE WITHOUT HIM. PLEASE.

Maria said...

My husband just died 1/2/11. I had no idea how many women have been living in this hell and are sentenced for life like me. I'm 36 and we have a 10 mo old baby. He was skiing and somehow hit a tree; he's an expert skiier and his biggest concern after impact was if he'd be done for the season due to this injury. Then he kept saying I can't believe I did this & spoke of his love for me and our daughter. I can't believe it either--each moment that goes by I'm still in shock. We just bought a burbian house last year with the plans of the start of our family. The saddest thing is there is no comfort or hope left. We used to be really positive people and now I so don't care--except of course to take care of our daughter. Freakin sucks

Anonymous said...

I lost my husband Sep 5th 2010..Labor day wknd. We had been together for 6 yrs and 7 months, but were married for only 5 months. We have a 1yr old son. He was the love of my life. I knew I would marry him the 1st time we ever kissed on our 1st date. He was my soulmate. I had never experienced a love like the love i have for him. The only reason I am still alive is because of our son, otherwise i would have killed myself. Life is meaningless without him. I cant imagine ever. Loving another man again. He was in a car accident. His best friend was the driver, and he made it but my husband didnt. I now have such hate for him. And as bad as it sounds I feel such anger towards God also. I cant understand why he would take him from us! He was such a good man, 31 yrs old, we have a new baby and a new marriage! We were just starting this new life. And his bestfriend was such a loser! My husband had saved lives, he was a retired marine and law enforcement agent. His friend could barely keep a job! Its so unfair. I miss him everyday. I cry at random times out of no where. And I wish it would have been me that died because im dead inside anyway. Or that i would die so i can be with him again. I miss him so much. I cant imagine living the rest of my life feeling this pain.

Anonymous said...

It is nearly five years since I lost my husband to cancer. We had been together for 46 years. He died exactly six weeks after he was diagnosed as terminally ill. Whilst we were all in shock (we have a large family), at least we all had time to say everything we wanted to say to each other.
It is so hard - because although he is within me and always will be, that is not enough. The unrelenting "aloneness", not having him to discuss things with, share joys and sorrows; the emptiness is engulfing.
People constantly remind me that I have a wonderful family - and I do, but they all have their own lives and families. The reality is that when the sun goes down I am here - alone. When I go to bed, I am alone. The weekends are almost torture, they stretch out endlessly. I find myself exaggerating my plans for the weekends so my family doesn't worry about me or feel obliged to include me in their precious family time.
I have not lost my faith in God, but there is an emptiness inside me, an inability to become excited about anything. Nearly five years ago I lost my "right side" and now I am only half a person. I hope that will change, but I doubt it. The best I can offer anyone in the same position is that there is an element of "getting used to it" but for me at least, there is no element of "getting over it".
To the outside world it would appear that I have "got on with my life" because that's what we are expected to do, but even though it is a full life in one sense, it is, for me, only half a life.
Today is my birthday. I was treated like a queen and surrounded with love and gifts and I still felt so utterly alone. It is a devastating feeling.

Anonymous said...

hi... i lost my husband suddenly on 12/8/10.. he was young and handsome and strong... i never imagined anything like this could happen... i have 4 kids... i fluctuate between unbareable, hearbreaking sadness, to anger at the unfairness of it all , anger at him for leaving me (silly i know!) back to tears and hoplessness....it has been very helpfull to read these posts and knowing the feelings are universal... i so so strongly feel all your pain... this is such a horriable club to be in.

Anonymous said...

I lost my husband Jan 23rd, 2011. The worst day of my life. He & I were together 34 yrs. He was only 56. He was my dearest best friend. Mutual friends were so envious of our relationship. We never fought, all those years. He worked evenings and slept until 10am every morning. I bounced into the bedroom and gave him a kiss on the cheek to let him know I had an errand to run and I'd be right back. He was gone. He was gone! Why would God take the best thing in my life???? I miss him so. Not sure how I'll make it, although I know I will, I have to. I don't even know why he died. I havent received a death certificate yet. I won't for maybe another month. I just want this nightmare to end. Please come home to me.

musiclover said...

Four years for me. Six months after he died my sister calls to rake me over the coals. "you're not trying hard enough!" will echo In my head forever. The sisters didn't care for him, thought he was too old for me. I don't know what the point of living is. He refurbished a beautiful vintage house that we never had the chance to live in. I have no will to go through belongings and move to that house. Who cares? I have a great house but no him, no home. I already had what people would give thier limbs for - real bona fide love. I know no one that had what we had. It doesn't even come along in a lifetime for most. I don't want to live. The loneliness is constant. I can keep busy but any idle moment brings me back to earth. I'm alone. He's gone. What's the point?

Anonymous said...

My husband of 33 years passed away on January 8, 2011. The days are long. The nights are longer. I don't know how a person's heart can ache so badly and not kill them. I've never known such intense pain was possible. I miss him terribly and love him so. I call on God for strength and understanding. Some days, it feels God doesn't hear my plea for mercy. My head hurts from crying. When does the pain begin to ease up? I need him to talk to , to hold my hand, to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything will be alright. I've learned there are worse things than death and I'm living it.

Anonymous said...

My husband of 8 years passed away september 12, 2010. I still can't believe that he is gone, we have 3 kids, 6, 3 and 5 months, our baby was born a day after he passed away, he was not able to hold his baby. It hurts so bad, the only reason I am still here is because of our kids, they have no one else but me. I love them with all my heart. But I feel so lonely, he was my everything, we talked about everything, we were best friends. I am so angry, because it is so unfair, He was so good, and helped anyone he was able to. It has been almost 6 months and the idea that we are not 5 is devastating, we had so many plans, He is the love of my life, and I don't know how to make the pain go away, I still grab my phone to call him, and expect to see him walking through the garage door.I miss him so much, and when I dream with him, I hate to wake up, I want him to come back, and it makes me so angry knowing that no matter how much I want it I cannot have him back, that there is nothing that I can do about it.

Anonymous said...

I just posted the last message, and I am a widow at 32, he was 41, he died a day before my birthday. I just think that we were so happy, we were good people, helped anyone we could, and how could all change like that, and now my three kids have to grow up without their daddy, and me alone, he was the love of my life. I don's know what else to think, and I feel so empty, but I still pray and ask God to help me.

Anonymous said...

My husband passed Dec 5, 2010. We were married almost 27 years. My children are both in college and I feel so alone. How do you get through each day, the emptiness is more that I can bear. I loved him more than life and I miss him so very much.

Anonymous said...

My husband just passed away March 6. I feel like I'm still daydreaming, praying to wake up and find him here with me. We were together 15 years, married only 6, but he was the most wonderful man in the world. I miss a lot and I cry and yell for him to come back! There will never be another like him and I miss him so very much. I'd give anything to have him back or be up there with him.

Anonymous said...

My husband Dave died May 23,2010 from glioblastoma multiforme brain tumor, I have been with him since I was 15, married him at 16, he died one month short of our 35 Anniversary..We have 4 wonderful children and six grandchildren, he died before he seen our grandson born that would carry on his name, the pain of missing him.. there are no words to find to describe it, he was truly my bestfriend soulmate, I can't make myself belive that I will never see him, hear is voice, feel his arms around me, I can't, I can't say goodbye, I died that day, and how my heart continues to beat, I will never know, he told me to survive through the children, so I try, if not for them I would be with him already, we were one, I'm searching for something I will never find. I will never understand why God takes such beautiful loving people, make them suffer as he suffered so much, but never complained, and leaves such horrible people to live long lives. People say I should be farther along, over it, how do you get over in 10 months the love of your life dying, that you've shared everything with for 36 years, I feel sorry for them, for they don't know what it is to give and be really loved. I miss him, and will forever and always.. there will never be anyone else, the love we shared, some people could live a thousand lives and never have. I wrote him this poem..
Dave
Every where I look I see a memory
reminding me of the way it use to be.
it gets better is what they say,
but I know it will hurt just as much tomorrow
as it does today.
my heart is so broken
it will never mend
it will never be whole
till were together again
I miss your smile, your beautiful face,
your everthings okay, loving embrace
I try to hold the memories,
but what I need, is you here with me.
a brain tumor and cancer took you away,
I ask God WHY, everyday

Anonymous said...

I lost my husband without much notice on Feb. 3, 2011. He was only 46. I can relate to everything that you all have written. I feel it too. I live for our 11 year old daughter. She's always been our gift from heaven. He loved "his girls" so much. I can't walk by his picture without looking at him and I cry every time I look at him. I talk to him like he's here. My heart aches for him. I have to carry on for our daughter and for him as he would want me to. I love you sweetheart and I always will.

Anonymous said...

Reading these comments, I can see that I'm not alone in the emptiness and sadness that I feel. I lost my husband on Feb. 21 from cancer. Everything I've read here is how I feel. I'm 51, and all I see ahead of me is a lonely, empty, pointless life with no joy. I do try to fake being "ok" for my kids and because I feel like people get tired of hearing how bad I feel. Will there ever be joy or happiness again? How can a person face the rest of their life feeling like this?

When I'm at work and hear the phone ring with an outside call, I always expect to look at the caller ID and see our home number and hear his voice on the line. Then I realize that will never happen again.

What's the point of my life? I need him and he's gone. I find myself wishing I could have gone with him. But then I feel scared that I feel that way. He didn't want to leave us, but the cancer took him anyway. I'm lost and not sure if I can keep going without him.

Jennifer M Karn said...

On March 27, 2011 the following comment was left on this post. I accidentally deleted it and could not retrieve it. Sorry.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "My Husband Died":

Today is the aniversary of my husband's death. I have been numb, near tears, in tears, and yes, ashamed of people I know. They know today is the anniversary, they have called, but they only talk about themselves, and what they need help with. Not one person has even asked how our little girl is doing, she was 9 when he died. She bursted out crying earlier, and there is nothing I can do but say I understand when she says she misses Daddy so much. She feels abandoned by all the 'adults' and family we know. I have listened to them today talking about their ex husbands, soon to be ex husbands. Not one of them asked me how she was doing. I had to get off the phone, and here I sit crying. The pain of loosing him is still ever present. But the ignorance and self centeredness of others hurts just as much. They are not only hurting me, they are hurting our little girl. Today is not a good day.

Anonymous said...

I am the author of the post above whose husband passed away this Feb. 3rd. We were married 21 1/2 years. I've been crying so much lately. It's been two months since Kev's passing. I can't help feeling like I am living in some horrifying nightmare and can't wake up. The thought of him dead freaks me out. Only sleep releaves me of the intense heartache I feel all day long...Does anyone else feel this way?

Anonymous said...

I lost my husband on August 5th, 2009 and I am still depressed. He was my soulmate and best friend. We had a relationship that everyone else wanted. I was lucky to have met and married him but life sucks without him. There is no one to talk to anymore The only people that understand are those that have gone through the same thing. This is the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. My family is not supportive which has devastated me. I have a sister in law who is great but lives in a different state. Most days I just sit home lay on the couch to try and feel close to him. There are times I feel him with me but it is not enough. I want to have a conversation with him and hug him. The stuff that I read about only being depressed for so long is bull. I wish there were more support groups that would meet weekly for those that are still hurting. Everything is difficult as you see and hear others talk about their husbands. See couples walk hand in hand all the while you walk alone. It continues to hurt

Anonymous said...

Hi again... I posted a message on the 18th December. Nothing is changing and it's not getting any easier for me. I am trying desperately to believe that souls exist, but, unfortunately I don't find any proof for that. If I believe in that then I know that my Bob's soul will help me and will guide me through the pain and will help me to get back on my feet. Do you believe in souls?

Jennifer M Karn said...

Hi again, I do not believe in souls. I do not believe in God, spirits, ghosts, etc. I just feel like death is it. When we die there's nothing after.

I hope that you and all the other widows/widowers find peace. I can say that life gets a little easier with time. I'm not happy, not content, not as bad as I was the first year...I just am. I can get up everyday and do what needs to be done while I'll still think of him a million times a day. My sadness keeps me from looking for love again, having fun, living life fully and and feeling peace. I hope we all overcome this.

Anonymous said...

I share you pain. I haven't been married and am past 50. I don't have many relatives. I am lonley at times. It's hard to meet a nice guy, etc.

I hope to marry someday and meet someone nice. I have a life, money, and looks, but it would nice to share my life experiences with someone. Is it better to have loved/lost than never to have married? I don't know but please move on and move forward. I wish you the best of luck. Sincerely.

Anonymous said...

it is 5 months today since my husband died. A brief illness of 2 months. We also have 4 children, 11,10,4 and 2.
Some days I am OK. I imagine him watching and ask him am i doing OK? Other times when I'm not, like snapping at the kids or having one too many wines I say, Yes, I know Im not doing so well, I could have done that better.
Sometimes I go to his wardrobe and wrap myself in his suits. I found my little girl doing the same the other day.
My 2 year old calls our Daddy daddy in shopping centres, and grabs unknown mens arms.
I miss him so much. If I try hard enough I can imagine his arms around me or my head on his shoulder.
Sometimes I go out to the gate and imagine his car pulling up ...
mostly though I am doing Ok, except for when I'm not...one doesn't cancel out the other...
grief is just a sign of how much we love...I expect it to continue...but I told him we would be OK. I would be OK...and I will.
Hugs to you all, you are right it is not a club I wanted to be in, but I certainly get the feeling we all know what the other is feeling...
there are many who don't.

Anonymous said...

I lost my husband Oct.17,2010 We were together for 45 years. I never knew the pain could be so intense. It's been 6 1/2 months. We have four children and 5 grandchildren. The house is so quiet sometimes I want to scream just for the noise. I hurt just as all of you do and if people say they know how I feel; no they don't only someone who has lost knows how you feel. I am angry, sad,tired and lost. I just want to know if he is OK. His death was so unexpected but I don't think that makes a difference, you hurt either way. Please all take care of yourself I can't say if or when we will feel better. Take one day at a time no I take that back take one hour at a time. Thank you for sharing your feelings it does help. Love to all.

Anonymous said...

I've been told it's delayed grief. My husband died November 13,2009. I was so used to being on the go with doctors, working when I could, just busy. I stayed "busy" for 6 months after his death..then I hit the wall. All I can do is cry, PUSH myself to do the basic things, if they get done OK, if not, OK. I know it will get better, at the moment I'm numb. We had 38 years of marriage 3 weeks before. He was my best friend, partner, goofball buddy since I was 13..he was only 58. I've had people in the family that can't figure why I'm still feeling this way. Their home is full of life, people, extended family..here..there's me, only me.

Anonymous said...

I thought I was the only one who had a clue what my life was like since my husband died. It has been 5 years this week and life is still very difficult. Thanks for all of your posts. In a strange way, it helps. Misery loves company, they say.

Anonymous said...

Hello Jennifer,

I been wondering what to write as words are sometimes not enough.I know some of the heart ache you're feeling as I'm currently going through it again.I'm sorry for your loss and the heart ache you and you're family are feeling.I hope in time it will become easier to accept and live with. Your husband appears to be a good man.
I thought for a time when my first wife killed herself that it was my fault but then I met Chewryle who saved me from myself. Friends for 20 years 3 of which as husband and wife.
She died May 12 2011 from Cancer. You know we thought we had it beat and when I rushed her into emergency I thought I would be picking her up the next day but it wasn't to be.
I miss her as you miss your husband.I'm so damn lost without seeing or hearing her. I'm hunted by the memories,the perfume and tears continue to swell up over simple thoughts of her.The days are just becoming a blurr without meaning or substance.
It was similar to when my first wife died.The sorrow I felt was intense and a lot of me died with her.
When I met Cheryle the healing process began in ernest now the healing needs to be repeated and frankly I don't know if I have the strength to do it again.
I get angry,feel cheated and scream. Sometimes in silence, sometimes out loud while driving.
My love, my sweet embrace gone.Life continues to throw challenges. Why and for what reason? I hate death,the guilt I feel, the regrets,the heart ache.

I'm sorry ... this comment I write was to say to you I understand to some extent what you are going through and to offer support for your fears and your tears.

Take care of yourself and I'm sorry for your loss.

Leonard - Vancouver Canada

Anonymous said...

i lost my husband on the 25th of may 2011 we have a daughter 11 and a son nearly 2 its so hard he wasnt sick he was fit and fun loving i got up early that morning with our son he woke at 2am my husband came down stairs with me and asked if i wanted him to stay up with him and i said no and told him to go back to bed when i woke at 7am to call our daughter for school i went in and found his lifeless body i wonder if i had let hi stay up with me would he still be alive or if i had went back to bed is there anything i could have done. its inly been 2 weeks but i am living in fear now im sfraid im goining to loose my babies nothing makes sense. i miss him so much we were together 9 years and would have been four years married this agust. does the fear go away

Anonymous said...

My husband died unexpectedly on July 18th, 2010. It has almost been a year since he drowned. I am in limbo. I feel paralized. I do what I must and spend the rest of my time at home, or rather my apartment, as I was forced to sell our home. He had no will. Probate has been hell. His family have been jerks. My family has been MIA, and so have my "friends". This has been a rude awakening. One I think we all could have done without. I feel mostly anger, towards God, towards family for failing to help me in my time of need and for friends who don't know what to do, so they do nothing. People don't even speak his name. I'm only 42, and he was only 46 when he died. It really chaps me that people rather act like he was a ex-boyfriend who I broke up with rather then my husband. No one asks how I am. I has filled me with hatred for my fellow man. I agree with all, it is unfair. This life IS unfair. Evil people live forever, and good people die young. I will life forever I supposed. I don't cry any more. I'm just mad. Mad at the whole damn world. I've always been a strong and independent woman and I'm disappointed in myself for not being about to recapture that. I'm not bouncing back. I don't even know ME any more. Who am I? My life was never based on his, and I never revolved around him. I had to take care of it all, so when he died, nothing changed. Still...some how...I lost me. Sudden death is different. Don't let anyone tell you it is not. IT IS. Just like losing someone slowly to cancer, IS different. Regardless of how we lost our husbands, I want to have a life again, I desire it, but yet it doesn't come. I feel no joy. No excitement. No will to do anything. No idea what I want to do. I question what is the point of doing anything at all? Why make plans? Why think of the future? I might die tomorrow too. For the first time in my life I feel my own mortality. And I don't like it. I don't like the me I've become thru my husband's passing. I'm a bitter person now. I use to love life. I loved it before him. I should be able to love it again, but yet, I can't remember what it was about it I loved so much. It's like a switch has been turned off in my brain. I guess for now, I'm living off anger instead of sorrow, and I can't see past this moment. Tomorrow comes...and I'm annoyed. Oh, I'm still here huh? What the heck do I do today? I don't want to be bothered by any one, I don't want people to makes requests of me, I just want to be left alone. In writing this I can see I'm confused. I want life back, but yet I want to be alone. See...what the hell am I doing. I don't even know any more. Thanks for reading this rant.

Anonymous said...

continued....from thanks for reading this rant. I have deep, deep sympothy for all the people in this world who has lost their spouse and their best friend. It is the worst thing to suffer thru. We all have to find our own way, and it is my sincerest hope that we all, eventually, fine that way back to life, back to love, and back to happiness. God Bless you all. Big Hugs from the angry crazy lady.

Anonymous said...

I lost my husband on 28 march 2011.It was a sudden death.He was a military officer and was martyred in a clash with the enemies.I was at home waiting for him and heard very bad noises as if some fight was going on.I called him up to ask if he was ok and he did not let me know that he and his men were entrapped by the enemy.He told me that everything was fine and that i pray that all would be ok.After that i kept waiting and waiting for him and he did not come back.
We were married for 15 years.I am 36 and he was 40.We do not have any children but were trying to have some.I feel that i am left all alone in this world.I ask God that if we were not blesses with kids,he should have left my husband for me.I am in a state as if i am having a nightmare.And when i will wake up,he will be there for me.I have started praying to God that I know he cannot come back but at least i can go to him.I pray that God do not give me a long life.I want to go to the love of my life as soon as possible.I have lost all my energy and i keep lying on my bed the whole day.My day starts with crying and ends with crying.

teacherspet said...

I can't tell you how many nights I have sat on this computer till 4/5 am just reading. Hoping to find something to make me feel better about the loss of my husband. When I read your words I felt like FINIALLY someone knows how I feel. If one more person tells me they do, I will scream. I just turned 40 and a week before my daughter turned 4. My husband passed away a year ago. How you explained getting it out of the way, and the way people percieve you with children, is the same way I feel. No one treats me the same. I have not changed, they have. In my mind I am married still, in theirs (I'm guessing)I am a single woman, and now available. I did not ask for any of this to happen. I wish I had my life back. For some reason it is so interesting to everyone what I do and who I do it with. I stay home with my daughter every weekend. I have basically just disappeared so that people stay out of my business. I don't want to be judged for moving on (not meaning with another man). I don't understand what people want me to do. This makes me so angry. If Kelly were here I wouldn't have to deal with this, things were so much easier. Don't people understand that I miss him everyday, but I am here, living, and I have to live. The very ones that said they would be here for me are gone, gone to their norm. And I'm here alone when my daughter goes to bed and when she stays with family, still alone. I feel so alone. This is not living, only existing. I have to keep telling myself God has a plan for me and one day all of this will make sense and he must be preparing me for the future. That's how I get through....Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for your loss and your childrens'. I know that sharing our feelings with other people is theraputic in a way others would never understand. Writing my feelings like this helps some. I wish you the best, and hopefully you can find comfort in the words from these other people the night you felt like writing your feelings down. God Bless, MD (Texas)

Anonymous said...

You tell people because he is important enough to you for them to know about. I do the same. My husband died in 2007. I still want to tell everyone about him. Because he was such an important part of my life, because he was wonderful and everyone who I meet after his death was cheated to not know him. So they know him through me.
Thank you for writing this. Now, I know the piece to your life who is missing.

Anonymous said...

i have posted before, back in april. it is now 7 months since my husband died. i checked back in to see how everyone was going. some nights i trawl the internet looking for sites that somehow make me feel connected to him, like this one i guess. It's a bit like going out to the cemetery, i feel like i am going to see him as i drive out and when i get there i feel disappointed ...odd.
i have finally composed the words to put on his plaque on his grave..that felt like a completion of sorts.
last night though, something felt different.instead of all my energy being in my head (which had felt like a can of worms) i felt different, i felt my focus was in my centre. a strange shift..i realised i felt more like me again.only 2 days ago i was feeling i would never feel like me again..but now i do. a different me but me all the same . my thoughts are with you all.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss. Thank-you for the blog. My husband passed away 13.5 months ago. I am far from OK. It often feels worse as time goes by...

Anonymous said...

I too lost my husband in May 2009, suddenly. He dropped me off for a Dr. appt. and I was to call when I needed to be picked up. He went to work and collapsed there and died in the ambulance. He was 57 and we were married 34 years. I still cannot believe he is gone. The hardest thing I have ever done was to have to call our 30-year old son in D.C. and tell him. We were supposed to go there that week to celebrate my 55 birthday. My sister also thought I was not getting on with things quick enough and friends stopped calling. I feel stuck and do not know how to start over. It is a couples world. I never thought I would be trying to build a new life at this age. My heart goes out to all of you.

Anonymous said...

My husband died April 2010. Thank you for sharing your pain. It's like belonging to an awful secret club. I had no idea so many people were suffering so deeply all around me. Suddenly I have a deep connection with a perfect stranger who reaches out, touches my hand, looks me in the eye and says "I know. I've been a widow for 10 years (or 15 or 20) It doesn't get better, you just learn to live with it." I also learned how precious it is to be able to share that you want to die and its validated; what it feels like to be mentally ill for the first time in my life; the meaning and almost physical relief that a few kind genuine words can give. I can't afford to have people in my life who are cruel, accidentally or deliberately. I'm more aware than ever of the importance of positive or negative energy to people as vulnerable as this. And the ugliness of unkind people - the greed of lawyers and some family members.
I miss him so much. The term "one flesh" is real. He knew my body better than I know it myself, and I knew his. How can he with his love, personality, intelligence, naughtiness, goodness, just disappear? Is anyone else wanting more proof that there is life after death?

Anonymous said...

My beloved husband died March 7, 2011. I am so sad and lonely, he was my best friend. There is such a void in my life and my daughters. I truely know that we were "one flesh" - my skin feels raw at times. What now, we had hops and dreams for the future. We lived on love really. I guess from here I'll make a life for myself and daughter. My husband was only 53 and I am 44.

Anonymous said...

I had been off work since my husband died 7 months ago, trying to recreate life for my girls and I and simply trying to function. LTD put me back to work only to watch me fail, humiliate myself in front of my colleagues. I feel like I am being punished for having feelings, for being so sad I can barely function. Now I am being sent by the insurance company to a psychiatrist who is going to help me becoming "a functioning contributing person to society". I guess helping our girls get through this year and coming out ok is not being a functioning contributing person in society because I am not in a job. I guess I would have been more contributing if I had of left them fall and see them trying to commit suicide and become wards of state. This doesn't make sense does it? By helping them thru this has left me as nothing, not able to get to tomorrow I think.

Our oldest daughter graduated from highschool last week and all I can do is cry. I fake being happy about the occassion but in reality it makes me so sad because my partner of 30 years, her father was supposed to be here to share in this joyous occassion and tell everyone that's his daughter....it is so unfair to have people who have their spouse sitting by their side that it is time to move on. That's so easy for them to say isn't it ... what if they were in our spot ... would they be moving on? Life is so unfair...why it is me and our girls rather someone else.

Thank you for the opportunity to validate my feelings by reading about yours and to be able to rant...thank you.

Jennifer M Karn said...

Read yesterday's post. It was in response to some pretty crappy and insensitive stuff a 'family member' said to me. I'm trying to keep in mind she doesn't get it. But, it doesn't make her words less painful. I hope you and all people battling pain in their lives feel peace again soon.

Xoxo

Anonymous said...

my husband died on JUL-02-2011
I am 38 years old and was left with two kids (2-7 years olds)
I have pain in my heart i saw him died and Drs couldnt do anything to save him I spent 20 days in the hospital with him and 4 days in hospice care. I miss him so much he was such a great man. We were together for 13 years. My son is scare of everything right now the house , the wind.. etc I just hug him and feel his pain because is my pain. :( today I got his ashes back from the mortuary..I put them inside a wooden box and placed the on top of the entertainment unit I don't know what to do with them yet. i miss him so much..i have so much to teach my little ones about his father and remind them of what a wonderful person he was.. that is my job in life now ....

Bob said...

I came across this blog for probably the same reason as everyone else who has posted here. Except for me, it is my mother and dad. First, dad got cancer and had to "leave" five months later. Then my beloved mother got cancer out of nowhere and "left" 5 weeks later.

I understand very well the things that people have written here. Yes, I also have a disdain for people in general who couldn't care less about what has happened. Yes, my own family has nothing to do with me because I'm too sad. Yes, so many people really can be utterly stupid and say the most destructive things, to the point that they almost kill me. Yes, ignorant people "move on" as if nothing has happened, and then they will judge you as if there is something wrong with you because you are not able to "move on" (which translates to 'forget about him/her').

Yes, I am so lost it is beyond words. I have never known such utter hopelessness...barely able to exist.

However, one thing has changed for me...I was certain there was no life beyond life and that when someone "left" that was it. WRONG! There IS life beyond life, and it's a fact, not a belief.

As a one-time scoffer and atheist, I can say this to all of you in the middle of my own suffering: Don't you ever let anyone like me (former atheist) take away the FACT of life beyond life, from you.

No offense, I'm just trying to make a point in a strong way...anyone who does not want to accept the reality of life after life is entitled to that opinion, but they are going to be in for an enormous surprise.

I now believe that many people's concept of "God" is so small that it dissolves away when something like this happens and they can't believe in their own prior concept of "God" anymore and become atheists. I also believe that the concept of "God" that has been pushed on us is so small and devoid of intellectual understanding that many people simply can't persuade themselves to believe something that they see as so so ridiculous. Last, there are so many, many, MANY people who simply don't bother to research and experiment to find out for themselves...they simply assume that something that they have been exposed to, is correct...namely, Darwinism, and/or fundamentalist science.

My suffering is because of what happened. But, after 51 months, I have found out the hard way that there is indeed life beyond life, and anyone else can find out for themselves if they truly want to.

And, I'm willing to provide some of the ways to find out for sure, for yourself, if anyone felt interested. Do not lose hope...life beyond life is a fact...I now admit it. And, I'm not saying this because of any kind of faith system, religious system or belief, I'm saying it because of stone cold evidence and facts. So many people are notorious for not researching for themselves, but only buy into what someone else claims to be "truth". I was one of those people and it was difficult to accept that I was wrong, and had been poorly informed.

If anyone thinks they would like to be pointed to resources where they can find out for themselves and be sure, you can post a response to me on this blog. I will check back, and I'm willing to provide an email address for you to contact me at. And, my reason for doing this is simple: Sadness without the fact of life beyond life is endless; when life beyond life is researched and understood the sadness is transformed into hope; the pain remains, but in a different way.

Love to you all, Bob

artistway said...

Your post really touched me. I lost my wife recently we were together 20years ago. Like I'm sure your husband did, she suffered and she fought hard against the inevitable.

Everyone experiences loss and grief but there is nothing to compare to the death of a spouse. You lose your partner, your best friend, your lifetime companion. You dreams and hopes go down in flames, and the loneliness ... beyond description.

I don't know how my experience in losing a spouse translates to what you are going through, but I do know there are mornings when I don't care if the sun ever comes up again. People told me what my wife would want for me, and that infuriated me. I took a "how dare they even assume what she would have wanted" attitude, and they were only trying to help.

I find that grief ebbs and flows. I couldn't cry at first and then a few days later I found myself sobbing in the shower, beating my hands against the walls. I found no comfort in groups and anyone who gave me advice (which is what I am attempting to do) upset me more than I was already upset. When I went places where we had been together (as simple as the garden shop or grocery store) I was devastated that we weren't going to that place together; when I went somewhere "new" I grieved because she wasn't here to share that place.

But as I discovered when my first wife died ( this is my second loss) that slowly, very slowly, the heart heals. Many months after her death a friend told a story about a funny incident and my first wife's reaction and I remember I laughed for the first time - and then felt terrible that I could laugh and she was gone. But slowly, slowly, things came back into perspective. It almost never ends - my life had moved on from my first wife's death.

I been having a really bad day this week, a terrible day.I hope it passes and I can begin the healing process once more.

I'm finding that the death of a someone you love brings back every loss you've ever experienced, magnified about 10 times.

I know you don't believe it or understand it (and right now I don't either )but I know from my first experience it does get better. You never forget it. You just (sort of) heal and re-adapt. I like to think that there's some master plan we all must walk. My wife was part of my master plan from X to Y and now it's my turn to go on alone.

Do you get any comfort knowing he's out of his pain? Some people do, some people don't. I had to sign the order to remove my wife from life support and that decision continues to haunt me even though I realize she's not in pain now.


I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had magic words for you.

I did heal the first time, I can tell you that. It can happen if you let the grief out and open your heart to the next step in your life.
There's a fine line balnce between hope and despair.

I do wish you and your family peace.

Len

Anonymous said...

Oh how I see me in all of your posts. I wish we could all sit together in a room and share our pain without worrying about people giving us their weird looks. My husband died on New Year's Eve of this year. The holidays are gone for me now...Christmas always being my favorite. He was given a clean bill of health on Thursday after an angiogram and on Friday he just died. All the things I wished I had said to him. All the kisses I wished I had given him that day as we were waiting for the ball to drop and me to make more snacks. I get up every morning like a robot and go to work. Thank God I have a place to go, but I feel empty and useless. I am hoping that no one else feels that way about me at work. I rush home to no one...just to be home and feel that I am closer to him when I am in his chair, sitting on his side of the bed that he died on, feeling the pain and being able to finally cry after an entire day of holding it in.

I will never feel joy again, or life, or be able to sit outside and enjoy all the beautiful flowers that came up, and the beautiful weather and EVERYTHING! because there is no one to share them with. I will never share anything with him again, so therefore I hate eating because I am alone, I cannot go anywhere without thinking about him, I cannot go a moment without thinking about him. Am I insane? Many times I think I am. I pray each night that I won't wake up, and get angry each morning when I do. I feel for him before I open my eyes, thinking that maybe..just maybe, God listened to my prayers and had mercy on me and turned back time to New Year's Eve and let him live and let us live, and let us be together a little longer. I married late..45..but it was worth the wait to have to love that we have. God only gave me a short time with him. I am told everyone's death is predetermined, and I have read that possibly we ourselves made all the arrangements. Is this possible? Did I agree to love someone so much that my insides constantly feel like they are pouring out of me knowing that I would lose them after almost 13 years of marriage??? To be alone, and hopeless, and pretending to be happy when my heart is broken, pretending to be a real person, when I feel merely like a shell?

My husband was my angel and my faith waivers everyday. Why would God take him away from me when everyone knew we loved each other so much...so much more than most of the couples that I know. I feel so much for all of you. I am crying right now after reading your comments. Please please someone give me some hope that I truly will be with him again, and hopefully soon.

Anonymous said...

Bob,
I'd like to take you up on your offer of a link to "resources" that give "evidence" of continuing life. I know that there are too many odd things out there to totally discount it (people remembering previous lives that have been validated; premonitions of our own or others deaths, being "visited" by people after and even before knowing they have died and being given information that turned out to be correct). I have journaled a lot of weird things that have happened to me in relation to my husband's death (smells, dreams, feeling his energy, "coincidences"). But can they be trusted?
We humans tend to look for and find meaning in everything. My logical mind needs to know what I can trust and its not just wishful thinking. If I knew that one day I'd see him again, I'd be okay - even if I had to wait decades.

Anonymous said...

It has been nine months today I lost my husband of 45 years. The days are just going by, I want time to stop. My brothers and sisters don't call as often they don't think I should talk about him as much as I do. Friends have there own life. I want to talk about him all of the time. My children are busy with their beautiful families which they should it is their time of life. It is getting so much harder as time goes by. I go through my days by doing what I have to. I get mad at couples walking hand and hand at the mall, that should be me. Talking to each other over important or small things that should be me. I'm tired I don't sleep well, I have grief burst where I cry until I can't breathe. My heart and soul goes out to each and everyone of you who have lost your loveone. I am being selfish I know I had him for 45 years but to me that wasn't long enough. I enjoy all of your post thank you for sharing your thoughts, it does help to know I am not alone with how I feel.

Anonymous said...

I lost my father in January 2011, he was 88 years old. Little did I know the next funeral I attended would be that of my husband of 41 years. My husband died March 21, 2011 about 3 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. I was just accepting that my father was gone but never expected my husband would leave so soon after. Tom was my best friend and I feel totally lost without him. I can't delete his cell and work numbers, I look at his pictures numerous times a day and I cry a lot. I cry so hard I cant breathe and my heart pounds. I feel so isolated and alone. We had so many plans when we retired and he was getting close, he was 63. The 41 years we had together seems to have passed by so quickly but these 4 months have been so long and painful. I came across this web site and know now that I am not the only one to feel these emotions and that has helped. God bless you all.

Anonymous said...

My husband passed away unexpectedly in March of 2011. I get what each of you are saying...the hurt is almost unbearable at times. No one seems to understand. I too think of him multiple times a day every day. I don't think I will ever be truly happy again. This was my 2nd marriage (the first ended in divorce) but even though we only were together a few short years, he was the love of my life.

kiki edlin said...

I lost my beautiful and tender husband on Feb. 9, 2011 to a brave and brief battle with leukemia. I am broken and feel like I am in physical pain every minute. He was my everything, and I was blessed with over 25 years married, but that is no consolation. I wanted longer. I want longer. I still want him to come home. No one understands and wants me to do this or do that to move on. I will never move on. He was my once in a lifetime. We built our dream home 5 years ago and it breaks my heart that he only got to be here 5 years. Man builds wife dream home, then dies. He was 60 and I am 56. I never wanted to get married until I met him and we were married 8 months later. love at first sight. I feel I am being punished for having so great a husband....I torment myself over not worshiping the ground he walked on every single day. He was handsome and romantic. I get tired of people telling me I will marry again. I won't. I want to honor him and I could never love again after being married to the best man ever. We are all in the same boat and I hurt for all of you as I hurt for myself. He was my dream husband, through thick and thin...and now my life is a nightmare. I like some of you want to go to sleep and not wake up..that would be so comforting. He loved animals and we have four girl indoor kitties and one feral outside we take care of. He would not forgive me if I did not take care of our babies. But it is hard. Every single minute is hard. I have tried to read so many books...some are good, most are not. The best one is A Widow's Story by Joyce Carol Oates. She loved her husband and there is something so poetic about her writing. A friend told her " Suffer Joyce, he was worth it"......that I related to. I can't give you any advice about God or spirituality. All of that is so easy to believe until you have to apply it to your own life. I always believed but not now. When you see someone take their last breath....it seems completely over. I ask him over and over, where are you? I have no signs, no comfort.
It continues as I know it will and I feel like I have been given a prison sentence to life without him,...no escape, no escape.

Debbie said...

Tomorrow will be a year since I lost my husband of 35 years. We had been together since I was 15 years old. Tom is my first and only true love I'll ever know. He had suffered a massive heart attack on Feb. 18, 2008 at the age of 53 while we were driving home from our last normal day together. He somehow survive it, but only to suffer for 2 1/2 years until he died in my arms on August 7, 2010. I prayed to GOD for the chance to change places with him, cause the thought of living without him was unbearable. But here I am a year later sharing my story. I would have given anything to take away his pain. I can't imagine what it would have been like losing him suddenly on Feb 18, 2008, but I can tell you that it was horrible to watch this gorgeous and strong man wither away day by day from heart and liver failure. Our lives turned upside down from that day on. We were turned down 5 or 6 times for the opportunity at a second chance at life with a heart transplant. Too risky the doctors would always conclude. We didn't ever give up our hope that we would find a doctor willing to take that risk with us. I miss him more than the will to breath. I find no purpose in life anymore and don't really care to either. People say to me you're such a strong woman and I think to myself...only I know what strength it takes to get out of bed in the morning. Again no purpose just functioning! I have been to many "widow" groups and I have continued with counseling because of depression. I know this has all helped me in more ways than I would admit, but I no longer feel any sort of excitement or joy as I did when my husband was alive. All I know is how to be part of him. I'm lost in a world that I no longer fit into. " Till death do us part" was a vow I never thought would become my reality. However, I'm thankful for the gift of being his wife and the mother of his child. We had a beautiful relationship. The love we shared was so precious and TRUE...so deeply ingrained that we became one flesh. My grief and loneliness is the price I'll pay for being in love with a wonderful man. So far it has been one year of hell, but I know it won't be like this forever because only time keeps us apart. I love and miss you........Forver and Always
Petunya

Anonymous said...

So, I lost my amazing husband of 10 years less than a week ago. Young, intelligent, vibrant. So full of life. Gave me soooo many laughs and great times. He ended up with lung cancer. We thought he had a cold. Not so lucky. Stage 4 lung cancer. 4 months from the day we were diagnosed to the day he died. I have never, ever felt so empy in my whole life. Just keep wondering what I am going to do with my life. We always said we would start to live for ourselves as soon as our daughter graduated. Well , that was this year too. All of our children, grown, and starting their own lives. I am completely alone. So many things are up in the air. I am most likely moving home. My family lives down state. We are losing our home too because of all of this. What to do? What to do? All I can say for sure is he was the most thoughtful, loving husband. ALWAYS, made me feel loved, and beautiful. I truely can't wait to see him again, and know only time is what is keeping us apart. I love you so much..I will see you again. Cant wait my love. Your wife for life..TMV

Anonymous said...

It has been 10 months now. It is not getting easier as everyone who hasn't lost someone said it would. I miss him so every day. I can't get use to the loneliness, even in a crowd I'm lonely. I just don't know what to do or which way to turn. I don't have faith as so many do maybe if I did it would help but I just don't. How can someone have lung cancer (never smoked) and not know it, twenty-one days from diagnosis to burial. HOW!! Whoever is out there thank you for listening, I know I'm not alone with all of you. Thank you

Anonymous said...

my husband died monday morning, may 2, 2011. i can't bear the thought of living. i want to die. i dont care about anything for myself anymore, i have no vision of tomorrow or any kind of a future. the only thing i want for myself is to die. life was hard before, but at least my soul mate was there too. now he is gone and never coming back and i want to leave and never come back. i wish i would just die from this broken heart, im tired. i miss him so much, like crazy.

Anonymous said...

It has now been 5 months since my husband died and being a widow sucks !!! We had a little over 41 years together but that isn't near enough time. I am lonely, our children are grown and have their own lives. Our friends that are couples treat me different then when I was 1/2 of a couple. My husband was a wonderful man, husband, father and grandfather... and my best friend. I still have moments when I pick up the phone to call and ask how his day is going. I sometimes feel the comfort of his spirit with me. I will feel an overwhelming sense of love and peace come over me and I know he is with me. It is a wonderful feeling but I want more. I want to feel his arms around me, I want to hold him tight and feel his kisses again and hear his voice. I miss him with all my heart....WFL (wife for life)

Anonymous said...

Thank you to everyone for the most authentic, honest accounting of widowhood I've seen yet.

My beloved husband of 15 years (together for 17) passed away suddenly Dec 31, 2010. He was 55 and I am about to turn 52 without him. The daily praying for a swift death so I can be with him hasn't worked but not taking optimal care of myself sure has shown up. No kids so noone here and family (both mine and his) have been well, not very supportive other than urging me to anti-depressants which I have no desire to get addicted to those (everyone I know who started out on 'em is still on 'em years later)

It's also been proven that they prevent true restorative sleep etc. which I need.

I am writing to share what's been working for me. First: I have rededicated myself to the spiritual path. I have been so angry with God. And yet I get that we are all Creators and to blame God is a dark path with no good outcome- and takes away all my power.

I ask, and often beg, God, my angels, guides, whatever is out there that I can't see physically for HELP. And then, whatever shows up immediately or the following morning (after I've sobbed myself to sleep) I DO. Which has led me to some profound healing. As I write this I've had a shift. I don't want to claim anything just yet but new resources have just shown up to help (out of the blue) and last night my father (who died in 2009)visited in my dreams and I actually woke up humming a song called I think "It's a New Day"- oh it's a new day, for shinin' your shoes and it's a new day for losin' the blues; everything to gain and nothing to love, oh it's a new day from morning to night." This song would have made me gag normally but today it felt real. Dishes are now washed and I'm going out for a walk on a beautiful day in Chicago. This is a MIRACLE. Again, making no future or absolute claims but just to have this moment in time is remarkable.

I would like to share what I used to begin my healing path (and the grief counselors haven't worked for me either btw- nothing has really worked for me but spiritual pursuits)

you can google
Jennifer McLean Healing with the Masters

It's a free series. Yes, they do sell stuff but it's not a requirement to buy and if you do, it's not expensive CD/MP3 sets.

This led me to other things the first time I did it...just continuing on the life path of healing. And it seems to be working.

I do NOT want to go thru another day let alone years of pain and sadness. Reading these posts reminded me that I am the only one who can choose to heal and ASK God or whatever you believe in for help. Every single time I ask sincerely (and really, when you're sobbing, isn't that sincere enough?) help is on the way.

I extend my heartfelt condolensces to all here who have suffered grievous loss (as I have) and to wave the flag that help is on the way if you consistenly ask for it and then DO whatever shows up. Your departed loved one ONLY wants you to be happy - I want to make Jeff proud. And myself.

Love to all,
Juli

Anonymous said...

This message is for Jennifer- the creator of this 'blog?'not sure what you call it- I still have a Walkman - heck, I still use a Walkman.

I just reviewed more comments and read where you do not believe in God or souls etc. I hope you post what I did but you might not because what I shared isn't in alignment with your personal beliefs. Which I do respect as we're all entitled to them.

I will say that I did not grow up with any spirituality. And when Jeff, the finest human being I have ever known in my life (and thank goodness these are not widow words- I communicated them while he was alive and until the day he died he knew I felt this way about him) - a more generous, giving, caring, smart, funny, crap...I could on and on but why...) died, I couldn't believe in anything. Because nothing made sense.

However, with my overly logical brain, it also doesn't make sense for me to be sentenced to years of pain and misery just because he isn't here anymore. Otherwise, it would have made sense for me to die too because we do NOT have children- just years of infertility and were on the brink of finally adopting this year- oh yes, I know pain. When I've read and heard from all the widows who go on living for and thru their children, I've just wanted to find a gun and blow my brains out.

But I KNOW that will solve nothing (well, it would solve a lot but I trust you know what I mean).

And so I went on the Spiritual Path. You may not (or do not according to your post, you sound what is the word, agnostic? aethest?) believe in anything like that and I do beg you not to discard what I wrote. There is so little hope in these posts for anything other than survival when what we want is joy, happiness etc. And if this helps even one person then it's worth it. I'll check back to see if you posted my comments. I hope you do.

All the best to you. You have beautiful children and are so fortunate to have them I must say.

Juli

Anonymous said...

It'a been more than a year now. A couple of men have been "friendly" - one so much so last week that I felt I had to be blunt and said "I'll never marry again" and he said "Never say never". I'm surprised at how offended I feel. Don't people see I'm half of a couple? Married? Not available?
Is that unhealthy? I don't care. I'm still married and will be until I die.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'll really go out on a limb here since Jennifer was generous enough to post my comments. Thank you.

When we married and I said "Til death do us part" what I really meant was "I will love you until *I* die". The idea of marrying again let alone going on a date made me nauseous.

Nevertheless, out of my communicating with my dead now 8 months husband (thru automatic writing, meditating plus other avenues I won't get into here) what I've gotten consistently is that he WANTS me to marry again. He does not want me to be alone. He loved me so much that he wants me to be loved again. At first this made me ANGRY. But over time I've started to 'get it.' He is on the other side as we speak, selecting the perfect candidate for me. It's CRAZY. He knows exactly what I want. Even things about my husband that were not present in him (like camping or active spirituality) but that I would love, he's communicated to me that he's including those items in what he's looking for.

I feel strongly that having someone on the other side who is working on my behalf is worth taking notice. Yes, I've had a few men show up almost immediately ("If there's ANYTHING I can do for you...you know I've always found you attractive etc.") Ugh. But, I do know that there's someone I most likely haven't met yet who will fit the bill. My husband never let me down in life, communicated clearly that he wanted me to go on and find love again if he died first (I couldn't claim to be so generous, the thought of him with another woman was something I couldn't stomach). And now I've gotten the message that if I can get my energy up and open and receptive, that in fact another love of my life mate, is on the horizon. Maybe even within a year. Someone who would be happy to adopt older kids, those who need good homes and two parents (my husband's and my feeling as well) and will provide me with the family I've always dreamed of. This is a new thought. This is a thought worth living for. I am committed to breaking out of this endless suffering so that I can both have the life I want and continue my specific work of helping to heal our planet (haven't been able to do a stick of work since he died)

I truly believe that widowhood doesn't need to be a life sentence. I believe that I'm still alive in order to prove that, to myself, and to the millions of men and women who will become widows over the next couple of decades as the Baby Boomers age into our demographic.

Here's to making our dead spouses proud of us (if you believe in life after death which I do and even if you don't...) and making our children, family, all of our loved ones, uplifted by our commitment to healing our grief and moving into excellent self-care, boundless appreciation for how FORTUNATE we've been to love our spouses so well , and into dare I say, happiness, because we were loved so well.

Anonymous said...

my husband died June 5 2011; he left off on his motorcycle and died....he was traveling with friends, they had to see him lying on the ground dead for hours, I can't get that picture out of my head. When I see them its awkward. His accident was on the news; I really hated that; that's always "other people" not us. I went back to work to avoid the pressure of wearing that kind of grief. Its like a heavy coat you wear in the summer time, it's unbearable. I have not washed our sheets in 2 1/2 months, we made love the night before he left, I don't want to lose that. My kids get sad but they seem to be dealing better than I do. I just avoid it really. I get up everyday like it never happened and go to work, I put on my wedding rings, my 10 year anniversery ring and the necklace that holds his ashes...I guess I need to wash the sheets.

Anonymous said...

Can anyone out there help me,so many people that have lost their loved one say that they dream about them, they feel their loved one near them. I DON'T he has been gone 11 months and he doesn't come in dreams I don't feel him near me all I feel is loneliness, anger, resentment, fear, sadness. Does anyone else feel this or is it just me. I think I'm going to bed and cry myself to sleep again.

Anonymous said...

I didn't feel my husbands presence for awhile. It first happened one night as I was laying in bed. I was remembering some special times we did share, like our 35th wedding anniversary trip to Australia. I closed my eyes and was flooded with memories and i smiled instead of crying. I "saw" the birth of our children and grand children, remembered how blessed we felt. I think when I focused on the positive memories is when I felt his presence. I felt calm and at peace. I could actually smell his cologne. It was a very comforting experience for me but left me wanting more. Now I do try to focus on all our happy and wonderful life together, the happy times and it seems to bring some peace to me. I will always be his wife, death didn't end our marriage, just changed the dynamics of it. I know he will wait patiently for me to join him so we will be re-united again. Love you, Tom. WFL

Pamela said...

I dont know where to begin, my husband died 17 days ago & I dont know what to do with myself, I expect to see him when I look up the stairs or sitting up in bed when I wake up through the night, I feel blessed to have his boys, almost 3 & 6 months, I have a wonderful family, my Dad has stayed with me every night since but I am so alone, I'm 31, I have friends who are still single & I dont doubt they will have a lifetime with a partner they are yet to meet but cant imagine what life has for me, it could be a long time until I die & even then I dont know what happens, I keep going over & over the days before he died, how rushed things had been, if only I'd known, I'd have memorised every moment! I will carry on because I have no choice, I have 2 boys who need me, I try to smile for them & feel guilt that Jim's not sharing my moments with them... no one around me really understands except probably my Dad as my Mum died when I was 12 & he brought me & my younger sisters up alone, hate other people patronising me, dont want to hear about stars or any other nonsence I just want him home!!!!

Anonymous said...

My husband died just over 2 months ago suddenly in a floating accident. He was 33, I am 31,together for 11 years, married for nearly 6 when he died. We have 2 beautiful girls that are 5 and 2. It feels so wrong talking about him in the past tense. He was with 4 other guys, all single, none of them have kids or even a girl friend. I wish that one of them had died and not my Seth. He was the best man I have ever met. My best friend, my only friend. He loved us so much, we were so happy. Genuinly happy, we were so in love, my husband loved me so much, he loved his babies so much. He loved God so much. It's not fair. It's not fair. So many horrible people in this horrible world and my beautiful man had to be the one to go. Why didn't God save my man? My daddy, my love, my baby. He made me want to be a better person, to live a better life. His smell went away from his dress shirts a few weeks ago, just another part of him that went away from us. I'm still here, the girls are still here, waiting. My husband believed in the scriptures about the resurrection, of a paradise earth after armageddon. All I do is wait, all I want is to see my husband again, so I'll wait. I miss him so much

Anonymous said...

It has been a year since I lost my husband, I can't and won't tell you how to deal with this horrible time in your life. It hurts a God awful physical pain. No it is not fair that he was taken so young. You need time, it will hurt but just put one foot in front of the other. Don't be afraid to ask for help, surround yourself with love ones and friends and NO they don't know how you feel or what you are going through only you know. Take your time on doing all of the paperwork, don't make any decisions right away. It has been a year for me and I am still walking around in a fog. You will miss him for the rest of your life, but please take care of yourself cry, throw things, yell, sleep when you can, go to a support group. Talk about him until you can't talk anymore than talk some more. Tell your boys all about their dad, keep pictures around and answer all of their questions. I hope I helped just a little. Take care and know you are not alone.

Anonymous said...

I have posted several times before. I lost my dad in January,2011 and 2 months later my husband of 41 years died within weeks of being diagnosed with cancer. Now recently (Oct 1), my sister that introduced me to my husband died of a sudden heart attack, no history of heart problems. I don't know why the people I love so dearly are being taken away so quickly, 3 in one year. I almost dread answering my phone, afraid someone else has been taken away. I feel so alone and miss them all so much. I love you, Dad, Kathy and my beloved Tom. RIP.........WFL

Anonymous said...

My beloved husband of 30 years died in my arms on Dec. 27, 2009. The pain and loneliness are still very unbearable. I have always been a very busy high functioning person but can,t seem to get my act together. I am bitter,angry, and resentful and doubt the existence of God. I feel that I have no future without him. We had such a beautiful life together and losing him was not fair because we cared for my elderly parents for 12 years and now it was our turn.

Anonymous said...

I had a little different scenario, my husband and I divorced after 25 years and 3 children. We were always best friends first so our divorce was a good thing it saved our friendship. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor a year later and died 6 months after the diagnoses. I was 46 when he passed. Its a very weird feeling because even though there was a divorce and we were moving forward, we still had each other. I miss him everyday I can't start the lawn mower or can't remember something he had shown me a million times. He's been gone for almost 2 years and I still think of him at least once everyday. I know I need to just continue moving forward, but yes rebuilding your life is difficult. I don't have a bag holder when raking leaves, I don't have someone to help give the dog a bath, I don't have someone to remind me where the pilot light is on the furnace. I do know he's here I can feel his presence and sometimes I can hear him say, don't forget to change the batteries in the smoke detector or make sure the furnace filters are clean. We were 5 and now we are 8, the beautiful family we created is continuing on and I know he loves it. Still I wish he were just here.

Anonymous said...

My wife died at home on 27th October 2011 and her funeral was two days ago on the 7th November 2011.We had been together for thirty three years after falling in love within five minutes of meeting.Our children and extended family have been superb and have helped so much with the practical things but no one can help with my pain.
I am sick of people saying "well at least you have wonderful memories" when all that i want is one more hour with Cathy.
She had open heart surgery in Dec 2010 then got diagnosed with canccer in her Spine. Lymph System and Lungs on 11th June 2011.She responded really well to her Chemotherapy until she had a Deep Vein Thrombosis on the 26th July 2011, she had nine days in hospital and things were touch and go but my darling fought again.
This was not the end though as somebody decided she should have a severe stroke on the 4th Ocober 2011 which left her paralysed, too much even for my brave wife.
She was the most compassionate and caring of people and our huge local church was completely packed by people who also loved her.
Nothing helps of course, I wish I could be as brave as my beautiful wife who never once complained despite everything.
I wish people would not ask how I am because when I reply that I wish I was dead they bereate me with how I should be "grateful" that I have my children and grandchildren, I am of course but I still see death as the only way to end my pain so I just hope they will stop asking as i intend to keep giving "my" honest reply.
I hope that things will get easier one day but as of now the pain is just increasing daily and I dont think I can take much more.....after only 13 days......is there no hope for the future?.

Anonymous said...

I lost my husband in 2005. It has been 6 years now and life actually gets better every day.
We have one daughter and I pretty much raised her alone. I was 43 when he died after 4 years of cancer struggle. I am now 49 years old and our daughter is 16. I have to say it is now seems like a life time ago that I was married and had a husband. I actually enjoy being single again and have all the friends and have the freedom and a new life. I am not planning on getting married again and taking care of another husband (done enough of that). Life does move on and you will all discover that there is tomorrow, and it can be even much better than yesterday.


Lee
(Connecticut)

Anonymous said...

my third post,the anniversary of my husbands death is approaching. It will be the first anniversary. It feels like a countdown...
I hate friday nights the most. they used to be my favourite.
To the lady with no children, we have 4 children,12,10,4 and 3, all adopted. We didn't plan to adopt children only to add to their losses.Sometimes I feel guilty that we adopted them and then subjected them to the loss of the only father thay have known, and to a mother whose stress levels have increased and is snappy and sad. But I keep hearing in my head "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
I hear that in these posts too.
I have never read so many love stories in one place
xxx to all

Anonymous said...

I lost my husband 9 yrs ago & then my mother last year & have no children (not by choice) nor any family. It is lonely, but I do want to offer some hope of an after life to those who are grieving. My husband died suddenly & unexpectantly. Long story but when we lived in the forest, my cat (only child) would bring mice home daily, my cat loved to hunt. Then we moved to town & in 2 years of living in town, not one mouse. I'd complain to my husband that my cat was bored in town & never brought home a mouse 2 yrs. 5-6 times my husband said he'd go get him a live mouse to play with but I told him no. The week my husband died I had a dream, my husband, cat & me in the forest where we used to live. My cat walked up with a mouse in his mouth & my cat said "I love the forest because there's lots of mice to catch". That morning after the dream, I walked outside & my cat walked up to me with a mouse in his mouth, 1st time since in town. I really believe my husband finally got that mouse for him to play with. Btw, my husband appeared early 30's in the dream, not 50. I miss him terribly still. I tried dating but never found anyone else. We will always miss them, but somehow we find a way to go on because we have to. Sending my sincerest sympathies to those whose loss is grievously deep & more recent. Remember: Whatsoever is bound on earth is bound in heaven. Whatever our beliefs, that is my hope, that we all reunite with our loved ones & love is the bond.

Anonymous said...

The love of my life died Oct.12-2011. He was 46 and his name is Darrin. It's hard to even go on, I am 38. He died because he didn't believe in doctors, only holistic healers and they didn't take his blood pressure. He had a brain aneurysm because his blood pressure was so high. I miss him so much, I cry everyday. I wish he was with me

Anonymous said...

My husband came home August 27, 2011 and could not remember how to run a computer ptogram. A CT scan showed cancer throughout his brain. It was glioblastoma multiforme.

23 days later he was dead. Every day his memory,
his personality, and his intellect were ravaged. He did not rave or cry. He asked me one day, "How did this happen?" He wanted to fight, but he didn't stand a chance. On September 2nd, he tried to convince one of his friends to marry me after he died. He always tried to take care of me.

We met late in life. I was 44 and he was 49. It was love at first sight. My first marriage and his second. We never fought, and we communicated our love evryday. Soulmates. We had so much fun together, my lover, my best friend. Only 12 years and 10 months together. Not long enough.

I sleep with his ashes on the bedside stand, with his picture looking over me, hugging his pillow, and on special nights I wear one of his unwashed polo shirts.

I wonder how many years I will have to live beyond him, and I understand the pain will never end. Friends are trying to help and my mother lives on my farm with me. She has been widowed 2 years now and we help each other out. I have lost 30# because I'm too busy to eat and it's too much trouble. We had no children, but lots of pets who need me and that helps.

Three weeks ago, I met him in a dream. He was young and beautiful, and in my dream I knew he was dead. I told him about all that had happened after he died and woke feeling better for a day. Til death do us part, oh what pain those words bring.

Anonymous said...

I agree how we all have loved someone so special.
It has been 13 months since I have lost my loved one. The pain is still so real, I don't remember to much about this past year and reality is setting in. I hope and pray all of you make it through this holiday season with some norm. Take care, keep talking it does help. Love to all.

Jennifer M Karn said...

There are 85 comments on this post, to date. Thank you to everyone for sharing. Your kind words me a lot to me and it helps more than you know. Thank you also to those who are dealing with their own grief. It's courageous to share your pain...and therapeutic, too. Love and peace to you all. Keep sharing!

Anonymous said...

Its been 4 months and this is the most horrible thing I have ever experienced. I love and miss him so much. We have a 5yr old and thats what keeps me going. He was 46 with sclung cancer and we never thought he would be taken away so fast. I try to be happy for our son but it doesn't always work. I need to see him talk to him again I love him so much! How will I ever get through this ...I guess thats where my faith has failed me I need proof that he is happy and ok and that we will be together again..Why!!!...I know were not suppose to ask why but I feel so sad and angry all in one. what about miracles everyone talks about.

Anonymous said...

I lost the love of my life, soul mate and best friend on the 4th May 2011 to cancer.
We were married for nearly 26years but i had known him for 41. I to only live because i have two wonderful children if they were not here i would be gone with him. I listen to the song tears in heaven (eric Clapton)every day that seems to help a bit.

Anonymous said...

it is one year today since i went from wife to widow..in 3 hours time to be precise.This time last year he was still alive. I was reading to him in bed. I was wondering what i would do with these hours (it is 1 am now) I have finally decided I will go to bed and read the chapter that I read to him, this time last year, from A year in Tibet. the second last chapter. We never made it to the last. But I will re read it now...and spend some "more time with him"...before this 1 year hits...

Anonymous said...

Thanksgiving day Tom and I would have celebrated our 42 wedding anniversary. He passed away 3-21-2011. Even with family and friends around, I feel alone. My better half is missing. I dread Christmas coming up but will try to make the most of the holiday for my children and grandchildren but I know already that it will never be the same. BEING A WIDOW SUCKS !!!!! RIP, Tom...........wfl

Sandie (Portage, MI) said...

I'm so glad I found this site. I've been sitting here for over an hour reading and crying. I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my husband's death. He passed away December 8, 2010. He had pancreatitis, but actually died of an infection that he got while in the hospital. He was 57, and I was 52 when he passed. He was my second husband. I had a bad first marriage, and was single for ten years before finding the man of my dreams. Phil and I met on the internet. I knew within ten minutes of meeting him that he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We were married seven months after we met! We had a great marriage that lasted just shy of five years. I am so happy that I got to experience a good marriage, but also very sad that it had to end so soon. I have a hole in my heart, and feel an emptiness that I don't think will ever go away. I am getting better with time, but don't think I will ever be the same. I am not giving up hope that I may find love again, but know I will not be able to replace this wonderful man. I am so sorry for all of the losses that you have gone through. Please don't give up on your lives. Your husband's would not have wanted that for you.

Anonymous said...

I am 33 and my husband passed away 3 months ago, he was diagnosed with Cancer in May 2011, and passed a few short months later. I wake up everyday thinking i'm not going to survive. We have 2 beautiful children together...there is so much I wanted to experience with him. Reading everyone's posts helped me to see that I'm not alone and my feelings are normal. I just want him to come back to me, I want to feel normal again. I cared for him every day during his journey with Cancer, and I'm struggling to remember him before his illness. We were maried 11 years and together for 18. He was my entire life, my everything. My 2 kids keep me going everyday, and remind me of all the good things in life. I will always remember him fondly. Life will never be the same again.

Anonymous said...

I am 48 years old and my husband was diagnosed two days before Thanksgiving 2008 with sarcoma cancer and died almost exactly 4 months later. We were married 22 years and began dating in the 8th grade. He was healthy as can be and we were busy raising our three teenage sons and enjoying life. It was a total shock. It's been almost 4 years now and there are still days I can't believe this has happened. After his death, we all dealt with our grief in different ways but I can finally say we are all doing well now. But our journey has not been easy. Tonight is our youngest son's first basketball game of the season. He's a senior and I'm so sad his father won't be here to watch him play. One day at a time life goes forward and we somehow seem to manage. I could not of survived without my faith and trust that he is with God. I know I will never ever get over this loss, but I find happiness in my family and want to live life the best I can. My husband would us to be happy. I've started dating a wonderful man and I'm not sure what the future will bring, but I feel God has blessed me in ways I never expected. I've read all your posts and my heart goes out to all of you and I literally can feel your pain as I've been there. Stay busy through the holidays, and don't try to do "what you always did before" that makes it so much harder to endure. Mix it up, change things, it will never be the same and trying to keep it the same is so painful. Best wishes, thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain it will be two years on the 18th of January that my husband died. I feel just like you do. How do I , we go on. even
Its so sad. He is so missed.

Anonymous said...

Your family is beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss and the heartache that each of you are feeling. I can't imagine how deep your pain is. My sister lost her husband of 25 years last week and I am so sad for her. Is there anything that I can do to help comfort her?

Anonymous said...

Yesterday was 1 year...I lost my husband of 20 yrs suddenly of a massive heart attack. I've survived because I had to. We have 2 wonderful kids whom I couldn't have made it through without. I talk to him every night along with my prayers- he never talks back, but today I took a nap and actually dreamed about him for the 1st time. Just laying together and I told him I've missed him. It was wonderful, knowing he was listening to me, if only in a dream.

Anonymous said...

My husband died on Nov 9, 2011 after being sick with neck cancer for only forty one days . We were married 27 years He was my best friend. I feel like I am a robot. Get up go to work come home and cried myself to sleep. I am amazes how crude people can be like Oh you are young, you will find someone else-dont want someone else I want my husband Life sucks then you die well my life didnot suck I hope my life gets better I lost 17 lbs and sleep about four hours a night I wish this nightmare would end

Anonymous said...

I was hoping someone can tell me how to cope with the holidays. My husband will be dead forty one days on christmas. My three boys are in their twentys, they miss their father, but I am glad they are not little. I try so hard to be excited about the holidays around people,but really don't care. I cannot think about happy memories.I have a broken heart.

Anonymous said...

I got through my first Christmas without you being here and it was tough but hopefully everyone enjoyed it. The only thing missing was YOU. You would always act grumpy and wear your grumpy sweat shirt, but you never fooled us, we all knew you loved Christmas as much as we do. We always laughed so much and had fun together with our family, kids and grandchildren. I love the memories of Christmas when we all went together to Mexico for our white sand Christmas. I am trying to think only happy thoughts but then realize i have tears running down my face. I miss you so very much, my friend, my husband. RIP Tom, I love you always.........WFL

Anonymous said...

I lost my loving wife Dec 27 2011. I dont want to go on living .We were both 65 and had been married 40 years . 10 years ago she got copd. I retired at 62 to be with her and help her . I thank god she passed in her sleep with no pain . I am glad she went first so she didnt have to go thru the pain I am going thru now with out her. But I dont think I want to live without her . If I take my own life I wont be with her in heaven . This is the worst time of my life . I love her so much I hold and kiss her clothes she left behind .

Anonymous said...

There are no answers, no right or wrong way to deal with grief and the agony of missing. Three years on and the triggers pop up out of nowhere. At times they nearly take my breath away. Someone told me that God takes the weak first and only the strong are left to cope. Now I am trying to redefine myself. It is not easy. I am even afraid at times to be happy. I only pray that I never forget him or his courage and love.

Anonymous said...

I read your comments with tons of envy. I met my husband while in college and he was my Math tutor. He fell in love with me and I cared for him but it was not instant love at first sight. He was my best friend, the person who I talked to about my personal problems regarding school, my ex-husband, my daughter etc. He persisted on marring me knowing I was not in love with him. He said I would grow to love him, which was true. I loved everything about him but was always' afraid of letting myself be free to love him completely. I did not want to be hurt again. My business kept me busy and eventually we separated...almost went through a nasty divorce. I realized that I wanted this selfless loving man and we planned one of our beautiful trips to Maine. I was scheduled to fly back home the following week, when I received a call that he was ill. I knew he was ill from diabetics but the medication was doing wonders. I just knew it was a minor set back and he would be OK. I was wrong, my husband passed on April 30, 2010 and my heart breaks at the thought of the lost years we could have shared together had I not been so selfish and given us a chance. At one point I was delusional and called his brother asking why my husband cell phone was disconnected. Not one day passes that I don't think about the precious gift I was given. I ask myself why..why why did he leave me or why was I soo stupid. I've asked to be buried in the same grave, perhaps in death we can bond again. Enjoy your beautiful dreams and lives you've shared with your spouses.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jennifer, What a wonderful site. My husband died in March, we had been together 52 years, 45 of those married. Like everyone else who has contributed here, I have that great emptiness. I have a wonderful family and support but fight against inflicting my grief on them. I have read these sentiments over and over here. To know that this grief is normal and to read of the feelings of so many others helps in a way I struggle to describe. I am reminded of a quote from the film Love Actually "this was always going to be a totally shit time" and it is.

Anonymous said...

My husband died 10th February 2011, I met him when I was 19 Im now 58. It still feels like he's just died only days ago. When I awake in the night and just for a second think he's still there beside me its a moment of joy, then reality hits. I dont have a life anymore, I just exist from day to day, I wish he could have taken me with him. Theres just me now, no one else. I wouldnt swap what we had for anything, I just dont want this life anymore.

Anonymous said...

My husband died November 25,2011, the day after Thanksgiving. He was 52 years old, I am 46 years old. This feels like a cruel joke because we would have celebrated our 1st anniversary December 24. We were together 4 years, we we so inlove. We did not have an easy road to love and we weren't young so we were looking forward to growing old together. We had all these plans for our life together we did a lot to our house in the 3 years we lived here,made it perfect,then he is gone. The suddeness of his death has left me reeling. He was so happy on Thanksgiving he helped me in the kitchen, then told me how great everthing was. I have 3 children from my previous marriage 20, 15 & 20.They left for their dad's and my Darling Lloyd, my parents and I enjoyed the rest of Thanksgiving night. We laughted and talked then we went to bed. We made love that night, little did I know it was to be our last. We got up together and he left home at 8 am to go play paddle ball and by 9:27 am he was dead. I got a call from the hospital saying he had collapsed. I got there only to be told he was gone. The world as I know it is also gone. Getting past the shock is hard even now 5 weeks later. I read every post prior to writing this one and they sum up all my feelings. I have been going to the cemetery every week but it doesn't help. I want him back,I don't want him to be dead. We were happy, our life was beautiful he loved me so much & I loved him more. Some times I feel like my life with him must have been a dream, it was too beautiful to be real. He use to write me a post card every night and tell me the most wonderful words of love then end with a corney joke. I can sit for hours reading them and laughing. Thank God I have them, I tell people they are my most precious belonging. I cannot thank you enough for sharing your pain. This has been good seeing I am not alone. My family and friends mean well but you can only understand if you have experienced this pain of loss. When I visit his grave I don't want to leave I just want to lie down with my Lloyd. I want to be with him so much I feel ready to die even though I know my children need me. The pain gets overbearing and the people around you just desperately want you to be better. May we all begin to heal with time.I sucks to want to be with the dead while you are alive so may we all join the world of the living again and see life as a gift. Love and Good wishes to all.

Anonymous said...

2007 I met the man of my dreams, my sole mate. Six months later I left my home, job, family and friends and moved to another state to make my life with him. Fit and healthy one day and diagnosed with stage four cancer the next. Nine weeks later he died in my arms at home. We were together only four years and had our wedding planned for oct 2011. We managed to get married in aug and he passed away 3 weeks later. I feel so alone with family and friends so far away. I know that time is the healer but like you all, the pain is so great. I only wish it something else so wonderful that we all have in common..sadly it's not to be.

Anonymous said...

My husband died a week ago today. He had been diagnosed on February 1, 2010 with a very rare form of bladder cancer...small cell, which is usually a lung cancer caused from smoking. I had begged him over the decades to quit. He looked at me one day and said "I like it, I enjoy it, I don't want to stop." He underwent 24 (yes, 24) rounds of chemotherapy. We knew from the onset that it was not curable just treatable. The first 15 rounds (which were each given over three days) gave him a pretty good quality of life. Then, some scans showed more in the liver so stronger chemo was given....four days a week, five hours each day. We were never told by his oncologist the absolutely devastating side effects the particular chemo drug could cause. It caused brain damage. My husband became an invalid. I could not care for him at home. When I questioned the oncologist on the devastating side effects, his answer to me was "The side effects are so rare, I don't bother to mention them." My husband spent the last 43 days of his life in a Hospice Home near our home. It was the most wonderful, caring place....they kept him comfortable, but his mind and body as I knew them were gone. Thanksgiving and Christmas passed in a blur. I got into his bed and lay beside him a few hours before he died. I told him how much I loved, him that it was okay for him to go and be with his parents and other family members who had passed before him. And that our two sons and I would be okay. I cried as I told him this. After he died, I lay my head on his shoulder and could still feel the dampness from my tears earlier in the day. We met on a blind date two weeks after he completed three years in the U.S. Army as a officer. I was 20, he was 22. We have been together ever since....43 years, over 41 of those married. Our oldest son is disabled and lives with us (now me). I was only 22 when he was born. I thought having a child born with a lifelong disability was the hardest thing in my life but at least I had my husband to go through it with. Now every thought throughout my day is of him. I grieve for him, I am mad at him for continuing to smoke and for leaving me to care for our son on my own.

Anonymous said...

Fourteen months and counting, counting to what I don't know. It is not getting easier in fact I am finding this second year harder than the first. I still can't get my head around that he is not coming home ever again, I think I am still waiting for him to come through the door. So many people think its been a year now so get on with your life. It just doesn't happen that way or least it hasn't for me. No one wants me to talk about him anymore it old news. I try but nothing seems to help. All of your post do help so please keep them coming.

Anonymous said...

Thanksgiving night 2011 I lost my husband we had been together 26 years,I meet him at work and right away I knew he was special.I had been hurt by ex-husbands,and Michael helped me through that,I lost my daughter to cancer in 1995,she was 15 years old,Michael helped me through that,He was my life,we made one.We had nothing in common,We were as different as night and day.Never fought never had a fight,always agreed to disagree,never went to bed mad at each other.We laughed all the time,He would sing to me,off key of course.He watched to much sports,And I hate all sports.He was healthy,took good care of his self.Never was sick.He had a massive heart attack sitting on the toilet.The last thing he said to me was I think your potato salad gave me the doo-ties,then it hit him.I heard him hit the shower door and he was gone.
GOD MADE HIM FOR ME.GOD SENT HIM TO ME WHEN I NEEDED HIM THE MOST.I miss him more and more everyday.His laugh.His smile.His smell.And most of all I miss him calling me honey.Hope all who reads this finds peace.

Anonymous said...

i just lost my husband of 30 years to legionnaires disease on Jan 8th it was so sudden and unexpected one day he was here and then he was gone. i never got a chance to say goodbye and i am really struggling to deal with it. One minute i am crying the next angry i se no hope for the future and i dont want to be here. How dare he leave me so suddenly. Everyone has been lovely but they are not the ones who will have to pick up the pieces after the funeral.i am so very angry with god for taking him in such a cruel way, he only went in to hopsital with flu like symptoms on Jan 1st and on Jan 8th he was gone.....this has been the worst week of my life and i just want him back...

Anonymous said...

The pain of losing a spouse is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I lost my husband of 24 years to esophagheal cancer after a year long battle. I have been left a mountain of bills, going through forclosure, job loss, bankruptcy, special needs daughter to mention a few. It is bad enough to lose my husband but also having to try to take care of all these other problems. I want to die....but I want to live. My husband was only 53 when he died. I cannot even begin to say how scared I am to go it alone. My parents have been gone a long time and my friends have left and family members are too busy. How will I ever get through this? I do love God but am angry because I almost had the whole world praying for my husband to get better....and he didn't.

Pamela said...

I have been drawn back to this site over and over, it is so comforting to know that everyone who has lost the love of their life shares the overwhelming grief and emptiness, we all have this in common, and that somehow makes it "normal" for us. I have also thought that until this grief is experienced personally no one can have any real appreciation or understanding of it. I will in future be much more compassionate.

Anonymous said...

Thanksgiving, November 24th 2011, was the first anniversary of my husband's death. He died three days before our 6th wedding anniversary. He was truly my soul mate - I could not believe my good fortune to be so much in love! Now my soul has a gaping wound. The grief only gets worse. I visit the niche where our companion urn rests and long for the day when I join him. There is no other!

Anonymous said...

We used to say life is for the living.You owe it to your loved ones who have died to make the most of YOUR life. That was before - 5 weeks ago today my partner of 30 years my soulmate passed on. Diagnosed with lung cancer 22nd November died 20th December. Now i dont know how to carry on reading all these posts i know i am not alone, not the first or the last who will experience grief. I too feel the emptiness disbelief shock despair and wonder when it will end, not believing it ever will. I long for my life with Linda and we had a great life together some amazing times that i know can never happen again i just cant accept what has happened. I know i have to go on but wish every waking moment that i could have gone with her or instead of her. I just hope that in time i can deal with what has happened remember happy times and be able to make some sort of future for myself but i just am not ready. A magic wand and to fast forward through this pain would be good i am not by nature a patient person my friends say i expect too much from myself i just dont know what will ever make me smile again. Karen

Anonymous said...

It's been 10 months since Tom died and I still feel alone and lost. I was with him holding his hand and talking to him when he died. I hope that I gave him comfort as he left this life. Every night I relive the night he passed away. Did I do the right things? Did he know how much I loved him? His blood pressure was 50/30 and I asked why it was so low. The nurse told me that medication was the only reason he had a blood pressure and respirator was breathing for him, so I had to make the decision to remove him from life support. Tom and I had discussed our wishes about being kept alive by machines. I know it was the right decision but one I hoped I would never have to make. Does this ever go away? Will I ever be able to accept that he is really gone? I don't want to. I have isolated myself from almost everyone. I leave the house to get groceries only when I have to. I quit going to church. I have lost interest in most things.I don't know how to even be friends to people anymore. I am lost and alone without you, Tom. I love you, RIP.....WFL

Anonymous said...

My beautiful husband Jim of 35 years died Feb 20th 2008...I can only write this now because I feel like I've been in a bad dream...everybody thinks because it is 4 years on I have dealt with the huge loss....Im finding it impossible even though I have met a "friend" the gaping wound in my heart is so raw....My husband just went to mow his sisters lawn on Wed 20th Feb 2008 11am and died with a massive heart attack in the back yard...I felt a horrible feeling approx 1.15pm and felt a sense of urgency to go to his sisters home (she was not home at the time)when I arrived the gate was ajar the car door open...and I just knew it wasnt good...to my horror I found him deceased in the back yard by the lawn-mower...from that moment of shock I became a person on auto-pilot, I felt disconnected and have been functioning ever since in this way...Nobody gets it!! Nothing seems real anymore, it all seems tempory, like any minute I'll wake up. As time goes on I'm getting worse, I try to keep busy and attempt to show our Girls (35yrs and 34yrs)I'm fine and never show any emotion to others that I'm desperately screaming on the inside....I weep when I'm alone and feel totally crushed, I go and shop to feel some sense of worth, I have a shoe and clothing fixation and have spent or should I say wasted money on this recent addiction...I love our daughters and 4 Grandchildren more than words can express, but I discuise the pain within...I have nobody to understand the loss of a precious, precious, Husband and soul-mate!

Anonymous said...

My husband of 26 years died on Dec. 13, 2011. He suffered a massive heart attack and cardiac arrest on Nov. 10. He was in a coma until Nov.22 then he woke up was moved to a rehab facility. He was on his way to doing better. Then he suffered a seizure which made his heart stop and God called him home. I am happy I got the extra days with my husband even though he was not that alert, it helped me to be in a better place. I am trying to deal with the loneliness each and every day. It is tremendously hard. We have three beautiful sons 23, 21, and 12, that are trying hard to support me. This is so difficult I am trying to cope. It is hard to go home to my sons each night after work knowing that he is not there starting dinner. People are trying to be supportive but no one understands how difficult this is. I am trying to be a great mom for our boys, but some days I just want to hide from the world.

Anonymous said...

My Garry died on Nov 9, 2011 of neck cancer. I have a funny story. I never went food shopping, in my 27 years of marriage. With three babies,Garry enjoyed shopping. I sold both our's cars. Now a month after he died I had no food. Walking around the store,I am crying I don't know what to buy or where items are. Finally I get to the parking lot and I can't find my car I start crying again Until I realize I have a new car. I am sure Garry was laughing at me. But I miss Garry with all my heart.

Anonymous said...

January 28, 2012 11:11 PM

My husband of 35 years passed away unexpectedly on August 10, 2011. He was never in the hospital until last year. He was being treated for a bacterial infection at one of the best hospitals in the country. He was 62 years old but much younger looking and the doctors could not believe his age. He was very healthy as he biked, jogged, lifted weights and we were vegetarians who ate about 95% organic food for over 30 years. My husbnad had annual physicals and was always given a clean bill of health as he took care of himself. My husband and I married 6 months after we met and were married 7 years before we had children. Therefore, we had a lot of time to get to know each other. I married him for his kind and tender heart(he was very easy on the eyes as well)! A year after we were married someone else took first place in his heart and I was not even jealous because that person was Jesus Christ who gave my husband an even bigger heart. He was a faithful husband to me and father as well to our 2 living children! I know that my husband loved God first just as I do and that he is with Jesus as we both became Christians around the same time. I know that he is praising and glorifying God and Jesus as he has eternal life! I believe according to the Bible and in my heart that there is no better place, however in my flesh, I miss him terribly. We were best friends and except for when he was at work, we spent most of our time together. As I tell people, we grew up together...in our mid 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and early 60's. I have been truly blessed as I've slept every night since my husband's passing so I know that God is real because my husband and I have only spent about 5 nights apart in 35 years (when I was in the hospital and visiting parents). Even if we had a disagreement we would eventually end up in bed together and touching feet(even if we slept back to back)! I cry often especially when returning home. I'm like the little piggy that went to market and cried wee wee all the way home!
Did I say home...well, it's not home because he's not here but I am comforted by the Holy Spirit! This is the same Holy Spirit that comforted me when my husband called from his hospital bed to tell me to get there as he was slipping away! In my flesh, I wanted to run through the hospital screaming and crying as I watched my husband of 35 years slipping away but God gave me the peace that passes all understanding and God's love, mercy and grace along with the prayers of others is helping me through the biggest test of my Christian journey! Rejoicing through the tears as I end with to God be the glory!!!

Rejoicing through the tears! said...

Death is ugly...that's what I heard a pastor say doing a sermon and on August 10, 2011 I found out that he was half right! Yes, while death is ugly, it's also bittersweet as a much loved one no longer has to bother with the cares of this world. The human part of me battles with the spirit part and it's physically and emotionally exhausting! He's with God but I still want him here with me...holding me, talking to me and looking at me with that gleam and sparkle in
his eyes reserved just for me...that look of love that's still there after 35 years of marriage! The emptiness and loneliness are both overwhelming at times that I feel like I want to burst. Did I mention the pain and how relentless it can be as well. Till death do us part means I'm free to marry again. Words spoken doing the wedding ceremony that I never thought would come true 35 years later! Maybe 50, 60 or 70 years later but no this soon. I know that you were the one for me the first time that we met. I would not even take a chance on marrying anyone else because God only made one you for me. You were and will always be my true love as we became one flesh as God intended. You continued to make my heart skip a beat and take my breath away even after all of the years together. I loved you and did not take your love and kindness for granted. While we did not always agree on everything and could get into some heated debates, we both knew that we loved each other more than words could ever express1 At 62 you didn't even have gray hair and wrinkles yet. We had no grandchildren to spoil and didn't even get a chance to reminiscence about the past but I do thank God for you. Although at times because of the pain, I do wish that we had never met but of course deep in my heart I'm so very glad for the years together!

Larryslove said...

My husband of 27 years died 4 weeks ago tomorrow. I slept late and woke up to a quiet house, and I found him dead on the living room floor.
I can't believe he's actually gone and I have to ask my family every day if this is a bad dream, or if he is actually gone. All my dogs hear is me sobbing.
I wish I would just stop breathing, I want to be with him more than anything.

Anonymous said...

Today is what one of my friends who is also a widow calls "marker days". It was two years ago today that I took my husband through emergency after much begging on my part to do so. We thought it was a kidney stone....his symptoms were classic..I had kiney stones and he mimiced my symptoms. But, it was not a stone. It was a rare form of bladder cancer...small cell....a smoker's cancer. And so began our journey to our long good-bye as we knew from the first diagnosis that is was not curable. I wrote about it just a few weeks ago just a few days after his burial. I go to the cemetry often. He served in the military so he is buried in one of our national cemteries in St. Louis....they are so well maintained. That alone brings comfort to know that even their final resting places are treated with such care and respect. I find a need to go but find such comfort and grief and sorrow at the same time. But, my grief goes one. I try to keep busy...seeing frinds. But when I am out, I am anxious to be home, when I am home, I am anxious to be out. His caps which he wore when his hair fell out still sit in the same place that they have been for the past many months. I cannot take his voice message off our answering machine as that is my last link to him in a real way. My bereavement counselor says that is okay. I am not crazy....to do it when the time is right. A widow friend of mine says that when she wakes each morning she tells herself she has made it one more day, when I wake up, I tell myself that it is one less day that I have to live without him. It will only be five weeks tomorrow. I miss him, he is part of me, I am no longer whole......that says it all.

Anonymous said...

In May of 2008 I lost my husband to cancer; we went in the hospital to have what we thought was a fluid pocket drained, and a week later he was dead of cancer. We had been together 25 years, and it has been almost four years since I lost him. While I have children and grandchildren I am still actively involved with, they have their own busy lives but I am still alone. I find the thought of dating daunting, it is so very much work to get to know someone, and my husband was my best friend. None of my family, friends or co-workers could possibly begin to fathom the depth of my despair sometimes. Most of the time I can make it ok, but other times I feel totally heartbroken. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a spouse.

Anonymous said...

Yesterday I found out that my ex-husband passed away 3 days ago. He was found dead after a few days.
He was my first, the father of my child, and friend post divorce.

Although the marriage was not good, he was the best father I have known, and a great man. We were together for 11 yrs and divorced for 19. Our son also passed away a few years ago. Not one person thought necessary to let me know.

I have been crying non stop and very upset for the loss, but more because it seems that he did not leave a footprint behind.

The worse part is that I can not tell anyone how I feel, as it seems that the majority of couples want each other dead even when they are married. Explaining how I feel does not make sense to anyone but me. I met him when I was 15.

Today, I went online to see if anybody has gone through the same and I read your post. Although I am crying as I write, I know I am just missing a memory and not a companion. My heart goes out to you.

Anonymous said...

My husband died 4 years ago 2 weeks before his 55th birthday (Christmas Day). He was scheduled for a routine heart cath and the MD preforming the cath disected every artery to his heart. He was my only true love since I was 15 and we were married for almost 35 years. I still only sleep a couple of hours a night. I miss him. The mention of just his name and I want to Cry. I am not interested in meeting or dating anyone . Friends and co-workers belive I must move on with my life. My life ended with him. I now hate holidays and my birthday. I wish I had chosen another doctor or we had cancelled his test. What I would give to hear him say those three words "I love you." Feel his arms around me or kiss his lips. This doctor not only took his life, he took my too.

Anonymous said...

I feel alientated from members of my family who feel uncomfortable with my grief, what they perceive as weakness. As if I should just get over it and move on. What I can't explain to them is that much of my grief comes from guilt.
Conversations and events keep playing in my head. Words I regret. Wish I'd not avoided those difficult conversations where he was upset about something but I was irritated and impatient. We made a promise of unconditional love but circumstances tore at that and I became frustrated, demanding. I'd always felt there was time and enough love to overcome difficulties but opportunity to do that has been ripped away.
It's not getting better. I want so much to know that somehow, somewhere, he sees my regret and still loves me.
The best I can do is not allow too much time thinking about it. My heart tears like paper, continually, even when I'm not thinking consciously about him.
This blog offers an opportunity to cry without judgment. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

My husband of 21 1/2 years passed away Feb. 3, 2011. He was only 46 years old. He was 5 years younger than me and I joked that I liked that because then I figured we would pass about the same time. Now the joke is on me. He got sick on Dec. 28th unexpectedly so we didn't have much time to prepare. We were blessed with a beautiful daughter who is now 12. She misses her Daddy, but she is coping. We just passed the one year anniversary of his death. And now it is going to be Valentine's Day without him. One year is no magical threshold that you cross and there is a rainbow on the other side. It is still so painful and heartbreaking. I still cry everyday. Superbowl Sunday came and went with no invitation to the neighborhood party. It's not that I wanted to watch the game. I just wanted to be invited like usual. It felt like another loss. I thought it must've been an oversight until the next day I got an invitation from that neighbor to a botox demonstration! Kevin was the love of my life. I miss his kisses and him telling me that he loves me and giving me a big hug. He loved his "little family" so much. I've lost my parents, my father in law, a brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. but nothing prepared me for the depth of the loss of a spouse. Nothing comes close to it at all. I don't think anyone can comprehend it until they have gone through it themselves. I pray that someday I can be happy again. Because of our daughter I have a purpose or I don't know what I would do. I'll never have another love like Kevin. My heart and arms embrace each and everyone of you who are going through this living nightmare.

Anonymous said...

My husband and soul mate passed away on 21st December 2011. I was with him. He had been unwell for a week, seen the doctor that morning, and we were getting ready to goto hospital for tests. He was sat on a chair, having trouble breathing, and just stopped breathing. I called 999 straight away and started CPR. I kind of knew he died instantly. He was normally a fit and healthy 46 yr old, he would run, ride his bike for miles and walk the dog daily. He had had an acute cardiac arrest, brought on by ARDS. We were married for just over 23 years, and planning for our 25th. We met 30 years ago. We have had a problems, but we were happy. We have 2 lovely daughters - who miss their dad sooooo much. Sometimes I and our dog wait at the time he would be home from work, expecting him to come through the door, only realising it will never happen again.
Rich the pain of missing you is unbearable. I'm only 46 and wonder how long it will be before we are together again. I wish you would come and see me, even if its only in my dreams.
As I said at your Celebration of life service, I loved you yesterday, today,tomorrow and always will. Till we meet again ~
God bless you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

My husband died Sept.17,2011 after being sick for several months. We had been married 46 years, and I don't know how to go on with my life, I need someone to help me. I depended on him so much and I don't know what to do.I never thought about life without him, I'm just lost and lonely. Everyone was calling and coming by for awhile, but that has stopped and I don't feel that my friends that are married won't to be bothered with me now since I am widowed. I want my to be with my husband again.

Anonymous said...

I feel the same my husband Died while on a business trip. He was on his way home to me after being gone almost two weeks. I am Forty and have been with my husband since I was 17. I don't know any other life. I am lost. We had two sons One is now a Marine fighting for our Country in Afghanstan the other is 16 and home with me. The found my husband on highway 20 in Texas on the side of the road hands on the wheel. He was coming home to me it was exactly one month from our 24th Anniversary. I miss him so, He was my Life. I don't know how or why I am here without him. He passed 1/14/2012. I don't have any idea how to be single. I also tell people right off my husband died. It's hard not to say. I don't like being single I still need to be a couple with my matching puzzle piece.

Anonymous said...

It's been one month since I lost my husband and best friend so suddenly. I woke up to find him laying on the floor, I performed CPR and it wasn't enough. This week is our 21st anniversary. I don't sleep, don't leave the house, cry all night and half the day away. Found a bottle of his cologne and just cried at the familiar scent that I missed so much. We did everything together so how can I continue. There's so much I want to tell him, things happen and my first thought is to share it with him. I feel like I'm going crazy at times. Just want him to give me a sign, let me feel his presence. I have read so many posts and I'm do sorry for all the pain we feel but thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone and that the things I cry for are the same for all of us. I miss you Carl

Anonymous said...

January 17, 2012 my life changed exactly like yours did. I really wish it was a dream. I cry all night and all day, My dog just cries also and I have to drag myself out of bed to walk him. I've never thought I'd be so lost in life, we made plans to grew old together. Please know that you are not alone. Sometimes I feel this pressure in my chest but I know it's just where my heart used to be. God bless you.

Anonymous said...

My husband died March 10th 2011. We were best friends and did everything together for 30 years. I only pushed past the devastating depression for our two wonderful daughters. It is a daily struggle to keep moving, take out the garbage, wash the dishes, go grocery shopping. The days are getting better, but the evenings are getting worse. The cold winter months seem to make everything even sadder. People say I am doing "so well." I must be a great actress as I know I am not doing well. The facade I must put forth makes this entire grieving process even more difficult. When will I ever feel okay? Will I ever find joy again? I am so grateful for my life with Pat but why did he have to leave so soon? We had so many hopes and dreams. It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were a team and now I am a lone player. I feel empty.

Anonymous said...

My husband died on 4 January 2012. He was 52 and I am 47. We didn't have a marraige made in heaven but we both loved each other so much. I sit here thinking, this time last year he was alive, this time 7 weeks ago he was alive. I keep flicking back in the calendar to 2011 and think of what we were doing on this date/time. I miss you so much sweetheart. Lots of love your Admirer. MISS YOU LOADS, RIP DARLING, SWEET DREAMS

Anonymous said...

I was having a good day. Work went great, the drive home was good. Normally, I talked to my husband on the way home since it is a 45 minute drive. He didn't answer. Called the daughter to see if she had talked to him. She said no and since she was close, did I want her to go check on him. I said no. For some reason, that felt wrong. When I got home, he was on the floor of the garage. I called her to come help me and I performed CPR. It took the EMT's 25 minutes to get there. The whole time...I knew he was already gone, but I couldn't give up. They told me there was no electrical activity in his heart but told me it was my call whether they should use the defib. The hardest answer of my life was No. He had a beautiful smile on his face. Because he was alone, we had to wait for the sheriff, then the coroner and then the funeral home. The second hardest thing I had to do was call my son to let him know that his father was gone. I stayed calm, answered questions, cried all over him, answered more questions and cried some more. Then the tears stopped. I was able to trim his beard and hair. I had done it for 34 years and didn't want a stranger to do the last cut. I spoke at his funeral . Thought I was going to go back to work the next week. Then Monday came.

Anonymous said...

My husband died New Year's Eve, 2010. Never had any problems until two days before when he had some atrial fib and then had an angiogram and was given clean bill of health. He is dead now and I am totally alone and even after a year and 55 days, I still don't want to be here without him, I still don't see any meaning to my life anymore and robotically go through each day. I try to fit in with my inlaws, and yet how can I when I am missing half of me and all the parts of me that were parts of him. I am not the same person I was anymore. I was strong before I met him, and then I let him into my world and into my heart and he became my whole world. I love him so and always will and there is not a day that has gone by where I am happy that I have woken up in the morning. I do not see an end. I have not come onto this site in a while. I have a lot of catching up to do. God bless you all.

Anonymous said...

What a blessing it has been to read all of your stories. I truly share your grief and at the same time I feel fortunate to read the stories of others who have travelled the path I now face. I find myself wondering if you all have found peace, and desperately hoping that you have. I lost my beloved Jim on January 31, 2012. Just 3 and a half weeks ago, after being together for 6 1/2 years. We didn't meet til our early 40's and always wished we had met 20 years earlier. Apparently the Universe had other plans for us. Now I am left behind with his dogs and a Mother with dementia. Life truly sucks and I don't see it getting better anytime soon. Sometimes I find myself so angry at him for leaving me with all of his "stuff" and everything else but I suppose it's all just another part of the grieving process. As someone else mentioned, life will never be the same again. And I for one am not overjoyed at the prospect of living it as such. These days, all that keeps me going is that once I'm through this last mountain of shit that Life has dealt me, I may finally be able to check out and be at peace at last. May the Universe return me to his side when that day comes.

Anonymous said...

My husband passed away on December 11.2011. He had been diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer 13 months earlier. We would talk all night, laugh, cry, and start all over the next day. We both knew that he was going to die. He did not want to. We were married 33 years now. The last few weeks he started "schooling" me. Telling me how to do this and that. He was really the best man I have ever known. I miss him so much too. I can share in your grief, heartache, loneliness. I try to put on a brave face for my children, family, and friends just so they will leave me be. I hope that it will get better, but I never want to stop missing him.

Anonymous said...

My husband died December 8 2011 a metastatic cancer:lungs,liver,adrenal glands, brain,and bone.It realyy shock me because I did not really think that he gonna die so soon he was diagnose on October 23 2011 and he died on December 8 so sudden I never thought that he will died eight away I have a lot of things to talk to him but he was gone before I can say somethings its really hard.

Anonymous said...

It's been 16 months now, even though I lost him so fast, without much warning he was gone. My feelings are raw today after the news of another school shooting. We send our children and grandchildren to school thinking they are safe. The parents who lost their children today there are no words to console. I can't imagine what they are going through. To the parents of the person who committed this horrific act I can't imagine what they are going through. I feel so selfish as I had my love for 44 years. My thoughts and prayers are with them and their families and fellow classmates and friends. We all lost something today.

Anonymous said...

January 28, 2011 just 17 years old, I was just 15. He wasn't my husband but I knew he was going to be one day. I was always alone when I was younger and he was the only one who came by. All the boys always stared at me; commentin gon my body and trying to get near me because thought Iwas pretty. He was the only one who understood my troubles, dreams and life. As I did his too. I always saw him as my bestfriend growing up. One night a drunk old man tried to get me to bed with him, when I refused and ran away he hunted me down and beat me up badly. All my beauty was gone, and I was happy no more people would try to be fake around me anymore. Turns out I never truely had friends. Only he was there to attend my wounds and kept me company from day to night. I never knew I could trust someone and love someone so much.my parents were never around and I felt alone all the time. What I didn't see was that he was always there when I needed him and I was always there for him. Ironically a drunk man opened my eyes wider, and a drunk man also killed him in a car accident, as he was driving over to me. I might be young but I know what my feelings are. When I look at people now I feel nothing. No one will ever be dear to me again. Somethings late at night when I feel like the grief would swollow me whole I go sleep in the cemetery, right beside him again. People said that it wasn't love and they said I would be over it soon. It's been a year and the pain hasn't lessen up one bit, I still cry myself to sleep everynight.

Anonymous said...

My wonderful husband passed suddenly 2 weeks ago today, he was at work. I spoke to him during the evening and he asked me to call him before I went to bed. I tried to call him, many many times, in the end I was so worried I drove to his work. The door had a code that I didn't know, I found a guard in a nearby building and he called the police. They broke the door down but it was to late, he was gone. He was only 47. The coroner told me he had a massive heart attack and didn't suffer at all. My wonderful husband, my best friend, my soul mate, my reason for living has gone. Tomorrow is our 11th wedding anniversary, the first time I won't get a beautiful card to my wife. He worked shifts so my mind is always telling me hes at work, he will be home soon. I still can't believe hes gone, that hes not here anymore, I wait for him to walk through the door or to text me. Its so wrong, I want him back so badly, I cry all the time, I have photos of him everywhere which makes me feel better. I watch him on video and look at him in photos, I can hear his voice in the videos which is wonderful as I will never forget his voice, but sad as I will never hear him saying 'I love you honey' again. I know he is here with me, I ask all the time for a sign, but I know he is here and will be until I join him. I have not been on my own yet, I have wonderful family around all the time. I dread being on my own but I know I have to be soon. At the moment he is still in the funeral home, I visit him every day, and that does help. But next week when I lay him to rest will be the worst day. I love you so much sweetheart, I will love you forever. You are my soul mate, and I know we will be together again.

Anonymous said...

My husband died of a massive heart attach on November 3rd. It feels like he'll walk through the door, and when I correct myself, the pain is so deep. My broken heart rattles so much, most days it's hard to carry the broken organ in normal situations. I feel like I shot through a worm hole into a strange world. Stranger still is how I did not know about this world even though countless widowns have passed by me. Widows say it will get better. How could that be, I question.

Anonymous said...

My husband died on February 6, 2012 after a 15 month battle with brain cancer. He was 48. I am 46 and so lost without him. I am so sick of people asking me for his things either to have or if I would want to sell them. I even had some people asking me for things 2 days before he died, one day before the funeral and even at the funeral itself, if I wanted to sell his truck! Just yesterday someone asked me for something. I am not ready to give up my husbands things at this time. I haven't even been able to clean out his closet as yet. It's only been a month. I am deeply greving and am so angry at these selfish people! What do I say to these people without being rude? I just want my time to greive right now. I am so sad about everything. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

My husband was dx with brain cancer 12/08 he was 40 years old... He died 10/13/2010. It has not gotten better, we have 4 children, but only 1 still living at home. We are not living anymore, it is so devastating to see my 14 year old curled up on the floor crying, hurting, NEEDING his father.... We are both in therapy, but they just want to push anti-depressants, will they work?? I am so afraid to try them, what if it makes it worse for my son?
Does it get better? Please someone tell me when, because I am not seeing a light at the end of this tunnel.

Anonymous said...

It's been almost three months since my husband died. He was 52, and as far as we knew, in good health. On December 12, 2011, he went to work and never came home. He went into a fatal cardiac rhythm, and he was alone at the time. Each day that passes gets harder. Our three children are still young enough to believe in Santa, and I am struggling to find a way forward for them and for myself. I hate that they will grow up without their wonderful daddy, and that I will grow old without the love of my life. I want to wish the rest of my life away - please God, just let me wake up tomorrow with the children grown, healthy and happy. And then let me go be with my love. We were five. Now we are four. I hate even numbers.

Anonymous said...

It will be a year Monday March 12th. since my husband died suddenly. I feel lost!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rejoicing through the tears! said...

My prayers and thoughts are with all of you that are going through the death of a husband or wife. Does it get easier is what I ask my self on the bad days or when that wave of emptiness washes over me? It's harder at times like this because when you love so deeply the pain hurts deeply. Sometimes it's so intense, I feel like screaming but the tears come and I feel a cleansing that only God can give. I have been broken and only God can fix me as I surrender to His love and will. I know only He is keeping me through this trial but in my flesh, I wish that I did not have to bear such intense pain. This was not supposed to happen is what I keep telling myself and God. Yes, I believe God is real and that He has not forsaken me. I am thankful to God that my children are grown but the pain is the same because they miss their father but won't admit it because they want me to not be sad. This cup is bitter and I would not wish this on my worst enemy! When I talk to God, I tell Him that I'm not happy with His plan and that He could have given us 10, 20 or more years and I would have been able accept my husband's death. I also tell Him that I did not sign up for this but I know that I did when I vowed 'til death do us part' but He didn't have to allow it so soon!Rejoicing through the tears!

Anonymous said...

My husband died Feb.6,2011 suddenly. We were married 43 yrs.,but friends since 1st. grade. I guess thats our whole life time.Life is not life any more for me. At 67 yrs old, it has become an endless black hole of nothingness. I have experienced all the emotions that everyone here has. I have no desire to go on, I am numb, nothing matters. I have not cleaned my house in a year, my son and grandchildren (ages 14, & 15) live with me. My son doesnt understand why I have let everything just go to hell. Well I am glad that all of you get it.He doesnt see that I am left alone to raise my 2 grandchildren by myself, to now take care of my home by myself, to do eeverything by myself. He doesnt get that I am empty and just don't have the physical strength to take care of everything. Well I guess he never will get it, until its his turn.Which I hope his turn never comes around. I wish all of you peace, and if you find it please let me know how you did it or where you found it. Thanks for letting me express my grief.By the way this club sure does suck. Joan...Md.

Rejoicing through the tears! said...

It's been awhile since my last post but Anonymous I can relate when you state that you feel lost. Yes, widowhood makes me feel lost also..lost and lonely! I feel that way even in a crowded room. It's painful to have loved so deeply and to have lost. It's like part of us is missing because it is actually just that way. The hardest part about it is that we can't change the situation. God bless you...Rejoicing through the tears.

Anonymous said...

I'm Terry, my Wayne left me 2-17-10. He had been ill off and on most of our life, we were married 35 + 2 years. It has been the longest 2 years of my life. I go to talk therapy once a week and group hospice once a week. One thing the financial thing, I'm sinking faster and faster, he had been on disability since 1990. I went back to work after he got injuried been working ever since. I took off a month while he was in the hospital, then about three days after. I feel so alone, empty, and without purpose. I want to go see him, I have had days of cutting, my therapist said I need to get rid of the knives, she wouldn't take them so their still in the drawer. I have a son and daughter 30 & 32. I hate to always be a bother, and have to ask for money, I get paid once a month, by the time I pay my bills I'm broke. I have been able to get organization to cover my prescriptions 300 a month deductable. Well I have to get back to work now.

Anonymous said...

It has been 6 months since my beloved Dave left me. We met when we were 18 and were married for 24 years. We have two beautiful children who loved their father so much. Dave was diagnosed with breast cancer when he was 35 years old and fought the good fight for 12 years before this horrible disease finally beat him. He never gave up, he wanted to live so badly. He had so many things to live for. He loved to watch his son play hockey and was so proud of his daughter who had her own passion skating on a synchronized skating team. For 12 years I worried that we would lose him. It was very stressful at times but he handled it so well. He was my strength, my love, my life. Sometimes I think i am functioning okay but that is all it is. I do this for my daughter and son who lost so much and I know that Dave would want me to be strong for them. I wonder where he is and if hes okay and if he can see us or hear us. I also feel like my life is over at least the young, joyous years that we had together. I never feel joy about anything anymore. No one understands that my other half is missing. I am half a person now. I try to take one day at a time because if i think about the future it is empty without him.

Anonymous said...

My dearest husband passed away in November 2011. This is the 4th month I am in deep grieve. He was my love, my life and my everything. This event is the most painful experience in my life. The pain is unbearable. It is like being in worst car accident....my heart, body & bones are broken into pieces but I am still alive and conscious to witness the event. The most torture. This is hell.

Anonymous said...

My husband passed away in April of 2011, not a day goes by that I don't miss him. After 33 years together I don't know how to be just me...

Miss you sweetheart...

Anonymous said...

I have been reading comments from a lot of women who have had their husbands pass. My husband died last April and of course I still miss him and always will. My whole life changed and I had to start over. He was 64 and died of a heart attack in the hospital after surgery. It was such a shock.
But the sun comes up everyday and there is good in life still. I can't ever see me being with anyone else because he was my soulmate. But I know he would want me to go on and enjoy life again.
Life is good and whoever is left behind must find a new way to live it, but live it the best you can.

Anonymous said...

I came to this blog to look for something to say to encourage my mother-in-law, who lost her husband suddenly a year ago today. But instead I found all of you...greatly in need of encouragement. They were married almost 60 years and it has been so hard for her to keep going. She's stayed busy because her children and grandchildren have made that happen. Almost everything I've read on here has applied to her, except wanting to end her life. She has begun to exercise and try to take care of herself. She's a young 76. Her father is 95, so she probably has a long life still ahead.

Here's what I've learned...
-Take one day at a time, literally, say "I just need to get through today, that's all."
-Every day do something for someone else that's not necessary. Open a door, buy someone a cup of coffee, smile at a stranger, give something of yourself...every day.
-Pray for the people that say the wrong things, believe me, we really don't know what to say. If you don't believe in God then wish something good for them. It's so healing to feel love in your heart for someone.
-Don't shortchange yourself!!! If you're breathing you still have something to give this world!
-Show the world how your husband would really want you to live! Live for both of you! Look at every sunrise, not wishing he was there (of course you do!) but knowing he's with you and sharing it with him!
-There is no timeline for grief, probably our whole lives. But we can choose what we do with every day...between the tears. Make it count! Your husband would be proud!
-Try somehow to let go of the anger, toward him, toward God, toward selfish people asking for things, just let it go. Make a conscious decision to let it go...not give anger any more power over you.
-Sing! Sing! Sing!

I'm praying for all of you toady, asking God to fill your heart with hope and your day with peace. He gives us a new beginning every single morning. Live life to the fullest!

Deborah

ps. I, too, have a story. Always, I want to share it, but maybe later...

Anonymous said...

My husband of 35 years died of pancreatic cancer October 2011. We celebrated our 35th anniversary early in September and one month later we buried him. April will mark 6 months. I have learned to embrace the pain knowing that it is caused not only by the loss, but also by the deep love I had for him and how real that love was and is. My faith in God has sustained me through every day since and it is amazing how God has taken care of me emotionally, mentally and physically. The Bible, books on grief and devotional books have provided much needed encouragement and direction. It never ceases to amaze me how certain devotions fit the circumstance I am going through on a particular day. While the pain is palpable, the loss seems unbearable and at times I feel as if I am in a time warp, I know as I take time to be still before God, He will direct me in every area of my life. I do not know how I could survive a loss this devastating without my faith in God. It sustains me.

Anonymous said...

The 25th of this month..(March) makes 6 months that my husband left to be with God! I miss more than life it's self. We have two very beautiful little girls. Im so lost without him. He was my jr. high school sweet heart. We married 7/18/97. I feel like I had so little time with him. I think about him all the time, 6 months & Im still crying like a little baby! How do I go on with out him? He was my life, my BEST friend, MY EVERYTHING!

Anonymous said...

I encourage everyone to write and write to there loved ones every night. I believe that they can read what you are writing, and what you are feeling, sometimes you will experience dreams from your loved ones even if you dont see them... messages come in different forms you should lay there in the morning and just think about your dream... does it mean anything to you does it have anything to do with you or your circumstances or what you wrote in the letter that you wrote the night before, yes your loved ones try so hard to let you know that they are ok... and no we dont blow out like a candle we are energy we are made of the breath of GOD we go on and you will see them again they are watching and waiting, if it is a husband... maybe they want you to move on and find someone to make you happy, in this life... because this is a journey that you have to complete if it is a child they want to see that beautiful smile on your face, again... so strange me saying this because I lost my child last year and I do get dreams, your loved ones are just as real as if they were here today, you just cant see them, think of this... In my Fathers house there are many mansions... well I believe there is many places to live in Heaven and no one has ever seen what GOD has in store for us but yes there is a place to go when we pass on and our loved ones are there... Jesus hated death... so much it grieved his spirit so... I think that he would give our loved ones the ability to reach out to us to help us to understand that they are OK after this life is over and we move on to Heaven GOD does not want us to hurt... I am writing this with a broken spirit so maybe I am learning something while writing this... I hope this helps...

Anonymous said...

Hi again, My husband Garry died of Squamous cell cancer of the neck after only forty-one days on Nov 9, 2011. I was very angry. But, I am learning to relax. I joined a widow support group. I am the youngest person there by twenty years (I am 52). It is nice to hear about other widow's love for their spouses. Garry was cremated and his wishes were to be scatted,but I could not do that,I needed to know Garry is safe. My son is in the army, so this summer when he is on leave I am having a memorial service for Garry and a thank-you service for everyone who has helped me begin my life without Garry.

Anonymous said...

I lost my fiance suddenly in November 2011 to a roofing accident. He was 31 and I'm 30. We were together for 2.5 years and he was my first love. I'd finally found my perfect sweetheart just when I'd started to think there was no one out there for me. I feel so cheated that we got so little time together. I loved him more than life itself it was him and me and the world. I can't imagine finding anyone else that comes close to how wonderful he was. Yet this loneliness and anguish is unbearable, like being stabbed everyday. I pray someday I'll be happy again though it's so hard to imagine

Anonymous said...

I would like to thank Deborah for her encouraging words. Particularly if we have breathe in our bodies we still have something to offer. I miss my husband so much and that will never change however there are so many people who are worse off than me, look outward instead of inward it's a much healthier perspective. Pamela

Anonymous said...

My precious husband of 12 years died on January 26, 2012. I'm lost... I don't know who to be without him. I just don't understand how you just "go on" when life is so empty. I wake because it's morning, I eat if someone reminds me, I sleep with the help of a pill because it's nighttime.

How does one live when a heart is broken beyond repair?

Anonymous said...

I have been married for 40 years. 3 years ago I found out that my husband was a philanderer. He had been seeing other women for sex when I was ill. That is over a lot of years. I hate him. I wish he had died. I have to grieve for what I have lost. I nearly died 7 years ago and I wish I had. Then I would have died thinking he was faithful to me.

Anonymous said...

My daughters husband died suddenly on December 8, 2011. It's awful to watch your daughter and her children suffer so horribly. There isn't much I can do to make it any better. God, hurry back and take us all to heaven so we don't have to suffer any more.

Anonymous said...

it will be three years this November since my husband died he had been out in the car in the early morning to bye some thing for indigestion
while i slept,that afternoon i heard a bang and found him on the floor ,i sent for a doctor ,she says i will give you some thin better than what you had bought she gave him indigestion tablets he took one and a cup of milk and went to bed i went up to tell him to have something to eat before taking anymore another tablet and found him dead this doctor was just three month out of university ,i feel she robed me of him and i cant get over it

Anonymous said...

Thank you everyone. My husband died a week ago and I'm still hoping to wake up and find it was just a dream. Reading all your comments have helped a bit.

sarah said...

My husband died Nov 2009 i was 17 when i started going out with him I'm 70 this year how do i go on without him its hard to stop thinking if the doctor had listened to me she would have sent him to hospital,He had been out in the car looking for something for indigestion while i was sleeping he bought Galveston from a garage then later that day i sent for a doctor well they sent one that was three month out of university she suggested some tests in a weeks time she gave him some indigestion tablets he took one went to bed with a cup of milk, I went to tell him he needed something to eat before taking another tablet he was just looking at me so i asked him why are you looking at me like that i couldn't take it in he was dead he hadn't taken a drink he must have died as soon as he lay down ,The doctor new i wanted her to send him to hospital ,She says it didn't mean he would still be alive if she had sent him ,I told her she hadn't gave him a chance ,Why send a doctor that was still learning to some one that had never sent for one before they should have new i wasn't a time waster so because they sent some one that was just left university,So i have to spend the last of my time without him until it happens to you you have no idea what its like, So be patient if you meet some one that's going through the lose of some one they love it might help them just give them a couddle it is a comfort and some thing we all must miss,I know i do

sarah said...

I think i forgot to say he had a hart attack the doctor didn't even take his blood pressure
and they had to do a postmortem to find what had killed well i call it negligence by the one that sent some one that didn't know her job

Anonymous said...

My husband passed away March 21, 2011 and after 1 year, I feel I miss him more than ever. Time has not helped ease the pain and grief. I can't seem to move on with my life, I have no interest in anything. I feel like I am just waiting for the time to come when I can join him. I do try to look forward to tomorrow, hoping I will feel different, but tomorrow becomes today and it is all the same. I am trying to be more positive and hopefully can find something to look forward to soon. Rest in peace, Tom, I love you..................WFL

Anonymous said...

My Husband died 2 months and 5 days ago. He was 37 years old. Every day I am in disbelief, hurt, angry - I don't even know how to feel anymore. I want to be dead so that I can be with him but then I feel guilty for wanting to be dead because I know I have to go on for our 2 year old son. I hate that his precious life was taken from him by his brother in a car accident out of stupidity. Why couldn't he have dropped my baby off at home and then died on the way to his house? I hate him for taking away the only thing that made me happy, besides my son, and angry at God that he would allow such a thing to happen. People keep asking me "how are you doing?" How the hell do you think I am doing??? I hate that people think they are saying things they THINK are comforting, like "it'll get better" "life goes on " "time will heal" etc. No shit Sherlock, i know life will go on because it has been and of course it has to because we can not stop time but that's not the thing i want to be hearing right now! These people have NO idea what I am going through and to make stupid comments like that just push me away. I don't want to be "surrounded" with people or loved ones, i want to be alone. People think they know what you need to hear or what you need to do, but they don't! Some of you mentioned about being/feeling alone (of course I FEEL ALONE because he's gone, never coming back, emptiness no one can fill)but literally alone, this is the time where you know who are your real friends are or family that supposedly care about you. Every time I look at my son, i cry because he's not gunna know his daddy, he will have vague memories of him, if any, and nothing but pictures, video's and stories about him. This is not fair, we had our whole lives ahead of us and we were suppose to grow old together and watch our son grow up, get married, have kids...We were together 10 years but married almost 6 years. It's hard to come to terms with this, I am waiting for him to come through that door, come home and give me a hug and kiss, take a shower, watch him sleep in our bed. All I can ask and wonder is WHY??!! I play that night over and over in my head, what if I had done this or what if I had done that?? I drive myself crazy all day long everyday, I want to pull my hair out! I want to wake up from this nightmare but wake up and realize its real, this is really happening! I want to see him in my dreams, I want to say goodbye - I want his spirit to come to me and comfort me, if that's possible. Now all i have left is a garage full of his stuff, his clothes, shoes... Now I have to do his chores around the house (not that its a problem for me) but I never realized how much he did and such hard work he put into maintaining our home, our pets, etc. He use to ask me what I would do without him and at the time it didn't matter because he was there and we were suppose to always be together but now that question pops into my head all the time and i realize, nothing...i wouldn't be able to do anything without him. He was my motivation, my life, my love, my world...I am nothing now, dead inside just pretending it's "ok" to get people to shut up. I love my son very much and I pray for him every day but i cant imagine 16 years flying by and not being able to play sports with his dad, flying a damn kite, fishing, riding his first bike...or me dying as an old lady...When i drive by myself I wish that i would die somehow but again i go back to the guilt because i want to be here for my son. He needs me and i need him - he keeps me going...he puts the smile i face i need right now that no one else can give me, he cuddles with me and that's as close i'll get to feeling like it'll be okay, but it wont be, ever...I miss u baby, I will always love you - you didn't deserve this! :'{

Anonymous said...

My husband died unexpectedly on Valentine's day, at the age of 42. I am a widow at 41 with a child who is only 8. I have more bad days than good right now. It has still not set in that he is not coming back. I get tired of telling people I am fine or OK. I too blurt out that my husband is dead...I am not exactly sure why I do it. I just do. We were together for 17 years, married for 12. Not sure how to find my new normal...Family of two, really?

Anonymous said...

When your mother or father dies you feel like you will never got over the lose,You feel like your hart it has broken and the tears come easy,You cry when other family members cry,
When its your husband its a different thing nothing prepares you for that,You think of him in every thing you do,You wake up you have tossed and turned all night i would have blamed him for the mess of the bed,you cook a meal he would have liked this,you wash the dishes you know he would have done them,You go shopping See some thing he liked i'm not getting that Johns not hear, No you never stop thinking of him ,Its two year five month since he died and he is in my head day and night i cant sleep, Nobody could have snored like him i could sleep through that, Its just to quiet i talk to my self i know he cant hear me, I cant remember when i last told him that i loved him but when you have been together for fifty years you forget to, Well i must have i just didn't know how much

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how u feel.it all sucks so bad everyday. My husband died suddenly on Christmas day. CHRISTMAS DAY. We were actually getting ready to go to hospital in cause I was nine months pregnant in labor. Gave him cpr for about an hour cause ambulance got lost....while in labor wanted to die when he did.

Anonymous said...

my husband died by heart attack on my birthday a year ago. It was the worst day ever in my life...

JohnsDarlin said...

My husband died of a sudden heart attack on July 22, 2008. Come to find out he had some heart condition and two recent heart attacks. Why didn't he know? He left me and 4 children behind. I haven't forgiven him yet, though I've moved on and have now re-married to another wonderful man... that was almost 4 years ago.

Amy said...

My Fiance died on August 24th 2011. Our wedding was scheduled for September 10th 2011. He had pulmonary Hypertension and the dr's said he was doing better and he was strong enough for a double lung transplant. He had medicare due to his disease and they would not do the surgery because they said it didn't cover it. We tried to get him medicaid and they told him he made 70 dollars a month too much to qualify. I tried every day to call differant insurance companies trying to get him a supliment insurance but because he was only 31 years old he did not qualify. He told me that he felt like he was fighting to live and that they were fighting for him to die. He said watch I will get the insurance straight and die the next day. I finally called the Jewish Hospital transplant center in Louisville KY where they refused to do the surgery to save his life and explained everything that we had tried and I told them that I wasn't for sure what else to do but they couldn't let him die. They gave me the number to a insurance lady here in louisville who had found a loop hole in the medicare system that would qualify him for the supliment insurance. We called her and schedule an appointment for the following day. She got everything set and there was a 30 day waiting period, that was on monday August 21. On Wednesday August 24th when I got home from work he was gone. It was too late, I couldn't help him. That was the day that my life changed forever. I am not sure that I will ever get over it. I try really hard because I have an 14 year old son who is everything to me. If it wasn't for him I don't know where I would be. People keep telling me that it gets easier with time but it hasn't. And if one more person tells me that everything happens for a reason I am going to punch them in the face. I am so sick of hearing that. I to find myself questioning God as to why he had to take him from me. I was in a very verbaly abusive relationship with my sons father for 13 years and he is now happy in his life. Why would he let someone like him be happy and not me. What did I do to deserve this pain and torture. How could he be so cruel. I didn't sleep for weeks and still have trouble, the dr put me on Ambien to help me sleep because I was loosing my mind even more. It helps me sleep for a couple of hours a night but I wake up in panic attacks and feel like I am having a heart attack. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like life has no meaning or purpose for me anymore. It is horrible to feel this empty inside.

Anonymous said...

I know, i feel like somehow God is punishing me by taking the one thing that i loved and care about most in my life that ever made me HAPPY! I mean this LITERALLY, even compared to myself - it was bad growing up and my husband was my normal, made things the way they should be in my life, gave me stability and unconditional love and do so much more and beyond I could have ever hoped for or imagined. Now he's been taken away from me 2 months ago in a horrific car accident that was caused by his brother, his OLDER, brother mind you...he was stupid and irresponsible and my husband paid with his life when it should have just been the brother driving. (just - as in they both died. I don't know what to do without his laugh, his smile, his warmth, his loudness, his happiness and his love...he was truly a beautiful person inside and out. I think about how he wont ever be in our pictures anymore, in our future, it'll just be my son and I. WHY!!!?? why was he taken away from me and my 2 yr old son - we need him still Lord....WHY??!!!

Anonymous said...

I know it sounds really horrible but I am jealous of you all.
You had time to get married, you had time with your husbands, you had time to make a life together, you had time to have children- at least you have that.
My partner died suddenly a month ago, we had our entire life together planned, we were blissfully happy, we were getting married at the start of next year.
But i don't get any of that.
Instead of getting married, i got listed as his 'special friend' in the obituary notice because his father would not recognise our relationship because we were not married.
Instead of making a happy home together, his family turned up to our house with a moving truck and took everything and kicked me out.
Instead of having children together, my 'stepchildren' (he had custody) were taken away from me and i am no longer allowed to see them.
Instead of dreams i now have debt.
Because of the way everything was set up and because we were not married i couldn't do anything about it.
I have had to move in with my retired parents because i have nowhere else to go, i have to find a job after years of not working because i was looking after the kids.
His family have completely ostracised me, going as far as to blame me for his death. I don't even know where his ashes are because they will not even speak to me.


He is the love of my life,my soul mate, yet i find myself waking up every day fighting to prove to prove our relationship even existed.
I don't even get to call myself a widow.
I don't get to say 'my husband died'
but that doesn't mean i loved him any less than anyone else here.

Anonymous said...

I posted a few weeks ago. Its been 4 months since i lost my partner of 30 years. I dont think i feel much better now than i did back then.. can it be normal to still think almost constantly about her every waking minute? people say it will get better - can anyone offer me any hope - does anyone else feel similar? Karen

Anonymous said...

I lost my husband December 22,2010, he had a heart attack 12/6/2010 and was in a coma for 2weeks, we were married 45 and half years and he was my only boyfriend I ever had our married life had its up and downs but I was still happy and stuck with him threw many hard times I miss him dearly and God has put someone in my path that makes me happy again unfortunatly my son is unhappy with it and I am not sure what to do anymore I felt my life was over but the person I met i knew when I was growing up years before i met my husband although he makes me very happy I am still confused and feel I I am betraying my husband

Anonymous said...

You know, I don't know how things are suppose to get better "with time" as people say (after losing my husband almost 3 months ago) when all you see around you is happiness, laughter, couples, etc. People carrying on with their lives, watching tv and laughing at shows or going to parties. People have the nerve to talk to me about their problems that would have probably seemed like a conversation i would have had before all this happened but not anymore. Now, i can't even watch anything on tv or any movies! If they aren't talking about death, killing, dying they're talking about sex, love and love affairs - movies with happy endings. Someone had the nerve to give me some movies that were about people finding each other and falling in love, again another happy ending movie. How dare you?? How could you?? Geeeez....everyone bothers me now, I hate hearing and seeing people laugh. I feel like i can't even leave my house no more, rather, don't want to. Some people come over and ask how i'm doing and start talking about those things in the world you just don't give a crap about hearing right now and they expect me to be feeling better by now and "laugh" with them - this one person even said in his story "dude, i felt like i was dying." Really??? Do you not realize my husband died??? if you are not coming to my house for "me" then why the hell are you coming over? People seem to not be able to watch what they say around me! Just, right now, I can't stand to see others carry on (including family) and laugh and act as if this was a story about "someone else"...the impact on them is obviously not as enormous as it is for me...and that freakin bothers me! ; {

Me again... said...

^^^^Dear Anonymous...right above this post...^^^ Ohhh, my dear, I wish I could give you a great big hug right now. My beloved Jim died 12 weeks ago, and our marital situation seems it was much the same as yours. Although we were together for seven years, we never married. Wow, big mistake. His manipulative mother, via his "henchman" brother swooped in before I even had time to grieve and took everything they deemed to be of value. I, too, doubt whether I'll ever receive any of his ashes, although I have a lovely urn waiting for him. Guess I'll just put his wallet, glasses, and watch in it.
You gotta do what you gotta do, right?? Remember him, and the two of you in the best light possible.
Yes, you and I have every right to call ourselves widows, and we have the right to proclaim that our Husbands died.
Don't you agree our men would have wanted at least that much for us?? I will pray for continuing strength for both of us. Keep moving forward, my sister. :) **tears**

Anonymous said...

Dear 'Me again'.. thank you... it is nice to know that someone understands my pain when i feel so empty and so alone, believe me- there is no one else in my life that even comes close to understanding.
PS - don't let them know you have the wallet, watch and glasses or they will want to take those from you too!! :)


To 'Anonymous' above me again ^^^
I know how you feel too!! I have a list of movies i can't watch and books i can't read, -some well meaning soul gave me the book 'the secret' DON'T READ IT!! - the general premise is that bad things happen in your life because you want them too, it makes you feel much much worse!!

I get sick of married friends going on and on about how long they have been together and how great it is and i get sick of single friends bemoaning the fact that they are alone- they have no idea how alone you can feel!

Family is no better, after a month my mother had the nerve to tell me that 'i should be over it by now' i have never ever felt so angry or betrayed- one day when my father dies i will say the same thing to her and then ask her how she likes it!!

I get sick of people giving hurtful useless advice.
I hate the supposed 'friends' hitting on me because i am now 'single' and i hate the people who nudge me and tell me that 'i need to get back on the horse quickly because i need to provide my parents with some gran-kids'.

I am constantly amazed at the horrible, inappropriate and hurtful things people do and say to me.
Sometimes i just want to scream at them, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?

It is coming up two months for me and i know even when it is three months (where you are now) i am not going to feel any better.
In saying that, - three months is not much time at all!! Don't be so hard on yourself!!
-When getting out of bed takes just about every ounce of effort you have, you don't have any effort to waste thinking about those people!!

Anonymous said...

I don't really even know what to say. My husband died 13 weeks ago tomorrow. We have been together for almost 11 years. He was 30 years old. We have four children...all under the age of 10. Our youngest son was only 4 months old when his daddy died. I have felt so alone since January. Just reading what everyone on here has written makes me feel a little less alone. But also angry..I've never had to deal with death until now...WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. I guess I should say, why did this happen. I just need some peace. My children just need some peace. I have so many decisions to make and he isn't here to help me. We had so many plans. Everyone says I'm strong...why, because I get up everyday and take care of my children. They are what I have left. They are him. But, I want him back...I need him back. I am waiting to wake up from this nightmare. But I know, this is't a dream, it's reality and it SUCKS!! I hear everyday: "it just takes time". OK..well the way I see it, time just takes me further away from the last time he kissed me, the last time he feed our baby, the last time he cooked for us, the last time we held hands....and now, it's just over. My husband and I will never be over. There is no moving on for me. I just want to breathe and my heart not to hurt. My children and I just now started to talk about the silly things we remember. I'm writing a journal to remind our boys about everything their Daddy loved. They are all so young...are they going to know how much their Dad loves them. I think so, I'm making it my mission for them to always be loyal to their Daddy's memory. We found love and happiness together! And now, my children and I have found pain and loss together.

MrsJrack said...

My beautiful husband John died on Feb 19,2012 at my parent's cabin in Big Bear. He had a heart attack in front of our young sons. I heard them screaming and I ran up to find him face down on the ground. I froze. I dialed 911 and could not remember the cabins address. My kids were screaming and the 911 could not hear me.
We had just had a wonderful weekend together and he had been saying he did not feel well, he kept eating tums.
I am in such darkness. It feels never ending. I am 40 years old and feel so lost

MrsJrack said...

My husband John passed away 2/19/12. I feel so lost. I cant believe I am a widow at the age of 40. Everything is overwhelming and I am consonantly drowning in sorrow. I have a hard time visualizing any happiness in my future.
I pray something will take away the darkness.

Genay said...

To 'Anonymous' above me ^^ (2x) -

I know, people just really don't think before they start to tell you about their significant other and their "issues" or etc. One girl I told her, "well at least you're still together..." to another i said, "you know, things could be so much worse" almost like shut up, that's such a ridiculous thing to be fighting over - c'mon!!!! I just lost my husband dude!

I really am amazed. But yes it's unhealthy to feed off of that and let it get to me - I just hate that people are not on the same page as me (not so much to understand what I am going thru of course but don't act like everything went back to normal just because it did for you), they don't know what i think about and the depths of my thoughts either and that's why i feel so truly alone.

That book you read, it probably is the same authors as the book i read (also recommended by a friend) called 'The Law of Attraction.' Pretty much says the same thing, what you do or think about whether pos or neg, you bring it upon yourself whether u want it to or not. I guess pretty much u make and can control the things that happen to you in your life, so if it was something bad then u brought it upon yourself. I couldn't believe what i was reading....that was NOT a book to read at this time or ever even...wtf?

It sucks we have to deal with people who "don't think" about our feelings or have no true connection to what has just happened to us or even what happened to our loved one, like your family you said - some of my family members too have told my sister about me "she's young, she'll marry again..." One of them even went as far as to say that they assumed i'd be in some kind of FUNK when i told her i wouldn't go to her daughters b-day party the month after the funeral. A FUNK???? Can you believe that??? WOW!!!! That's hurtful!

I think we need to start lashing out at people and telling them straight up to stop with their remarks. Who cares about trying to not hurt their feelings (as hey haven't cared), we should not be thinking about trying to be nice to people or keep saying in our mind that they mean well by their words...but it needs to stop. Its only been 2 months for u and 3 for me and if we don't stop them from saying shit now then who knows how much longer it'll continue.

Your last paragraph touched me, thank you for those words. I don't have many people telling me things like that, that i actually DO NEED to hear. so i appreciate it and i wish the same for you, for us both to not waste our time letting things like that get us worked up, its useless and drains the little energy we have left as you said..I'll pray for you my blog buddy. I don't think it's ever going to get less hard, denial's a bitch cuz i feel that i just kinda put it off to the side and wait for him to come home later in the day... :{ That's what I pray for every damn day!

Anonymous said...

I met my husband in high school. we were married 35 yrs. we were inseparable. We had a great life together and did so much......golfing, boating, dinner with friends, vacations. now he is gone and as caring as my friends and sons are, the only one that knew me well, that i shared everything with and went to for all my problems is not here to help me through the most difficult time of my life. I miss him very much. I miss his arms around me, his smile, his wit. i still go out and call friends, but do not impose on them as to how painful this is and how some days I feel like I am losing my mind. I can't believe he is gone......much too soon. he died Nov 2, 2012 at Johns Hopkins Hospital after open heart surgery. I just don't know how to live without him.

Anonymous said...

Your posts have made me smile,and cry. My heart beats a little faster with some of your comments. I feel your pain,my husband died suddenly last week. Today is the first day Im alone. I sit here in my pajamas alone. So many thoughts running around my head. The phone rang a moment ago,they asked for Bob,I asked whos calling,I didnt tell the caller he died last week. It all seems like a nightmare. The Funeral was Saturday the 28th of April. Sping is finally here,he loved the Spring,he adored the summer. If I sit very still I can almost hear him. I sound like a sick animal when I cry,its heartbreaking and I dont want to be alone at night. Silly right? Im not afraid of the dark,or afraid of being alone,its being without him,that shakes me. My Mother,my Father,my Sister,now my Husband,the man I love taken from me. At 25 we married,at 44 Im a Widow. The friends and family mean well,only my best friend really gets the level of grief,now what,how to pay bills and maintain this thing called life,how can I pay the bills,how can I stay in this huge home,alone with 2 dogs,how....

Anonymous said...

His adult children have started taking things that were my husbands. I dont want to be cruel but they chose to not keep in touch with their father,they chose to have a distant relationship,he wanted to see them more often but now he is gone and I will not tolerate them "shopping" my house,I get ill when they start talking about taking stuff and now will have to point blank tell them not to take anything,,,at least not today. I am happy to share his material memories but must it be today? One adult step-child gave out a RV title,she also handed coins and bonds. Where does it stop.. the drs said he would be fine,,and then he was gone,here I am without my touchstone. Our Golden Retrievers offer short moments of comfort,poor guys know something is wrong,my heart hurts,my head hurts,something deep inside me is hurting,my heart? my soul? ouch..many thanks to the orignial creater of this blog-comforting to know I can come here- look at comments from others who are in similar situations. To the poster who was just the "girlfriend",my heart goes out to you. Karma is a debt that always gets paid,I have faith in that,do you?I wondered if he may need a blanket,the things we think about....

Anonymous said...

I found this blog by looking for answers- endless searching..as we all do to some extent after our loss. I am on the opposite side of the coin though, and maybe on the the wrong blog- but I feel that need to share this..I am a 46 year old man (young at heart!)- and I lost my beautiful 42 year old wife to breast cancer on January 22nd, 2011. We were happily married for 22 years. Although we had no children, we had cats and a parrot (our children!), we were always side by side, always having fun and laughing versus arguing. I loved her very, very much- I took care of her from her first diagnosis in 2002, and was there for her last breath. I did everything I could do as humanly possible, but I could not stop the cancer from spreading. When she passed, I was devastated, left here on this earth to walk alone. I didn't want to leave the house. The phones stopped ringing, people went about their lives. Nothing much mattered anymore to me. I took a month away from work on borrowed leave, tried to build a daily routine. I didn't sleep in our bed anymore. I slept in the chair downstairs. Errands to the store were grueling. It took me an hour of crying in the parking lot at target before I could go into that store where we aways shopped..It has been almost a year and a half since she passed...Here's my current situation..after 4 months had gone by, I met a young lady (42 yrs old) and we have been together since...she loves me, and I love her back- but I will always love my first wife too..is that a bad thing? Should I not be moving on in her honor?

Anonymous said...

My beloved husband died April 25, 2012. We would have been married 32 years this month, the 17th. What you said about feeling like your husband was PART of you...THAT is exactly how I feel right now! I know time will help, but right now it seems like I should be dead, too, because it feels like my insides are completely hollow. I will never be the same again...and it seems like it is pointless even to TRY to go on without him. You are a role model for me! I know all humans have to face this kind of pain sometime in their lives...I have lost others that I loved, like my dear mother in 2004...but this is the worst pain I have ever felt! But reading your words have comforted me. Thank you. I hope you and your family continue to find the peace and happiness you deserve! :-)

Anonymous said...

Its been 4 months today for me and the pain is worst than when it 1st happened. Not sure how long I can go on like this. I thought as days go past things would be easier but that is not to be. I cry all the time. All i want to do is dream about my husband but he does not come in my dreams. Help I am drowning

Anonymous said...

It is now 21 months since my husband passed away. I am still crying - it feels if I am not the same person any more. I don't laugh anymore. I don't want to visit people any more. All the people that told you they will be there for you dissappear. People told me that I am abnormal, that they don't know how I can cry over my husband like this because he was not even family from me - he was nothing! We had children together how can people say he was nothing? Some are looking for a new husband for me! I am not at all interested. My heart is broken and just as some of the other comments I have a lot of questions? Why do people divorce daily and my husband who I loved to bits was taken away from me an my children? Our first grandchild was born 2 months after his death - he will not have the opportunity to know his granddad. We had a very busy life - we loved camping, going to the bush or the sea - I am not interested to do this alone! Weekends were always something to look forward to now it is just lonely days - no more braais, no more camping. All our friends are still married so who wants to take a single women with them camping? It is difficult, very difficult. Nothing helps for this pain.... not a plaster, not a pill, not a bible verse nothing. It is just time, time, time....

Anonymous said...

My husband died January 28th 2012 of liver failure. It was an unexpected turn of events. My husband was an alcoholic for many years but i never really acknowleged this. I had no idea that this could happen.We had a very difficult marriage. We joked about this to eachother ...we either love eachother sooo much or hate eachother. no middle ground. It never occurred to me that alcohol was the problem. WHY? The drama was just normal to me. We met when i was 17years old and have been together since. We have 2 beautiful children together 11 and 8. We were meant to be together forever for better or worse. I took it for granted. I have so much guilt that I didnt create a crisis sooner. Maybe things would have ended differently? Maybe i could have saved him. I miss him so much. I feel like i cant breathe. its draining to put on a happy face every day. I try to for my children. Their world has collapsed. So has mine. I cant get past the regret or guilt. I wish i could just tell him I loved him and always loved him. That he is my whole life. I feel lost and hopeless. I wish i could know if he forgives me. I love you tim.

Anonymous said...

To the anonymous above me 2x ^^ = My gosh I think the same thing...why are there people around the world getting divorced or you hear about domestic violence or people committing adultery, etc. Here I am wanting the love of my life to come home to me and my 2 1/2 year old son while they don't give a shit! He died 1/29/12, only 37 years old in a horrific car accident. Why him? Why not those people who didn't give a crap about their spouses? I just don't understand it...

To the anonymous right above me ^
I feel the same way, everything that happened that day to my husband, i go over and over in my mind of how many ways i could have prevented his accident from happening (which was his brothers fault) how i could have saved him and i ask him to forgive me for not saving him. I wish I had that chance to tell him I loved him one last time and let him know just how much I appreciated him and all that he did and how he was my world. He had been dead for 6 hours before I even knew he passed away...that was horrible! Here I was thinking he was out and coming home later that night...and then to get the call. The way the deputy told me, my heart skipped a beat and my stomach turned and I was in so much shock, I literally thought (and HOPED) she was playing a prank on me....it was the WORST day of my life and I too am in darkness and it's getting worse and worse everyday just knowing THIS IS IT, HE IS NEVER COMING HOME! GOD DAMN IT!

Me Again said...

Dear Anonymous, (Just above me) Wow, your experience mirrors mine in so many ways. My hubby finally presented at the ER (after many teary-eyed attempts on my part to get him there) with end-stage kidney and liver failure, due to his alcoholism. He died 3 days after your hubby, 1-31-12.
The attending ICU Doc even asked if I knew he'd been dx'd with Cirrhosis a couple years prior. Naturally, I did not. He kept that from me, which makes all of this soooo much more difficult to process. I took him to the ER on a Saturday, the docs said that without the ER intervention, he would have died that night at home, or at the very least the next day. I have to believe he knew he was dying for some time, but either refused to deal with the inevitable, or accepted it for what it was. In the end, he called his own shots, as he always did. His struggle with alcoholism doesn't mean I loved him any less. Now, like you, I am overcome with regret and guilt on top of the crushing grief. The parallels I see in our situations are perhaps a way for us to begin to heal. I thought I was the only one on earth in my situation. Then I read your post. I hope you will find some peace, knowing there's another gal out here going through almost exactly the same Hell, and for many of the same reasons. Please let us know how you are doing.

Anonymous said...

It makes me feel better to read about people, just like me, with the same pain and hurt. Its true your friends goes on with their lives and suddenly you are all alone. I am going throug a very difficult time now, it seems that there is something wrong with my son's second baby - to be born in August - something with the little ones heart. I wish my husband was here to discuss it with him. To all the people writing here about their hurt I wish I could give you all a hug. That is what I miss so much about my husband - the hugs and someone who helps you carry with your problems. To all of you good luck. To anonymous 4 May - I felt the same as you my husband was never sick - the first time he got a headache we were told that he had brain cancer and that he had 3 months to live - my whole world fell apart! The last 3 months he was so sick, he could not walk, he had to wear nappys and that broke my heart. The dr took him to the hospice and I am also left with the guild that he died in the hospice. He was so full of life, always laughing and the last 3 months he was so quite. I miss him so much... So please don't feel that you are abnormal I think this will take a long time to heal. Your husband knows that you loved him and that you will always love him.

Anonymous said...

Well it looks like I'm in good company. My husband passed away a little more than a month ago. I try to cope, but I cry a lot. But somehow along the way, the crying doesn't help...it hurts more. I'm so physically exhausted, it just seems like I can't possibly have one more tear. And then, there it is along with many, many more.

How can this be? Cancer...that evil monster, cancer. He sneaked up on us and there was no chance...you would think with all the medical advancements these days, that there would have been a chance. Even the doctors thought he had a 50% chance of beating it back.

Radiation was horrendous. Chemo was worse. And it didn't help.

Oh Lord, I miss him so.

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